still haven't cried yet

I had my D&C yesterday when I should have been 10 weeks. I felt out of sorts from when we found out baby had lost it's heartbeat but I still just haven't been able to cry. It is sort of 'matter of fact' and numb.
Last time I cried once I was in the waiting area outside the operating theatre but this time even then I didn't cry.
What is wrong with me?
I feel I should cry but I just can't.
After all these losses and D&Cs have I become so cold hearted I don't care anymore? Is it so blase now?
I feel deep down that this was our last pregnancy and no matter what steps we take now I'll never have another one yet even then I don't feel too upset. Maybe a last hope that my instinct is wrong...
Maybe it is just all to much and my mind has blocked it all out and cut off all my emotions.
Anyone else ever felt this way after numerous losses?

Ely - 9wks, D&C
Annabelle - 31 weeks C sec stillborn
Joey - 11w4d D&C
Ethan - 7 wks D&C
Maddy - 9w5d D&C
Max - 10wks D&C
3 losses at 6 wks poor betas
numerous chem pgs.

confused about my emotions
Judy

Im really sorry about you're losses. must be the worst thing in the world....i wish i knew what to say...but just wanted to let you know there are some lovely ladies here

You know, whatever you are or aren't feeling right now, it's not wrong. There is no should.
Maybe one day you'll cry, maybe you won't, it won't mean more or less either way.
This is YOUR journey. Please don't beat yourself up and go gently, ok?

I don't think you are 'cold hearted' Judy. I think maybe it is a coping mechanism? Just do whatever you feel you need to and don't feel bad about it. I'm so sorry you lost another bub. I remember you from the TTC after late loss forum :( Sending you lots of :hug:

i know with my m/c between the boys I had 4 losses before Jack ect @7 weeks, Katy s/b @ 21 weeks, m/c @6 weeks, m/c (d/c) @ 10 weeks..the one between the boys I think I just switched off..I knew if I had started crying I wouldn't have stopped...about a month after we lost the bub something set me off...and I came out of my cloud and was able to grieve for my baby...

HTH!!!

i dont really have the words, just hugs....i think little lara put it beautifully!!! big hugs to you

Oh hun :hug: I think your reaction is perfectly normal. It's only natural that your psyche would go into 'shutdown' mode in the hopes of self preservation. Don't worry about what you SHOULD be doing. There are no shoulds at the moment. I can tell by your post that even though you haven't physically cried, inside you're crying a river.

Don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself to just feel the way you feel and don't measure or judge anything you do or don't do. This is your time to grieve and mourn your loss. However you choose to do that, is perfect and right and nobody can tell you otherwise. I don't think you've become hardened after so many losses, perhaps just very aware of the fragility of life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take the time to do something for yourself, something you find soothing when you're ready. :hug: