{ADVICE} Telling my parents to step up.

My mum and step father work 3 months on, 1 month off in afghanistan, when they come home, they live on a property near nimbin (so about 3hrs away). in the past, it has always been me that goes down there whilst they're here, so my children can have a relationship with them. don't get me wrong, i'm very close to my mum, and the kids love them, and it's reciprocated, but i'm so jack of it always being me that does the travelling etc, whilst they use our house as a hotel for the night after and before they need to be at the airport.

My father and step-mother, live an hour away on the gold coast, we used to stay there probably 1 weekend, maybe 2 every month, but i'm over my stepmother's nasty little comments about me, so we haven't been since november. my dad got back from his tour in taren kaut for 6 months, at the ned of november and took 3 months long service. he's seen the kids 4 times, for a couple of nights each time. his holidays are nearly up, and that's it. i thought he's make a bit more of an effort, but obviously i'm the only one that does that.

i've gotten to the point with all of them, tht i'm over it. i think i'm going to tell mum today that unless the kids pester me, we wont be coming down, if they want to see us, they know where we are. and i think i'll send dad an email saying much the same thing. do you think i'm being unreasonable??

No I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have the same problems with DH's family. We are always going to them, they never make a special trip to see us. I don't make any effort anymore and neither do they.

:hug: your not being unreasonable at all! my kids only see my dad and step mum at christmas, he might pop in for 5 mins every say 3-5 months, and we may see him at the ocasionaly family function my step mum cant talk her way out of.
it isnt hard for them to put effort in, just be prepared if nothing comes from it other then you not having to stress about running arround.

thanks ladies! i have a great relationship with all of them, except my stepmother, so i don't want to not see them, and their relationships with the kids is really beautiful. i'm just sick of it always being me doing the travelling..

Would they come to your place if you invited them?

My folks are pretty caught up in themselves - sounds awful but they have just moved past the small kid stuff so really don't get the inconvenience, difficulties etc especially when it comes to catching up. They are retired and still don't come to us. We have to go to them also - I decided that I could make a fuss but really nothing would change. I don't think they mean it either rather they just don't get it. We have tried to be more forth coming with more formal invites - so come for coffee/lunch etc on x date so they commit or not rather than a vague you know where we are, ITMS??? It has worked much better for us since then. Good luck!

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Would they come to your place if you invited them?

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only if it suited, they all think it's easier to go to theirs (yeah, with 2 toddlers..). i get especially shirty with mum, she's only here 1 month out of 4, so you'd think she'd make more of an effort, but she wants everyone to go down to her property - which we love doing, it's incredible. but not the point.
dad's a bit of a pita, he's a peter pan, never grew up, and doesn't get the issues that happen between myself and SM, he just wants to stickhis head in the sand.

At least I'm not the only one!! Inlaws are around the corner from us and never make an effort.

FIL even came out and said he doesn't want any more grandchildren (there's 4, hubby's sis has 2, we have 1 and hubby has one from before that they dont get to see - whole other issue). Hubby said oh but we want another one, fil gave him a dirty look.

Only thing is if we say anything it comes back to bite us and were selfish

well, that turned out ust friggin great - massive argument, everything i've ever done thrwn in my face. don't know why i bothered, as close as we are, mum and i fight all the time, and god-forbid we should have had an adult conversation about this.

:hug: That sucks. Dh's parents are the same,but they live 5 mins down the road! Every now and them they realise they haven't seen us for a while and they call dh (never me!!) and ask for us to come visit! We are too far out according to them.. 5 mins into the 'bush' yet they dont mind driving 30 mins to visit bil & sil who live closer to the city!

Try not to worry too much about them. It's their problem, not yours :hug:

boobaloo im so sorry for you to go through this its not fair when your the one dragging the kids away to them all the time, i understand they might want to get out BUT i think its fair that you all take it in turns to visit so NO your not being unreasonable at all

i go through the same thing, not so much with my mum but my dad works 6wks in PNG and 2 weeks here he lives in QLD i have 2 young children and he exspects me to drive to see him all the time ive stepped up and told him i aint dragging the kids to him all the time, well my oldest son is almost 3 and he has seen my dad all of 4 times, PLUS my dads girlfriend is nasty to me too and doesnt really want us in his life although she tries to make out to him she does so as far as im concerned now if he wants to know me and his 2 grandsons he will make the effort!!

Good on you for going to stand your ground, they might be your parents but your a mum yourself now and they should understand your situation on not wanting to drive to them all the time
:hug: hun i reallly feel for you its difficult because thay are your parents :hug:

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No I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have the same problems with DH's family. We are always going to them, they never make a special trip to see us. I don't make any effort anymore and neither do they.

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this was my DF's dad too (he hasnt spoken to his mum for over 3yrs) but his dad would NEVER come to us and i chucked a tanty over it cause i just had DS1 and they wanted me to travel with him 45mins- an hour just so they could see him, i never gave in and then we moved 4hrs away and they instantly wanted to come visit (just so their kids can see a farm) and i said no u couldnt make the effort before so why now....8 months after DS was born they separated his step mum use to ring but eventually gave, havent heard from her for over a yr now and his dad even longer neither of them know we have a 2nd bub or that we are engaged

its all there loss, not ours!!

Oh hun :hug: Sorry that your conversation didn't turn out how you wanted. Maybe it at least will make your Mum think about things.

I hear you. If I listen to my Mum moan one more time about how she NEVER sees DD then I am going to crack it. She lives 2 hours drive away and is here probably 3 times a month but it is always to get the car serviced or go shopping etc and can only see DD if it is convenient for her. But then turns around and moans because I don't have time to give up whole weekends every month to visit her.

thanks lovelies xoxo will write back later, xavi's asleep on my arm...

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So know your pain. We are the ones here who make the effort to make sure everyone in the family knows the girls. None of the grandparents make an effort to see them, and DH's parents only live round the corner. MIL just had three days off in a row, not once did she call and want to do anything with the girls, but everyday she drove straight past our house! We did see her yesterday, why? Because we called and asked if she wanted to catch up for a coffee.
The girls only uncle refuses to have a relationship with them unless it on his terms, my mum is the same.

This year it is my goal to cut back on the pushing for them to see the girls. IMO their grandchildren and nieces should be important enough to make an effort for. And if they cannot be bothered making the effort then they all are going to miss out.

Im so sorry that your conversation didnt go the way you wanted. But I really do hope that everything sorts its self out for you.

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