please help, convince DH no more my money/his money

we've been married 6 yrs, together 10. I'm a SAHM who gets FTBB and A. But we have seperate accounts and i have to ask DH for money when mine is gone, usually 2 days after i get it, once i buy groceries and pay bills :( How can i explain that i feel....actually i don't exactly know how i feel about it except that i hate it. I can't spontaneously meet friends for coffee, or even go to their homes if i can't get money for petrol? i have to wait for him to get home from work to go and get us milk. If i ask for money to get something for tea, and he gives me $10? I don't want to make him sound controlling and mean, cos he's actually not, but i think i've let it go too long and he just doesn't realise? His parents had a very strange money relationship and i know he tries hard not to be like his dad, but it's stressing me out regardless as i can see elements of the same thing happening with us. What's the best way to fix this? suggest a joint account and a joint budget to make it all fairer, or at least get him to transfer some $ into my account when he gets paid and agree that i'll take care of all grocery shopping.
I'm sorry for the long post, i'm just getting more and more fed up with the situation :(

Ohhh its hard with money. I recently put my foot down and said its shared money or else. I earn more but thats not the point, all of mine just like yours, was going on household bills and he just spent whatever with no clue about how much anything costs!
Frustrating!!!

Just put it all out in front of him and ask him how you can possible get dinner for a family with $10!!!! (as an example or send him to the shops with $10 and see what he comes back with.)

Do you think he'd be open to joint budget/accounts? Is there a reason it hasn't happened yet? Perhaps if you sit down with him and suggest you work on a joint budget, and have all your costs etc there, then work out how much $ for each bill/expense etc. Then you can suggest how to set up your accounts to best cover all the costs and what will need to be put in from each of you to cover it all etc. Maybe going in gently will help if he's been finding it a little hard to take a what's mine is yours approach.

DH and I have had the policy since we moved in together that once a couple lives together married or not they both live there eat, use gas/electricity etc so all money has always been our money. We do have seperate accounts but have access to each others atm cards whenever we want them (not that theres any money on either this year!) But i just dont understand how couples live in the my money his/her money routine I can see where your frustrations would be coming from.
All you can do is tell him what you have told us and hope he is understanding or at least able to sit down and do a budget with you so he can see your money doesnt go very far and offer to help out more with money on your behalf (dont mean that he doesnt pay for anything by that i mean you having more access to money!)
Good luck!

Ah hard one.
DF and i have had joint bank account since forever..At the time he was living in a apartment i rented, and he gave me part of the rent etc, and if he ran out of cash i would give him money ,we decided it was to hard, we got an account together and our money was 'our' money..( I still look after the money ) lol

I think its a bit hard on you if the money you get all thr food and bills goes towards..what does the money he gets go towards?
Would he sit down with you and talk about all the bills/food/expenses/ day to day odds and ends, and both of you work out a budget maybe? Then you can work out what money left over is 'spending money' for both of you?

This is just IMO but i just feel its easier and what you do sort of thing when you are a couple, you share everything including money.
I think he needs to understand where your money goes towards so he knows that you are paying for a lot ITMS

We have our own accounts, as well as one shared one. We are currently saving for a house, so ALL my money goes into the savings account (the shared account, we have both our names on that one) and we split whatever DP gets paid. We have a 'grocery wallet' (which includes petrol money) and a 'bills wallet' that we use to pay all our joined things. Then we both get a set amount of 'spending money' that we can do with whatever we want! I spend it on coffee or nights out with the girls and he spends his on cigarettes and records/cd's. That way I never feel like he's spending money we should be saving on cigarettes and vice versa.

So maybe if your DP is not comfortable having a joint account or just 'giving' you money for groceries, you can have a wallet specifically for groceries etc. Depending on how much he brings home and you bring home, you can figure out how much you should each put in the wallet. If he earns double as much as you, he has to put double in the food wallet... DTMS?

Good luck :hug:

I'd be tempted to just sit down with him and do up a budget for the coming year. Be brutally honest, and then both of you keep a "spending diary" - you can start it off by going through bank statements for where things are spent, eftpos etc. Set up a common goal - a holiday or big spend (like a tv) and work towards that.

It is really hard, I find it hard to be brutally frank with my DH about money, but budgeting is a different thing altogether, and we are very aware of the need to prepare savings for our children. And to teach them about responsible money management - that could very well be the key to getting your DH to work out a budget - the kids are old enough to be involved in this as well, make it a learning exercise!

Have you ever sat down with him and told him how you felt? When I first realised we'd be on a single income I got all upset about being financially dependent. I told DH the thought of being controlled by someone else over money gave me the heeby jeebies. It really upset me.

So we have a joint account for day to day transactions. He has his account and I have mine. When I'm not earning, he transfers money to my account. We also have a budget, though we're not great at keeping to it.

If you think he wouldn't want to be controlling, then tell him you don't want to be controlled by money, with your hand out like a child requesting an allowance. He may not realise that's how you feel or what he's doing is placing you in such a painful situation. If he disagrees or doesn't value how you feel, then that's a whole other ballgame.

I think society values the $ productive hours (ie a paid job) a lot more than the non-$ productive hours (all the rest) that goes into running a house/family. But it all counts. If you worked out how many hours you work at home and multiply that by the minimum wage ($14.50 I think), then you can get an idea of a base value in $ productive terms. If you looked at actual nanny/housekeeper rates, it would be a whole lot more, taking into account overtime, leave, superannuation etc. Less Tax on that and it should be an interesting calculation.

