Advice on what to do with DD1 :/

Hi all,
It's Wednesday morning and DD1 is supposed to be getting ready for daycare. She goes two days a week, and has been going for well over a year now, but for a few months she's been sticking on a turn every day when I get her up and try to get her dressed.
She keeps saying that she 'hates bubba school' and that her friends 'hate her' and that she doesn't like them... I'm so sad for her! When I take her to daycare, she clings to me and says she wants to go home with DD2 and I (I've got DD2 on the waiting list for one day a week, Nursery is all booked up), and cries and yells when I leave, I have to get one of the carers to pick her up and hold her while I get out the gate :(
I've established a really good relationship with her carers and DD1 LOVES Miss A, Miss B and Miss J, and I really feel that they're being totally honest with me when they tell me she cries for about 5 mins of a morning and then has a fantastic day, playing with toys, reading stories, singing and dancing and doing crafty things. DD1 is always in a good mood when I pick her up and tells me she had a great day, which is why I'm so confused.
Her carers tell me she gets along with the other kids just as well as any child - has her little group of friends that always band together, and of course has the odd couple of kids she doesn't get along with - that's life. DH and I talk to her about how to cope with people she doesn't get along and help work through strategies to deal with things like one particular kid who likes kicking people in the shins etc.

I'm just wondering if this fight twice a week is worth it :( It's not like DD1 has it better here at home with me - she's an extremely bright kid and I just cannot give her the stimulation she needs on a daily basis, she has learned so much at daycare and I'll be honest, I need the break from her. But now it's getting to the point where every time I mention she has to finish her breakfast, or get dressed, or get her hat because it's time to go to daycare, she tears up and says her tummy hurts...

I worry that the thing with 'hating' the other kids is not normal... she's an extremely social child and loves meeting and talking to anybody and everybody, but when I think about it, I always see her talking to other grown-ups, she gets along great with adults but is not so comfortable around kids her own age :( Even friends who have kids around her age, she's not terribly interested in them, she wants to play with much older kids or adults. It's not like she's shy or developing her social skills, she just doesn't seem to want anything to do with kids her own age, everyone else (and even babies) is great in her book. I don't know what that means.

Should I just pull her out of daycare and keep her home until she starts Prep? I'd hate for her to miss out on new learning opportunities that I can't give her and then have to 'catch up' when she starts school. Maybe look into another centre? The waiting lists are long around here, the carers and facilities at the centre she's at are of a very high standard and we've been there for so long I worry that changing to another daycare centre would just make things worse for her - having to start all over again with making new friends and getting to know her carers. Or just keep persisting with taking her to daycare despite her protests as she does seem to be gaining a lot and enjoying herself at daycare, and she's at the age where she has to learn that sometimes we have to do things we might not want to because that's part of growing up??

I just don't know any more :( DH always has the 'simple' answers: either pull her out (and he doesn't think of the consequences), or just make her go :( I need some ideas! Thanks for reading all that, if you got this far... I do tend to ramble on :/
I'm keeping her home today (Lord knows how I'm going to accomplish grocery shopping with two unruly kids in tow), but I need to work out where I go from here.
TIA for any advice.
x

Wow, what a dilemma!
What happens when you remind her of the things she does there, how happy she is after the first few minutes?
It must be hard to see her so sad. Could you maybe hang out there for a bit? Or would that make things worse?
I wish I had a solution for you.
I used to find that in the early days getting my two there in time for fruit at 9:30 worked really well. Everyone was sitting so it wasn't quite so overwhelming, and there was food - double bonus.
Do the teachers have any suggestions?
good luck, I hope someone can come up with more useful suggestions

Hey babe.



Your DD1 sounds like me as a kid...I was a bit of a handful apparently LOL! She also sounds very bright, free spirited and indipendant. I don't think pulling her out or changing is the right option, as from what you've said, she does get a lot out of it and likes her carers. Obviously I don't have kids of my own, but based on my own situation when I was younger, here are my thoughts.



1. Does she get enough sleep at night? If you left her in the mornings, does she sleep past her daycare day wakeup time? Maybe she is simply NOT a good morning person? Lol.



2. I used to love daycare but man would I kick up a fuss for going each morning. My fear was that mum and my younger brother would have heaps of fun without me, and I was missing out. Mum and dad had to let me know that I would be having fun too, and that it's okay that I'm not with them all the time during the day anymore.



3. The thing mum and dad did to try to get me excited about going to daycare was to offer an incentive...even though deep down I knew it was going to be fun and I'd have a good day, I still kicked up a fuss. So every morning, mum would make me a 'special' daycare brekkie with cheese and fruit and vegies in a little box with separate compartments. Then we'd leave a little early (while dad looked after jack) and go and eat our special brekkie together at a local park, sometimes go to the cafe etc. That way I got a bit of one on one with mum that day, and I felt like a big girl :lol: Then off to daycare. Dad would also pick me up at the end of the day with a new addition to my dolls house; a new chair, saucepan etc. It gave me something to look forward to, even before the day had officially started. Like I said, I have no experience, but this is what mum did for me :)

Sounds exactly what DS is doing at the moment. Says he doesn't want to go, whereas a couple of months ago he absolutely loved it. I kept him home for one day, and since then he's tried it every time, but we've stuck to our guns, and he's gone. One day he was clinging to me like a koala and the carer had to peel him off me. Was most distressing to me, I cried when I got out to the car. But when I rang about half an hour later - he was fine. The carers don't understand it, I don't understand it, but he IS getting better.

I've been told it is a stage that they go through, so we're just waiting it out.

DD1 went through this at about 3yo as well. It didn't last for too long fortunately but I found that framing things for her helped a lot. I would tell her each night before she went to bed what she was doing the next day and saying that she would play with A, J and S etc. They are also learning at this age how to get what they want so when they realise that the tantrums don't work then they tend to settle down.

Is there any way you could stick around for a bit longer at daycare when you drop her off? My DD loves preschool, but went through a stage at the end of last year where she didn't want me to leave. So it was about her and I, rather than preschool. She was getting really upset. So I started sticking around for a bit longer whenever I could, until she was happy and then I'd give her a kiss and tell her I'd be back later. TBH sometimes she wasn't that happy and would still get a bit teary, but I'd try and make sure on those days she had a teacher there to continue an activity with her and distract her.

That way, when she got upset when we got there I could reassure her, "no, I'm not going yet, I'll stay with you for a little while. Show me what you'd like to play with now". Some kids get the separation anxiety at the start, but my DD waited until she'd been there nearly two years to get all worried!

Oh, and I don't know if it's a coincidence, but DD loves our walk together to preschool, she gets my full attention and can chatter away about whatever is going through her mind. I think that helps enormously.

Not sure if that helps!

Umm, so how much do you girls ROCK? A whole lot :D Thank you so much for your advice, experiences and support :) Have been trying to get back to this thread all day, having DD1 at home on a Wednesday has tossed my routine out the window :/

Thanks littlelara :) I struggle to get the kids organised before 9am most days!! I have sat with her for storytime a couple of times when we've been late but it seems to make things harder, I feel that it's easier on her carers if I get her in as bright and early as possible so there is more ability for them to calm her down (less kids around needing their attention) and it's less disruption for other children if they're all still out on the playground of a morning just doing their own thing, rather than trying to focus on a group activity :/ But I like the morning tea idea, DD1 barely gets her breakfast in before I'm hustling her into fresh clothes and out the door (what is it with 3yo's and dawdling!).

PZ, honey, I really think you've about hit the nail on the head. We've had jealousy issues since DD2 arrived and it's just a real shame DD2 is such a clingy baby, because DD1 rarely ever gets alone time with me, my mum won't take DD2 on her own because of it :( She knows that Wednesday is shopping day and I think she feels that she's missing out but I've got DD2's name on the waiting list for Wednesdays so I can start shopping in peace again! I overspent at Woolies today by about $70 because with the two kids in tow I just toss stuff into the trolley and try to get out of there asap, it's awful lol :/ And seeing as she takes after me in every other way, it certainly wouldn't be a surprise to find she's just not a morning person lol - when we're not in a hurry she's up at the crack of dawn and into mischief, but if I have to wake her she's the world's biggest grumble-guts (and guess which days I'm up earlier than her?). She usually gets all excited about daycare the night before and stays up until stupid hours of the night bouncing around, I'm trying to get DH to work with me on establishing a better routine.

Arimeh, Nai and Jennifer - so awesome to know I'm not alone in struggling with this one! It really sucks that the kids put on a turn when we drop them off, it's just been bugging me so much lately with her comments about not getting along with the other kids... but I do agree that it is probably just a phase and she'll get over it soon enough if we just tough it out :) Thanks so much for making me feel like I'm not the world's meanest mummy, forcing my daughter to go to daycare when she doesn't want to!!

I really appreciate all your replies, thank you all :) I talked to DH this afternoon and I think we're in agreement with you all - just a phase, keep going, pulling her out now and trying to find a new centre would just be far more trouble than it's worth. I really appreciate the support and advice, cross your fingers for me that Monday is an easier week and brings a HAPPY child heading off to daycare for a change! ;)