Shedding my baggage. (Feel free to join me to shed yours)

Hi.

This is me. I am paranoid. I have low self esteem. I am socially awkward. I start out shy, and then when you actually look interested in talking to me, I become very full on. I don't know how to fix this.

For the past 10 years I have been in an altered reality. I have some issues that I have buried and spent ten years pretending the previous 5 never existed. I have been lucky that in this time I have started a relationship with a wonderful man - but he is also carrying my baggage because I wouldn't face it and address it. Today I want to start doing that.

So, Day one.

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Dear World
by iMags on Friday, 12 November 2010
This is me. I am who I am. I can't be someone else because I am already me. I am going to be me for the rest of my life. I am the only person in the world who has to live with me, so please stop making me hate myself.

My body is not perfect. I have flabby bits, stretch marks, cellulite and some generously sized proportions. But I have carried and grown 6 children inside my body. I expect it to be imperfect. It is how I have to live, every day for the rest of my life. Yes, I have to live in my body. So everytime you comment or snicker or make whispered remarks, you create body issues for me. Your 5 minutes of amusement is a lifetime curse for me.
Did you really have to say anything at all?

I am who I am. Inside and out. I have my own mind, my own opinions and my own self worth. But when you make jokes at my expense, laugh at my thoughts and feelings and just generally behave like my existence is a personal affront to you, it has a lasting, life long effect on my self esteem. You get to go home, feel superior and amused at my expense then forget I ever existed. It won't matter to you if next year I am still feeling the effects of your comment. You probably won't even remember what you said. But I will.
There is no long lasting benefits for you for being cruel to and judgemental of me. So why do you do it?

But thats you, isn't it? You have to be who you are. You have to live with who you are for the rest of your life, and you know what?

I'd rather be me.

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Now I have a bit more time, I shall clarify the above.

This started out as a commentary on bullying from a victims point of view. Even today as a grown adult I have been a victim to bullying. Be it actual verbal slurs or just exclusion, gossipy rumour spreading and other forms of mental/emotional bullying. I guess in a way this was more for an adult audience as I have started to feel that these days, children lack the empathy to understand the emotional scars they inflict upon each other. I thought I could make a difference.... but halfway through it i had this realisation.

Why would I want to be friends with these people? How could i possibly want to seek approval from people who actually take pleasure in causing emotional harm to others? Why the hell, at 31, was I still trying to?

I am not perfect. I have faults. I know what they are and everyday I work on changing them. We don't even have to agree. In fact its good that we don't. I love to learn from others and why they have come to a different conclusion than me. For all I know this engrossing need to understand others could well stem from a history of emotional abuse and a desperate desire to fit in. That if I could understand you, I would agree with you and then be more like you, and you would like me, iykwim.

I realised that I am still very much what other people have made me, rather than just me. If I want to be me, I have to start letting go of this, and start accepting that it is okay to be me, and think like me without needing to try and make someone convince me that I should be thinking differently because they do.

Good luck to me.

wanting to change is a big advantage, such a stong weapon you have on your side of the battle.

I wish you all the best with this! and hope you come out the other side, stronger and proud to be the amazing woman you are!!

I've only just seen this thread.

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Why would I want to be friends with these people? How could i possibly want to seek approval from people who actually take pleasure in causing emotional harm to others? Why the hell, at 31, was I still trying to?

I am not perfect. I have faults. I know what they are and everyday I work on changing them. We don't even have to agree. In fact its good that we don't. I love to learn from others and why they have come to a different conclusion than me. For all I know this engrossing need to understand others could well stem from a history of emotional abuse and a desperate desire to fit in. That if I could understand you, I would agree with you and then be more like you, and you would like me, iykwim.

I realised that I am still very much what other people have made me, rather than just me. If I want to be me, I have to start letting go of this, and start accepting that it is okay to be me,
...

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I can very much relate to all of the above.

