Family Day Care dilemma - WWYD?

Hi all,

We have a bit of a dilemma with our FDC situation at the moment, and aren't really sure what to do.

DS (2) has been attending with this family for around a year, and likes to be there. We've noticed over the past six months or so a situation with one of the carers children which seems to be getting worse.

The carer's child is quite hyperactive (I have a sibling with ADHD, so I've seen hyperactive :redface:), and treats the carer pretty badly. The child is also aggressive towards DS, and ropes him in to what I can only call "hysterical" activity that's not reined in.

I can see these aren't really critical issues, just differences in how we parent. The carer is wonderful with DS, but DS has been picking up on these behaviours and bringing them home. He uses aggressive phrases and behaviours towards me that he can only have picked up there.

It was brought into sharp focus after having been at home over Christmas, there was such a change in his behaviour after he got home from FDC last night. DS is already prone to being hyped up etc, and my focus is teaching him how to balance himself - I feel this work is being undone?

I'm really stuck as to what to do, I don't want the carer to feel like I am criticising her parenting, but I felt awful leaving DS there this morning with the bedlam already well under way by the time I left.

Am I over reacting?

Thanks for reading
Tish

I don't think you're overreacting at all hun, if it's not in keeping with the way that you are parenting your son then it's maybe not the best place for him to be? I'd perhaps be looking for something else.

:hug:

No hun. i don't think you are over reacting. can you maybe say something along the lines to her of this is what is happening when DS comes home and are there any kids thats shes caring from that are displaying these behaviours. Let her know what your trying to do at home and ask if she can encourage it there too?

Thats all i can come up with atm...i'll think m ore about it..

i don't think you're over-reacting at all. i'd be considering alternative options if i were you.

I guess it depends on what your options are. Do you have the ability to look and place him in different care? Could this be more trouble than the current situation?

Or do you feel comfortable addressing the situation with the carer? Knowing what you do of her, what do you think the chances of your conversation changing the situation are?

Clearly you are not happy with the current situation. I think if you are going to talk to her you need to phrase it very carefully. I think Sunshine is right in making it about your DS and his behaviours, not about her DS. If you make it about her DS then it will likely go pear shaped. However, Mums are not stupid and she will probably know where he is getting these behaviours from.

Hope it goes well.

Thanks for your replies. We had a bit of a chat this morning and I outlined what he's been doing here, and apparently he's not doing it there at all. She said it's hard when your child treats you badly such and such does this and this to me, and she didn't really make the connection. We will have to talk to the FDC provider about getting someone new, but I feel awful that the carer will feel I'm criticising her parenting. Argh!!

If it just doesn’t feel right for you and your family, find another option. It is very kind of you to think of how your FDC carer will feel, but you can’t worry about upsetting and offending (and I’m sure you won’t anyway), you’ve just gotta do what you’ve gotta do – what’s best for your family, they come first.

Fionaw - this is my worry, I know things could be worse. Hard to know what to do! Getting Mummy guilt that he's there in the first place, not helpful.

I would look into other options too.
You know it's not urgent to move him so you have the luxury of time to find him somewhere you deem suitable, but the fact that it 'could be worse' doesn't make it ok for your ds to be learning these behaviors from hers, and it doesn't sound like her parenting style mirrors your own which is all that really matters.

I would be moving him too, just don't rush into it, the behaviour they learn in care should reflect your own where possible, it makes it so much easier. It doesn't sound like she sees it as a problem.

I am a FDC mum...:p.. and I would move him.

She will treat the FDC kids as her own, so if you dont agree with her parenting, then she is "parenting" your child in a way you dont like.. not cool.

I treat my FDC like a centre, as in set times and rules, but with lots of lea-way (sp?) for their own personalities. Some treat it like play dates, where they arent pulled into line or taught the rules. If her own children dont have any, then she would see really rowdy behaviour as perfectly fine.

The fact that the house was bedlam before you left rings alarm bells to me.. speak to the FDC CDO, and tell her your concerns and to help you find a "suitable" carer.. they get to know the carers pretty well, and should be able to find one that fits you and DS much better... xoxoxo

To be honest, it feels to me like she's given up on trying to pull her own child into line because it's too hard - in any case, I think you've all helped me make up my mind (or confirm what I had in mind). Thanks :) xx