When did you go back to work?

I'm just wondering how long it took you to go back to work (if you were working before you lost your baby?). I started maternity leave and 2 weeks later had an early surprise as Sophie was born at 36 weeks. 5 weeks later we were mourning her death so the time since then has been spent grieving really. I thought to myself I would be "better" in a few months to go back to work but now it is about 4 1/2 months and I still dont feel fully ready. I feel as though I have been very busy grieving and dealing with it, and havent really had a chance to relax really. Relax isnt the right word as there is a new normal these days. I feel like I need a full year to clear my head, but then going back to work towards her birth anniversary date would be hard too because at that time this year, I was starting mat leave. It is hard to think of going back to work as I spent the last 8 months of it pregnant and talking to everyone about it, baby plans etc and it is kind of picking up where left off, only with no baby.

So I'm just wondering what others did, how long you took off and how you found going back to work?

Oh Maisy,

I don't have any advice and can't imagine how hard this is for you and your family but I say don't push yourself, do what is right for you. I'm sure you will know when you're ready. Thinking of you xo

Hi Maisy

I'm back at work as a casual. I work for family though, so it's pretty flexible and I'm not doing any client work, but internal admin stuff. Though saying that, it's still not much and I'm not very productive. I'm in the office now on BB and FB :redface:

A friend of mine in the UK took 9 months off after her baby died and felt ready to go back full-time after that. I've tried going back full-time but I can't handle it yet. I'm thinking of trying again in the new year. It's been difficult financially, but not the end of the world. I think getting back into a routine might help though.

I'm also wanting to make sure I have enough hours to be eligible for paid parental leave next year if we get pregnant again.

I think 6 months would probably be the minimum before feeling ready, but it will be different for different people. Don't push yourself. It's early days yet. Just make sure you have people to catch up with so you're not at home all day on your own.

Im sorry i cant help but i just wanted to send you my love and support! So sorry for your loss!

After the twins died I gave myself a 6 month limit, I knew then in myself that if I didn't do something I would probably stay in the hole of grief/depression forever.. After 6 months I enrolled in a part time course which was only 3 days a week and coped with that quite well.. Everyone is different though, I don't feel I would have been ready before then, and also I didn't have to go back into an environment where I had been pregnant. I am also still non functional around the time of their birthday and anniversary.. I was still studying this year and only went to TAFE when I ABSOLUTELY had to (to hand in assessments) and I didn't go to my vocational placement or work at all..

I'm so sorry for your loss :hug: ,
I guess it really depends on when you yourself are ready, I went into labour with Riley at work and I went back 3 weeks later fulltime. So i really think it is up to you hun, do what ever you feel comfortable with. I know alot of people disapproved of me going back to work fulltime so soon but that is what i felt i needed to do, Although some days were so hard to deal with.
Huge hugs hun :hug:

Maisy - I am so sorry that your precious Sophie died... thinking of you and sending you my love. About work? I went back to work... am just trying to work out when. Amelia died in February, and I was back at work on an informal return to work plan whilst I was still on "maternity leave". I think i started with a day a week and then built up to full time in about 2 months. I desperately wanted to try and fill my days with something other than grief after a while and feel connected to the world at large again. It was tough going back. When Nicholas died in July I was off work for a little while, but I can't remember if I stopped completely until Sophie died or not. After Sophie died in August, I took leave again and returned to work under a formal return to work policy that I negotiated with HR. It was about 2 months before I started again, but it was another 2 before I returned full time. The work I do involves children and families in conflict, so at times returning to work was hard when it felt like other people weren't "appreciating their children the way I thought they should". In time I just worked out aht everyone has their own way and really it's not my place to judge them. Though that can be hard at times.

I suppose the best thing to do is try going back and see how you go. Expect to be overwhelmed and not interested in going back. Expect ot be really tired and teary. I would recommend that you have someone meet you on your first couple of days back just to ease you back in. It felt like an alien world to me. Have some strategies worked out for when it all gets too much - so a person you can trust to go to if you're not coping, and a plan for how you will get home. I know it sounds odd, but after trial and error those things really helped me cope.

The thing about returning to work is for me it was hard but I also needed the sense of establishing myself again in the world and reconnecting to people. It's an environment that you don't have control over either. A lot of my colleagues when I returned to work after Amelia died queued up at my office to welcome me back, to hear my story. They were well meaning, but it was really really hard... telling my story over and over is like reliving it. Especially when well meaning but misguided people said things that just stung or hurt. But then there are the people who are friendly, but don't mention your loss. Sometimes that's ok with me, as it gave me an escape for just a while from my grief, and I could pretend that I was ok and not broken? The hardest thing though was the comments that I didn't expect to hurt.... let me share the one that really blew me away, and it was just one of those every day things. I was chatting to someone ( hard at work hey?) and someone else who was on maternity leave came into the office with their bub. I was ok with that. But it was when they asked me how my bub was and whether I had a little girl or boy that I just lost it. Thing is, not many people knew I was pregnant with Ameila, let alone that she died, and a lot of people got me and a friend mixed up. She had just had her baby, and Amelia was due or just past due ( so it must have been June/July). I can remember thinking "dead. my baby is dead", but looking into her expectant eyes and those of the crowd that had suddenly developed around her baby, I couldn't say that... so I just said "you must have me confused with Liz, she had a baby boy a couple of weeks ago". I left. I then went to lunch and just started to cry. I couldn't stop. So I had to go back to work and then tell my boss I couldn't cope and needed to leave.

There was another time that a more distant collegaue said to me "oh I haven't seen you in ages... have you been off making babies or something?". I said yes, but she died. Man, that poor guy, but he responded really well and was very supportive.

So really it just depends on what feels right for you in your grief journey and also what sort of work you do and whether your work is or will be supportive of your needs. You will be fragile and vulnerable, so will need extra support and care. It's something only you can answer..... but that you're asking is saying to me that you are on the way to being ready to try to go back. If it all falls in a heap, don't worry. Just say you weren't ready and try again in a month or two. But if you go back I would recommend a return to work plan where you gradually go back and where you limit the sorts of duties you have. That way, you can say no, and always refer to the return to work plan as your backup rather than feeling guilty for saying no. Some people will always take advantage of your vulernabilities, so you have to be strong enough to be able to stick up for yourself as well.


Go gently dear one, and thanks for reading my post.