My Story ~ Frustrations & Guilt

Everything was going along great. I just knew I was pregnant! I had terrible m/s and every symptom in the book. We got to hear the HB @ 8 wks during the u/s and then again @ my 11 wk appt., which nausea and hearing the HB are both signs of a positive preg! Until my 15 wk appt. I had some spotting WITH SMALL CLOTS just 2 days before my 15 wk check-up. The nurse couldn't find the HB so she sent me to the ER for an u/s. I was horribly anxious b/c the tech would not allow me to see the screen and wasn't allowed to tell me anything (she said b/c it was an emergency u/s). I felt cheated! The other tech told me she could ask if an ER doc could deliver the report so I didn't have to go home worrying until my OB called the next day... which left me w/false hopes! I assumed that she meant that she didn't want me to 'worry for nothing' ~ I was wrong! I waited another hr in ER for the devastating news, from a doc I'd never met, feeling jipped again. I could have went home w/one last night of hope & received the news at home instead of hearing it from a total stranger in a cold ER room!!! I NEVER got to see my baby b/c that same tech did my 8 wk u/s and let me hear the HB but never let me watch while she did the scan even tho I practically begged, which I reminded her while she was doing the emergency scan. To top it all off, I called my OB the following morning to fill him in and he rushed me to his office (out of town), only to send me to the hospital to register and be admitted for a d&c that I had to wait 8 hrs for before he arrived!!! Oh & they told me that the baby was only measuring 12 wks so it had stopped growing 3 wks prior = (

I'm also dealing w/guilt and anger issues. I'm angry b/c I have a niece who is expecting her 1st in October but does nothing but complain about how much she hates being preg... even now, to me, after my loss! My nephew and his wife are expecting 2 wks after my EDD and actually want me to throw them a shower! BTW, this will be her 4th kid by the 4th father and she doesn't even have custody of all her kids! He called me the day after my d&c... just to ask what I was doing w/my baby stuff! How rude! & then there's My daughter's friend, who is 15 y/o, just had twins that she planned to abort until she found out they were twins... simply for the novelty of it! These things make me so angry!!! From the u/s tech jipping me out of seeing my baby, to the tech who set me up to be let down, to the doctor who rushed me in to leave me wait all day, right to the insensitive people in my life who are allowed to continue to procreate!
Thing is, I was feeling guilty and selfish for grieving my loss whenever I know people who sacrifice their emotions to this same type of loss over & over again, just for the hope of one healthy child whenever I have 2 great kids. I know I'm blessed and trust me, I show my thanks for those blessings every day. I also believe everything happens for a reason in it's right time and place but WOW, this is a hard pill to swallow! Of course, I'm only 10 days into this & I realize time heals so I'm trying to remain patient too.

I have decided to give our rainbow baby a name, even tho we are unsure of the sex & never even saw him/her. We had a name picked for a girl, boy and a unisex name so we went w/the latter & named our baby Kennedy. I have been writing, sharing and praying which has helped a lot! I found this website yesterday and had to come back & join today! I love it already.

Also, a good friend of mine reminded me of a great quote from a great book we read (Twilight Saga) that I sorta stole & made my own & I find it inspiring so I will share ~~~> "I don't think the pain will weaken over time, but I believe that we'll grow strong enough to bear it some day."

~MizzIzz

Big hugs :hug: Kennedy will always be with you, no matter if you never saw him/her (on that point, it may be easier for you to just choose a gender to refer to him/her by? What did your gut say?)

I agree with you on the point of people being insensitive of your loss. One of my cousins - who has had two late losses herself - tried to tell me this week that "people don't count them for a reason" because I was complaining that my Nan's obituary said she had 16 great-grandchildren. Ianto was her 17th (not counting my cousin's two losses, since she doesn't count them herself) and she'd never have discounted him "just because" he was stillborn. :angry: I actually had to hold myself back at the funeral from snapping at my cousin that she might not think her babies count, but I certainly think my SON counts. :redface: I actually did slip it into my speech that I was so proud that Nan counted him, unlike some people...

...Ahem, sorry. If you stick around, you'll see I'm prone to rants/talking about myself ;) Welcome to bellybelly, in any case :hug:

So sorry for the loss of your precious baby Kennedy, he will always be with you in your heart. That is a very special and true quote. I lost my baby boy 4yrs ago and yes the pain is still there but I have grown stronger because of him and now I can truly say he has brought so much joy.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

I am so sorry for your loss. You're right, time does help you to heal. It's been 2.5 years since my loss now, and am definitely stronger. "Softer, but stronger", I say. My heart was softened, and my resolve strengthened to appreciate the little things in life, however fleeting they may be.

I hope you find the comfort and support you need here, it truly is a wonderful place.

:grouphug:

im so sorry hun..

but your emotions are valid, and warrented, as they are descriptions of how YOU feel.

I understand your emotions as i have been there myself.

welcome to bb its a wonderful place full or strength and guidance, anad lots of wonderfull ladies like yourself.