tips please on coming to terms with knowing you will never have a vaginal birth

Hi everyone,

With 3 caesareans under my belt and no chance of ever having a vaginal birth I am still trying to come to terms with it. I have had enough of feeling crap about myself over it and really need some help from those of you lovely ladies that can relate.

I was hoping that those of you in the same position, but who feel have made peace with knowing you will never have a vaginal birth, could please share with me what was the turning point for you??

How did you get to that point, what really helped?
Any tips,advice, whatever you could offer me would be greatly appreciated. :pray:

I have tried talking to a therapist but it has not really worked and DP has had enough, he would like me to just get over it but that strategy is not really working too well, believe me I wish it was that easy.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post

Huge hug hun.

Hugs I hear you. I have only had two but that is it for me. My family is complete, so I know I will never have a labour. And am still not sure how I feel about it. But i made the decidion to go ahead with my 2nd cs, when a vbac was not going to happen. Sometimes I wish I was able to have done it differently, but I know i made the right call at the time. Sorry I can't be more help. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

All the best for your birth.

Oh, hun. I too have ended up with 3 c-sections and worked so hard for a VBA2C for my third child but it wasn't to be. It's a tough gig grieving for the experience of vaginal birth that you'll never get to experience. Do allow yourself to grieve. If you would be willing to speak with another professional, i saw someone in East Melbourne who helped me work out why i was responding the way i was to my third & final birth. Will PM you her details if you're interested.

What helped me was have someone validate my feelings and acknowledge that there is some grief for an undesirable outcome (the birth NOT the baby!). She asked me whether disappointment was a common theme in my life and said that for some women it can be a part of a bigger issue about how they feel about themselves. For me it was quite the opposite. I put in so much effort and so expected the desired result but there's only so much we can control when it comes to the birth of our babies.

What is your story? Were you trying a VBAC? Are you hoping for more babies?

A part of my mind says i don't want another baby because i know i wouldn't have the option of trying naturally and i don't think i could handle that.

I haven't had a 'turning point' per se but a slow coming to terms with and acceptance of what happened. To be honest, i don't get that much time to think about myself anymore (my third is a few weeks older than yours!) and so it's just the passing of time that has helped me not to dwell on the experience. I don't feel like i 'gave birth' though to my babies. They were taken from my body and that's just a fact for me.

Look after yourself and take care.

Thank you all for replying to my thread.

Its funny you say that rufalina "but I know i made the right call at the time" because at the time I did too but now when I look back it doesn't feel like I made the right decision.

Hi RoyaUK, I think I know who you are talking about and I have seen Rhea once and have another appointment in a few weeks. I feel the same as you when you said "I don't feel like i 'gave birth' though to my babies. They were taken from my body and that's just a fact for me." and I cant help think that no amount of therapy can change that feeling.

I had an emergency c/s with DS1 - I was induced at 40wks and kick myself almost daily for letting myself be induced, I didnt know at the time that you can say no.
My second was an elective after battling severe depression the entire pregnancy I was too mentaly and physically exhausted long before I was due so did not think I could birth and at the end of the day did not have the support to. Again I wished I had of had more courage at the time as I think having a VBAC at that point would have been very rewarding.
My third was a very planned VBA2C but at 39weeks my big bubba was breech with no chance of turning and I was not willing to try a breech VBA2C.

I feel the same way about having more babies as you do RoyaUK.

Yes, it was Rhea! If you wanted someone else to debrief with, i also had a beautiful private midwife for my third baby who may be useful to talk to. You may find it useful to talk to a midwife. I can PM you her details if you're interested.

my story was not too dissimilar.
DD1 - induced at term after 2 days prelabour & emergency c-section.
DD2 - went to hospital too early, was still in prelabour but didn't know it & hospital wanted to process me so another c-section without me really being prepared for it. Also ended up with an inverted t-shaped incision which made any future births risky according to some doctors. Should have prepped for a VBAC more carefully.
DD3 - worked very hard for a VBA2C but after 6 days of 10 mins difficult contractions (still prelabour) and my waters breaking on day 5 and still no progress, i unwillingly took myself in for a c-section. Only dilated 1 cm.

My heart was still very heavy with disappointment a couple of months ago but as DD3 has started smiling and giggling it has started to become easier for me. In time you will leave that part of the journey behind.