In Laws that dont care!!!

Hi

My mother and father in law just dont care!!

We basically dont see them, they only ring up when it suits them, forget the kids birthdays, and when they do remember the kids get a gift voucher as they say that they have no idea what they want or the inclination to find out!

They dont ring DH just to see how he is, I find this all really weird as I had such a close relationship with my parents. It doesnt seem to bother DH too much, BUT I know that it hurts him that our kids dont have grandparents that care!

I am just waiting for the fall out when he announces that we wont be attending his fathers 70th birthday in December, we are hoping to take the girls to Robbie Williams that night. His parents are planning this HUGE deal, expecting us all to be in attendance so that they can pretend they are the best grandparents in the world. DH says that they can just deal with it, but what always happens is that they blame me for not allowing the kids to go, its always MY fault.

Thankfully I will have a while before we have to tell them, since we have decided that we will not be doing the usual Fathers Day get together, my Dad passed away in Feb, so we think that this year will be really tough for all of us. His family understand that the kids and I wont be there but they still expect DH to attend, when he wants to be here for his own family.

I have always been very careful what I say in front of the girls about the IL. I think that at almost 13 and 10, they are old enough to make their own decisions about whether they wish to see their grandparents. They dont want to. All this stems from the last get together we went to, MIL and FIL didnt even say hello to my girls at all! They both said that they are sick of being nice to them and getting nothing in return.

I feel horrible that my kids are missing out, both my parents are in heaven and I know how much they adored my kids, and how much love and respect my kids would have if they were still here. So it really bothers me that these people feel that they can treat my kids like this and nothing will be said. Well, to be honest, nothing ever is said as no one can be bothered trying to change them.

Should I just let the girls decide if they want to go to something OR should I tell them that we will all go just to keep the peace?

Personally, I wouldn't make your girls go. They'll just get more upset, by the sounds of things. We have a similar thing with my in-laws: they're a lot nicer than yours, just they do favour BiL more and I'm a bit nervy about what they'll be like when DH and I have children (I'm fairly sure PiL won't want any favourite other than niece, but you never know...). I'm not "allowed" to say anything to my in-laws either, though it bothers me that DH has to "pay them back" for birthday presents with work on their computer/house and don't want my children to go through the same.

My own mum was ignored by her grandma and was made to visit and hated the woman - she died when I was 7 and I never met her. In fact, my grandma used to frequently have it out with this woman (her mother) about loving my uncle and ignoring my mum, even at my mum's first birthday (there's 1 year 2 weeks between her and her older brother), mum's nan brought her brother a shedload of toys and my mum nothing - my grandma returned all my uncle's gifts to her mum and chowed her out.

Anyway, just to say my mum was forced to see her nan when she was younger and once she was old enough not to, she never saw her again or went to her funeral. So if you force your children to see them now, they may not want to if their grandparents decide to change later on.

Sending you lots of cyber hugs, Dinky - I really think this is going to be a tough Father's Day and creating more problems with people you love is not the best of things, even if you're only doing it to avoid problems with people you never really see.

Dinky,
I dont know if this will help or not... But here is my experience....
My Dads parents were snobby, nothing nice to say & extremely bossy, not only to Mum but also to us... They came over ever Saturday from 3 til 4:30, this was their routine there were 5 grandkids (us 3 girls) & Dads brother had 2 kids (a boy & a girl) they were bossy to all of us. As we got older we were kinda told by Dad that we HAD to be home when they visited, yet they'd walk in the door & us 3 would say Hi & they'd hand over a mars bar & we'd go outside they were not interested in anything we did, no kicking a footy, or watching any sports any of us played etc, they'd leave at 4:30 & not come outside to say goodbye!
In the end we would argue with Dad & not wan to be home to see them, we prefered to go visit our friends etc..
I can recall Mum & Dad going to a wedding & my Grandma & Grandpa were baby sitting us & had bought these 3 matching lacey, frilly dress's & wanted us to put them on so they could take photo's to send to relo's Overseas!!! I dont do dress's EVER!!!! So I argued (I was 8) I was wearing my denim overalls with a Kiss T-shirt & she wanted me in the dress, I said "No, I didnt like it & didnt want to wear the dress, I wanted to go to the park" So I walked to the park which was about 4 houses away... Well she strutted down & pulled me by the hair all the way back to their house & dragged me up the 12 or so concrete steps & locked me in their attic where I was not given anything, I looked at my sisters in their ugly dress's having their pictures taken & was glad to be stuck in the attic!
I can remember hearing Mum & Dad pull up a few hours later to collect us & they let me out, so Mum & Dad wouldnt know!!!
I did tell & they never babysat us even fopr 5 mins after that!

Mum then told Dad we didnt have to be home to see them & we rarely visited as you were not allowed to do anything!!!
My Grandma passed away about 12 yrs ago now & I really cannot recall anything remotely nice or endearing about her! My Mum's Mum passed away about 6 yrs ago & I adored her she had 11 babies 2 of whom passed away at birth, My Mum's Mum & Dad had nothing but my Nan always volunteered at the local Op Shop, she gave so much to everyone & weould kiss us & cuddle us & tell us she loved us although there were about 60 grandkids & great grandkids she took ti9me to know them/us all!
At her funeral Maddy & I placed a big pair of Fairy wings on her casket coz she was extremely ill & would tell me she wanted to fly in the sky with the angels!!! I have not a bad memory of this Woman whom I adored & still do...
Mum's Dad is also a gorgeous man that although depressed since Losing his beloved wife, will still hug & kiss all of his kids, grandkids & greatgradkids!!!

I started to resent my Mum & DFad for making us be polite & respectful to these rather nasty, cruel & mean grandparents that to me should love their grandkids indefinately!!!

My Dads Dad told me my hair was too bleached & I looked like a fat hippo & was rather embarassing to his family at my Older sisters Wedding!!! I was a bridesmaid & my Grndfather said that to me!!! I was devastated, but in true fashion, gave him lip that I believd had been building up since I was a kid.. Dad was hurt about how I had spoken to his Father, but I think he was more hurt that his Father had spoken like that to his daughter (I am extremely close to my Daddy!)....
Ok, so I started rambling (Maybe I needed to vent that) but Dinky dont force your kids they will resent it later on....

Best of luck!!!

OMG... since having my baby I can't believe how many problems have surfaced with DP's (dysfunctional) family. Now neither his mother or brother are speaking to us or seeing us and haven't seen Lucy since she was three weeks old.

After being so upset about the situation (not our choice to 'sever ties') and talking about this with other people I can't believe how many other people have problems with their in-laws once kids come along. I don't feel quite so bad knowing that it's so common, but I wonder why there isn't more help on how to deal with extended family in this situation?

In our case I think DP's focus on his new family and not jumping for his Mum and keeping the peace for the lot of them has caused the breakdown in their relationships with him. I feel desparately sorry for DP but we are trying our best to set the boundaries so that Lucy isn't growing up adversely affected by their tantrums and completely unreasonable behaviour.

My thoughts go out to all of you dealing with these issues!! All we can do is be the best parents we can and try our hardest not to do this to our own kids one day!