Part debrief and part woohoo

..... I’ve been exclusively expressing for my DS for 13 weeks as we had so many problems with establishing BF, or as I tend to think of it these days, direct BF.

I often feel I’ve taken the easy way out by expressing, but then when I think of all that is involved I remind myself it’s not necessarily the easy option. There are the bottles, feeding DS then setting time aside to express which is particularly difficult lately when he has wind and won’t settle. I feel sad when I see a mother BF in public and I pull out a bottle, even though I know it’s EBM, I still judge myself (note, I’m much harsher and more judgemental on myself, so no judgement is intended on those that FF – I was almost down that path).

I’ve always wanted to BF so was devastated when it wasn’t happening for us. I think I’m only just coming to terms with what happened in the post-natal ward that undermined my confidence to BF my son. In the early days when I was expressing whilst struggling to get DS to attach I wished that the midwives would give me the okay to stop trying, or that my milk would dry up so I could FF without the guilt of making that decision, but at the same time I would constantly worry about my supply and went on maxilon to increase it. I’m pleased to say that as I look back I’m thankful of the midwives guidance, praise and encouragement. I’m also pleased to look in the freezer and see the 40 to 50 bags of EBM. I also get great joy and consolation in gazing into my DS’s eyes when I’m giving him his bottle.

I’m really pleased we’ve made it this far. In the early days I couldn’t see further than a week at a time, and definitely couldn’t see making it to three months, but I’m now aiming for 6.

I still struggle when people ask if I’m BFing. My DH asked the other day when was the last time I tried to get DS on the breast and I couldn’t really remember. I reminded him and myself that for us the important thing is he’s getting breast milk, not the way in which he gets it.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out.

Yay Cece - you are doing AWESOME!! I express 4 times a day for DD and BF twice a day and seriously, it exhausts me. To be expressing full time is an absolutely amazing feat and I have all the respect for you in the world for making this choice. This choice is soooo NOT the easy option. It is wonderful that your DS is getting breastmilk and that was your preferred option and you are making that happen.

I understand what you mean about what to tell people when they ask about BFing. My response is always "She has breastmilk exclusively" and leave it at that.

And wooohoooo about the 40 - 50 bags of BM. I use AVENT containers but definately don't have 40 of them!! Congratulations :)

Well done to both of you! Happiness is a well stocked freezer!
Now that your bub is bigger and stronger and not so "floppy" you might want to give attaching another try - if it works then great, if it doesn't work then you haven't lost anything. Maybe call the ABA and get a counsellor to guide you through the attaching process??

Huge hugs :hug:
It can be devastating when things don't come out the way you thought they would, especially when it feels like so much of it is beyond your control, or beyond what you can see / deal with at the time.
I hear you on the BF question. I never knew exactly how to answer & would say something clunky like 'yes... well no, we are expressing fulltime but she has breast milk, so kind of.. I'm lactating...' :redface:
You are doing a wonderful thing giving your boy EBM, so NOT the easy road at all! I know that doesn't completely ease the feelings of disappointment (I still have them!) but you should be proud of yourself.
Have you checked out the Exclusive Expressers thread?

:hug: and :clap: I am so so proud of you hon! I know how much you struggled in those early days and you are doing FANTASTIC! :dance::confetti: Your little man is so lucky to have such a fantastic Mummy! And you did NOT take the easy option! I can't tell you how proud I am of you!

MWAH

MG :hug:

CeCe I don't think you've taken the easy way out at all, and I think your are doing a brilliant job full time expressing!! I think starangelk's response is a great one for people who ask too.

I will admit I have serious freezer envy with all your bags of EBM ;)

Thank you all for your support.

Starangelk, you’re only one short of the number of sessions I do, so you too are doing great. I express after DS feeds and that seems to be enough for supply atm.
Kmn – I’ve often thought about giving attaching another go, but tbh I’ve lost confidence in that way of feeding. I got so many messages in hospital that I wasn’t giving DS enough and therefore risking his health (he had suspected wet lung followed by jaundice which took weeks to clear), followed by when I did feed from the breast I always needed to supplement with bottle. I just find this the best way for us. If we have another child I will certainly give BF a shot, but for now...
Fleur – Thank you. I read the thread about 3 or 4 weeks ago and I really think that’s when I started to accept this path. Seeing that others had successfully done this gave me the courage and determination to accept what is. In the early days I was constantly told that to have adequate supply DS needed to be attaching, but this thread showed me otherwise and I’ve begun to relax about it all. I’ve been meaning to post in there but just haven’t made the time to yet.
MG – thank you for your support in those difficult, indecisive days. You are a blessing to me.
Human Been – LOL at freezer envy. I now worry about the freezer not working and me losing my stash. Thank you for your support.

Fair enough!
I don't know if you could almost consider it a separate "experiment" - keep the expressing and EBM bottles and just attach when he would not normally be having a feed to see what happens.
He's much bigger and stronger, he has something in reserve, you know you have a whopping supply and you that your supply responds to pumping - so it would be pretty safe to give it a try. It's just such a monster workload for you...
hugs.

double post...