Just rambling about grief and loss

I'm fairly new here and am still yet to put my story of loss up here. I am trying to find the right words I guess. The account of my baby's birth, life and death that I've tried to write is so long and I cant seem to shorten it.

It has been 9 weeks since my 5 week old girl passed away from a rare genetic condition. We didnt know about it before, during or after pregnancy. It just manifested itself at 3 weeks of age while she was in hospital. And days later they told us she wouldn't live very long and if she did it would only be a few weeks/months and it would not be easy. So the following 2 weeks when she was on life support were the most stressful in my whole life.

8 weeks ago it was a lot worse and I was in so much shock, pain and anxiety. I feel like I have come a fair way with the grieving, and am "dealing with it" better than before. Each week I get just a tiny bit stronger. So I am doing some things that I couldnt do early on. But life still isnt the same, I guess there is a "new normal" now.

I am doing a lot of different therapeutic things to deal with it, all of which I think are helping in combination and I have a lot of support around. But no matter how strong I feel, or how distracted I may be somedays, there is always some point where the reality keeps coming back to me that THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. EVER. It happened. I had a baby and now I dont. My arms ache to hold her again. I will never know who she would have become. There is a big part of me and my life that is missing. She is not coming back. Why did this happen, why did she suffer. Why did she have to die???

I do feel warm when I get reminders about her. I am glad I got to spend 3 good weeks with her before she became ill. So I have some beautiful memories. But then it was cruelly taken away. I do believe she is an angel to watch over us, for whatever reason that may become clear someday but not in this lifetime, and I will see her again one day and that warms my heart. But still, in the cold reality of day, I miss her so so so much. I feel angry that I was deprived of keeping her, of being able to share my life with her. I temporarily put my focus on other things but at the end of the day, I miss her so much and I think of her every minute of the day. It just doesnt go away. All I want to do is think of her, talk about her and live in my mind back in June/July when she was alive.

I read a lot about grief and have read every book in the library about maternal grief that I could find. I have read so many accounts of other women who have lost babies and it makes me so sad and angry that we have to live our lives without them and cant see them. And the sad thing is it is not just me but there are so many women out there going through exactly the same thing and never got to see their baby again (which is the reality when they die) but reading it confirms it in a way, that so many people are living their lives like me, missing their babies. It just hits home, makes it real to me that it happened and she wont be coming back.

When does this pain ease? does it every go away?? :(

OH MY GOSH!!! u poor woman!! if u were next to me id scoop u up and give u the biggest hug and cuddles!!
i am literally wiping tears away right now (p.s very rare for me).. i cant begin to explain how sorry i am but how grateful u got to have that 3 week time frame with ur lil baby...
i am so so so so sorry that u have gone through this and hope u have alot of support.. although through here u will be made to feel like ur everyones sister and friend...
the pain goes slowly but will take a while as u heal the pain will subside but it always hangs in there for those moments that count.. U have lost something so precious and so important to u and thats something that takes time... but if u ever ever need any shoulder to cry on or just too pour out too PM me ill always have u in my thoughts hun :)

:( :hug:

Sweetie, my heart goes out to you, I wish that I could take away your pain. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I pray that the memories you have will stay warm in your heart forever.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

Maisy, my heart absolutely goes out to you. :hug: I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

Although our stories are so different, I, like you am grateful that I got to spend time with my babies alive, when many others don't get that chance.. I am however still bitter and feel immensely ripped off that I had to say goodbye at all..

9weeks after the death of your little one is such a short amount of time.. In the early days of grief, for me each day I managed to function was a blessing (still is sometimes) but I can honestly say I was in shock for at least 4 months.. The pain of grief, well yes in my experience it does get easier.. It's different. I do not believe I will ever get over the death of Taite and Seth, but I have learnt to live with it.. I will admit though that sometimes I still have those days where the grief is too hard to bear and the reality of what has happened cripples me, but those days are few and far between.. It is a hard, horrible journey and it is painful that you can't do anything about it.. I will always have babies that died and sometimes that reality is hard to get your head around.. I have no idea if I have helped you at all or answered your question as I am only giving my experience.. Once again I am sorry you lost your precious baby xx

I'm so sorry to hear that you have had to experience such devastating heartbreak :hug: I don't know what it is like to walk the path you are walking now, but I hope that it does get easier for you to do it :hug: I would feel very honoured to be able to read about your DD when you are ready to share it.