I felt much the same as Tashy when I realised I would be relying on loverboy financially, and because I couldn't bear the thought of him handing me money he organised for part of his pay to go straight into my account. Plus I get the ftb's in my account and use his key card for bills. That way he never needs to hand me cash.
His mum was sahm so he never knew what the big deal was, but for me it made a difference. I never wanted to feel like I had to justify my spending, and this way it's like my own wage too in a way.
HTH

I struggled with the idea of "our" money for ages, and it really only hit me when i went on maternity leave and had no income of my own..before then I'd just put half of all the bills, so for eg our rent was $220/week, so I'd put $110/week for rent into his bank account, and then it would all be paid out of his account. Now we have two joint savings accounts, we also have our own personal accounts/savings accounts, and his business bank account. He got extra bank cards, so we both have a card for his personal account and the business account.

If he doesn't like the idea of joint accounts, then duplicate bank cards probably won't work either..which would be much easier because you don't have to worry about transferring money into your account. Is there any reason why he's so against it? You two have been married for a while so I doubt you're going to suddenly run away with all his money!
If he won't agree, then you can at least work out how much your bills are per week and put that money into your account if yo uare the one that pays them, plus x amount for groceries, plus spending money for you (even if that's only $50/week) and that's your money to do what you like with, put into savings, have lunch with your friends etc but not for bills/groceries/essentials for the kids.

I don't understand the his money/her money thing unless it is the small amount of "personal spending money" that each is allocated in a budget. For us, it's normally about $20 a week, which we can spend on our own personal treats like coffee with friends etc. without having to give an account. Honestly, all your stress could be solved with a budget and a joint account which funds the budget, and leaving separate accounts for your "splurge money" - however much it is you decide. Perhaps putting it in a language he might understand will help too.

For instance,

A marriage is a contract. Not any contract, but a business contract. For thousands of years marriage has functioned as a business relationship as well as an emotional one - actually more often than not it's been a business one more than emotional, it's only been the last century that the emotional side has been more highly regarded. Just like a business, people can't all be employed in the exact same role, doing the exact same things. Each roll is important and makes the business function effectively. And a family, just like a business, the money needs to be spent where the money needs to be spent to keep it running. In this case you have looked at your skill sets, circumstances and your personal KPI's and have taken on the role of SAHM. Sometimes other couples look at their circumstances, KPI's etc. and see that the woman can earn more so have a SAHD instead, others decide that both want or need to work because this is what is best to keep their business running.

Perhaps you can ask him why he expects only one revenue area (your family payments) to run the whole business? Things like dinner aren't one off expenses where the board needs to look at the budget, have a meeting about whether the money needs to be spent and where it needs to come from - these are everyday business running costs. Why hasn't management done their metrics and work out how much needs to be spent where and then provide the money where it's needed?

I am reading a book (that was recommended by someone on BB) called "The Post-Baby Conversation" that talks about this very issue. It is an issue for many couples, but often the man doesn't realise the effect that having to ask can have on a woman. I haven't finished the book, so not sure what solutions it offers but you probably need to talk about it with hubby and work through different options to see what works for both of you and the household.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I think this has become an issue for me because i'm so bad at confrontation, and assume that it will be a fight when, really i have no reason to think it will be. I've been talking about it with a friend IRL, and she asked me what i'm afraid of? I think it's that he might suggest i go back to work, even tho he's always supported my desire to stay home. Could it be that i feel guilty about not working when i know he's always worked hard for us even when his job was hellish for him? Maybe. I suspect the reason we've not done it before now is that, like ssstorm, we used to halve everything; then we had kids and i no longer received the same funds as him each fn, but was too proud? to admit that i couldn't keep everything up. i'm really starting to think this is my issue, not his. I'm actually living what i always dreamed of but i feel guilty??? i'm too busy trying to prove that we can do it on one income, that i've forgotten that we are essentially a business partnership too as Yeddi points out. i don't want heaps of money, just to feel like we share this too i guess. I'm sorry for the ramble again. i'm going to approach the subject tonight and see how it goes.
and Kate07, i have read The PostBaby conversation. time to get it out of the library again i think!
Thanks everyone again xx

Good girl. You'll be fine

It's always been "our" money, I know his sisters are different with their partners.

We have a joint bank account, we have a joint credit card, any money is pooled and every thing is paid from that.

I've never bought into the whole he's the bread winner so it's his money stuff, I support him, I cook, I clean, I drop things out to work for him, I look after our children.

I must admit I find it kinda weird that couples, especially married couples, have a his money/her money thing. I understand that everyone is different, so I am not judging here at all, but it's not something that I have had experience with myself.

DH and I got a joint account not long after we were engaged and started living together. Initially we talked about it and agreed that for any largish purchases (even a pair of shoes) we would check with the other and we worked out a budget for all the essentials. It was a little nervewracking at first sharing money like that but it's just like second nature these days. We both generally have an idea of how much money is in our account or 'left over' for that particular fortnight and spend money on 'extras' accordingly.

I had this issue with DP and I said "you can keep your accounts but can I please get a card/internet banking to access it?" So it's still "his" account but I get access ITMS.

Do you think he'd go for it?