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Oh I have sooooo BTDT with DD1.
In the end I *did* get it cut. I took her to a really good hairdresser (mine) and had her give her a nice, manageable style cut. It looked really good. Also discussed with the hairdresser the "deal" - namely - if she cares for it, she can grow it longer. Hairdresser (not me, I'm standing calmly on the sidelines) explains what is needed, how to put it up, how often to wash, how to comb. Suddenly - now it's no longer a power struggle with mummy dearest - DD1 starts to care for hair. Each time we go back to the hairdresser, decision is reviewed. DD1 now knows - do it right or it'll be chopchop time again. End of issue.
I would definately do it. It sounds like she needs for it to be shorter just for hygeinic reasons if not so she doesn't wreak it even more. Maybe when she's older she can have it longer but if she won't let you help her with it, make it managable for her now. I just cut my DD's hair shorter to her shoulders, while she's only 3, it is so much more managable for me to comb and wash and put up for her.
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Ah well change the threats now - totally sell it to her. I bet it will look just amazing!
Personally I love MaryDeans post. I did a similar thing to my sister Keisha (who is 6) when I had her for a whole school holidays. If she couldnt manage super long hair we got it cut to a point where she could cz she refused (read screamed the house down if I touched it) to let me help her. Worked out much better for everyone
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