4th Miscarriage this year - the crack that broke the dam wall
Hi
This is going to be a very long post which might contain some uncomfortable imagery and I thank anyone who is willing to read it.
I have had several miscarriages over the last 20 years, some have been straight forward in terms of miscarriage, one was a missed miscarriage discovered at 19 weeks during a scan.
I also have 3 wonderful kids, 2 grown up and one growing up waaay to quickly.
My daughter was somewhat of a miracle - I had ovarian cysts, was on the pill and used a condom and I then spent the whole pregnancy terrified that I would lose her.
My DH has no children and even though we are both in our 40's, we decided to try for one. We have had no problem getting pregnant but each pregnancy has ended quite early.
The most recent pregnancy, started really well, we got past the 5 week mark with fantastic blood results, everything was going really well, but I was panic, anxious, panic, anxious, so my GP being fantastic offered to send me for an early scan to "put my mind at rest".
We went to have the scan and up on the screen I saw the sac but nothing else and I heart sank - DH at this time was blissfully unaware that anything was wrong. The scanographer said that we should wait as according to my LMP I was only just 6 weeks.
Well according to my LMP I might have been 6 weeks but according to me, backed up by ewcm, and the BFP 12 days after the ewcm, I knew I was 7 weeks and that all was not right.
My Dr took more blood tests and although they had risen, it wasn't at the same rate as the last rise, but I was still getting morning sickness and very sensitive boobs so he sent me for another scan to 'confirm' a blighted ovum.
We went to the scan - there was something on the screen, the yolk, which was not at all visible a week earlier was there, clear for all to see. My Dr took more blood but again, a very low rise, but I needed to wait for another scan.
We went for the last scan and sure enough, the yolk that was there was only a vague shadow, the sac was no longer smooth but looked as though it was collapsing so we went to KEMH and booked in for a d&c.
I have just discovered that this pregnancy is what is called a Partial Molar pregnancy which is where the embryo has too many chromosomes and can be caused by two sperm fertilising the egg or it being a twin pregnancy that has not developed properly.
This sort of pregnancy is non-viable and molar pregnancies can lead to a form of cancer so you have to monitored by weekly blood tests to make sure that your blood levels are returning to normal and after they return to normal you then have to wait for a period of time before you can try again, to make sure that the molarness has gone completely.
This is the first loss where I have been given a cause - all my previous miscarriages except Meg (19 weeks) were straightforward, I started bleeding, lost the baby and it was over without needing a d&c.
Meg was different, this was 17 years ago and in the UK. I was late for my 16 week scan because my father had died and I was busy with that. There were no regular blood tests for hCG levels or early scans, just the one at 16 weeks and followup scans if necessary. You didn't get to see the scan as it happened, just got a quick look if the scanographer turned the screen around and a print out at the end.
So it was one scan, where I was told 'there's no heartbeat' and that they thought the baby had died a couple of weeks earlier by size and then it was off to theatre for an 'Evacuation and Removal of Products of Conception' and the products were sucked into a 'slops bucket' - I knew this fact because I woke up part way through the procedure and saw it. They also got the age of the baby wrong because she was larger and more developed than expected and I should have gone through a labour rather than surgical procedure.
Those are the facts, now the emotions ...
For me personally, having an early miscarriage, especially when no scan has occurred is easier to accept? handle? cope with? I can't actually find a word to fit because at the end of the day my baby is no longer, but I can get my head around it more easily and thus soothe my heart some.
I thought finding out why it happened would make it easier, instead I have a cause, but no answer to the question why? Why did two sperm fertilise my egg, do I have dodgy eggs? Quite likely in my mind as I am 42, or is it because I have some weird hormone levels at times and my DH is thinking, is it because my sperm are weird or abnormal? All we got in reply was that the Dr (not my GP) didn't know why and didn't have the time to discuss it.
After the first scan we had I was suddenly thrown into an awful time flux of some sort and I was in the scan room here and then it would become the room I was in 17 years ago and then all I can think of is 'what if they were wrong?'. I was still throwing up from morning sickness, and I had thought that I could feel her moving the night before the scan. At one point, it was thought that it might be twins because I was quite large.
So after this pregnancy with all the scans and such and the fact that there have been many tales of mistaken interpretations from scans, I am left wondering if my Meg was really dead - my GP has tried to put my mind at rest but all I can think about was, what if they just couldn't see it or what if it was twins and one that wasn't seen wasn't dead. I now have nightmares of Dr's rushing to surgery to tell them to stop because they were wrong but it's too late.
With this pregnancy because I was able to be certain and saw for myself that it was not viable, I was comforted? (again how can you be comforted when you see that your pregnancy is not going to result in a live baby) that there was nothing there, no baby, so that's ok (no, no it's not, not in the slightest but it was all we had), and then we are told that actually yes there was a baby, one that would have been deformed and died anyway and might even lead to cancer - does that make me feel better as a woman or a mother? No, it doesn't, in fact it makes me feel bad as the baddest bad bad thing you can feel, actually I feel even worse than that.
I am lucky to have been referred to an excellent psychologist before this pregnancy for help with the previous miscarriages, but I don't think there is anything that can ever take away the pain, not just of the lost children you don't have but also the fact that physically? medically? you could not have the successful pregnancy.
I am very lucky in the fact that DH is incredibly supportive and is turning out to be an excellent, just get on with it, non complaining housewife on the days that I am not up to it.
One of the potential issues with molar pregnancies is that you have to wait for upto a year before you can try again, which would make me at least 43 and at greater risk, so now we are faced with the choice, risk more miscarriages or call it a day.
I know how blessed I am to have my 3 children but at the end of the day, I really don't want my childbearing to end with such failure; and right now, to me, it is a failure, if only we could have one baby and finish on a high rather than this awful awful low.
If you have managed to get this far, thank you for reading, I just needed to get it out.
Thanks