Some of it is good, you know. Wanting to hear different POVs & understand others is not a bad thing. But maybe the underlying reasons behind it are not so healthy? I don't know. :dunno:

You are talking about the need for someone else to validate your feelings? I'm working on letting go of that. One thing I am trying to do is turn it around... how do i feel when someone else feels differently to me? It's cool, they don't have to think like me. So why should it be any different for me? How would I feel if someone only wanted me to agree with them all the time?
It does give a different perspective on things...

Sorry I havent been around for days. Been busy writing like a mad woman and running around after a sick little baby girl. Can't get this fever to break for love nor money although I am pretty sure it is related to her teething... but sheesh its soooooo hot already! I cant handle holding a little hot water bottle too!

Anyway, That is pretty much it, isnt it Fleur? What was missing from our social childhoods that lead us to still be seeking validation as adults? I read a very interesting blog the other day in regard to this that I feel in a way might help explain this question. One thing he said really struck a chord with me, and I could even elaborate a bit further and add another aspect of harm.

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Where the first ugly outcome of bullying unfolds rather immediately in the form of a wounded self-concept, the second ugly outcome unfolds more slowly over time. Having a wounded self-concept makes it harder for you to believe in yourself, and when you have difficulty believing in yourself, you will tend to have a harder time persevering through difficult situations and challenging circumstances. Deficits in academic performance can easily occur when bullying victims succumb to depression or otherwise become demoralized. They certainly also occur when victims ditch school to avoid bullies. The deficits themselves are not the real issue. The real issue is that if deficits occur for too long or become too pronounced, the affected children can lose out on opportunities for advancement and further study, and ultimately, employment. I've read retrospective studies where people report having left school early so as to avoid continued bullying, and this of course will have altered and limited the job prospects they have available to them as adults.

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While all of that is true, the bolded part is just the start. As if getting a job isn't hard enough, but you also get labeled a 'drop out' and others opinion of you is devalued. Few people seem to be able to recognise that School isn't just school for some people. It's hell.

I know all this information is supposed to make me feel better and realise "well the bully was just a kid too", but it doesn't work that way.

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It would be great if the average person was possessed of unshakable self-confidence, but this just isn't how identity works. Identity is a social process. Other people contribute to it. Particularly when people are young and have not yet survived a few of life's trials, it is difficult for people to know who they are and what they are made of. Much of what passes for identity in the young (and in the older too) is actually a kind of other-confidence, which is to say that many people's self-confidence is continually shored up by those around them telling them in both overt and subtle ways that they are good, worthy people. This is one of the reasons people like to belong to groups – it helps them to feel good about themselves. Bullying teaches people that they are explicitly not part of groups; that they are outcasts and outsiders. It is hard to doubt the reality of being an outcast and an outsider when you have been beaten or otherwise publicly humiliated. It takes an exceptionally confident (or otherwise well-supported) person to not internalize bullies' negative messages and begin bullying yourself by holding yourself to the same standards that bullies are applying to you and finding yourself a failure.

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On another note:-

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New imaging studies are revealing—for the first time—patterns of brain development that extend into the teenage years. Although scientists don't know yet what accounts for the observed changes, they may parallel a pruning process that occurs early in life that appears to follow the principle of "use-it-or-lose-it:" neural connections, or synapses, that get exercised are retained, while those that don't are lost.

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So how am i supposed to fix that? :wall:

I know we are coming from a different background here but hopefully there might be some sense in that lot for you too.

Thank you for the support Teirae and Fluer. It means a lot!

best of luck with this Honey Aspen xoxo

Slipping a bit today. I usually get extremely bitter come xmas anyway. I have always had to be the one to make the effort to spend xmas with anyone. We hosted Xmas last year for DHs family, but they made certain to let us know that they were doing us a favour when in reality we were trying to do them one by not having any of them spending xmas dinner worrying about their stuff with our kids, iykwim. We are hosting for my family this year but I wont see them until then. Even just 2 hours down the road, it still feels like we have to be the ones making the effort.

Just very down on the whole thing today. Going to bury myself in my uni work. Just at least until this passes.

Hugs :hug: Hope you feel better when you arise (from your uni work)