Maisy - we're in a similar boat as you know, so I can't tell you if it gets easier. I do know a woman whose son was stillborn 40 years and she still aches for him. Unfortunately, as you say, this is the new normal.

It's been 8 weeks since my son Leo was born and died and it is all so raw. I feel robbed too. It isn't supposed to be like this. There are women here who can relate and I hope that helps you.

Do you mind me asking, what is your DD's name? I look forward to reading her story when you have the energy to post.

Tash - her name was Sophie.

Thanks guys, it means a lot to hear nice comments and support. It is hard to talk about it a lot IRL. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of people who are caring and willing to listen but I feel like I dont want to burden people with it. And people are sympathetic but sometimes I feel like everyone has moved on now but I am stuck in a moment in time. I know the world still revolves and life goes on but when the chatter is about other things my mind keeps wandering back to Sophie and everything that happened during those 5 weeks. And in some ways sometimes I feel like I have nothing to contribute because all that is really on my mind or all that I really want to discuss is her but I dont want to repeat myself over and over either by going on about it.

The good and the bad days is something I have to learn to live with, but I just wish I didnt have to summon up so much strength in the process. Sigh.

It is hard too as she was a whole new person with a little personality and mannerisms, and someone that I will never get to know.

I'll try and cut down my account of what happened as it is way too long!

Don't feel you have to cut down her story - she made such a huge impact on your life in such a short time it would only be fitting if you included everything :hug: And use the forums as much as you can. Sometimes it is easier to write down words instead of speaking them :hug:

Sophie is such a beautiful name. I found too that all I wanted to do was talk about Emmanuel but it was hard for others to understand. This was when BB became my haven as I could talk all I wanted about Emmanuel and I was truly understood and supported. :hug: hun.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

Maisy - I am so sorry for the death of your precious and beautiful daughter Sophie. Such a beautiful and pretty name. You are so brave for coming on to BB and sharing. Your journey into grief so far, seems pretty "normal" whatever that is now. The only way forward is a moment at a time. Your new normal will change over time and it probably won't be revealed to you for a while.

You will always be Sophie's mother and a part of you will dwell forever in the time you had with her, from discovering your pregnacy, through your pregnancy, your labour and your time with your darling angel on this earth, even though far too short. As hard as it is at times, though, these are your precious memories of your baby girl. Honour them, now and into the future as you feel you need to.

I agree with Blessed at Last - I am not sure the pain/anger/sense of unfairness/ aching ever goes away, but it becomes something that's less in the front of all that you do, and a bit like an old hat - you get to know it and understand it a bit better, and you may not like it, but get used to the fact that it's there. But there will also be times where your grief surprises you and comes out of left field.

What worked for me? Iniitally just crying a lot and being with people who I knew would support and protect me, writing lists of things I needed to do just to function, taking small steps to re-enter the world but not being too hard on myself if I couldn't do it or broke down, finding BB, eventually finding the most perfect and amazing counsellor, spending a lot of time thinking about my angel babies ( one of mine is a Sophie too), finding ways to memoralise them, learning as you seem to have that those closest around me whilst they love me and support me, could only deal with and offer so much to me ( sort of like they get grief fatigue), so it's good to find other mummies to forever babies, because we all understand and I can honestly say I don't get grief fatigue, journalling how I felt, doing as much reading on grief and bereavement as I could, making sure I kept connected with my DH and doing trhings with him but also asking him about his feelings as he was greiving too, writing out my pregnancy and birth stories and giving myself a whole heap of time and space to adjust. I took time away from work, and gradually went back to work.

I have experienced multiple losses and it doesn't get any easier, but what it does is gives me a bit of a roadmap for what my grief journey might be like. Sometimes I am still overwhelmed by my grief, and other times not so much. it's so hard to predict

One of the things that helps me face each day is I made a promise to my angels that, even though they didn't get to live their lives, their spirit and love live on through me. They guide me in all that I do, and give me strength and love that I never knew, I have truly been touched bygrace. I am the living embodiment of my hopes and dreams for them and that is what gets me through. But we all find our own way.....

Go gently my sweet.

Maisy - my heart goes out to you that your darling Sophie was only with you for such a short time. I don't know what you're going through, only that to suffer such a loss would be beyond heartbreaking.
Wishing you, your DD1 and family all the best.
Andie xx

I am so sorry your arms are empty. I suppose life doesnt go back to normal. You your DH and DD need to find a new normal that included all your memories of your beautiful DD2!

My heart breaks for you all!