is this the end ... ?

so, when J-man was brand new, I had oodles of milk and was able to pump and store and bf to my little man's heart's content ...

I went back to full time work when he was 9 weeks old, and kept bf, and expressing during the day, and also after J man is in bed at night.

pumping is much fun, but I got good at the stimulation and the pumping, and would get great results - would bf and then pump after feeds to get anything up to 200ml *after* feeding J-man ... and for the pumps when he wasn't around (either in bed or at work) I'd look at pictures of him and go for it, and would get betwen 240 and 350mls a pump ... woot!

when I found out I definately needed corrective post birth surgery, my milk dropped immediately ... I was so incredibly upset, and I went from pumping anything up to 350mls per pump to drop down to 180 ... 120 ... 140 ... etc :(

I tried fennel tea, fenugreek tea and capsules, loads of water, extra sneaky feeds, blah blah blah ...

lots of skin to skin and boobie-ful time when at home ...

but no bone - J man was exclusively a boobie boy until almost 6 months, but has since supplemented with formula, and there's been a really unplesant cycle of guilt and stress and supply dropping ...

to the point that now I can pump for an hour, and only get 60mls, which is just heartbreaking ...

DS feeds four times a day - boobie with a formula top up twice a day, and a formula or EBM feed twice a day too, as well as some soilids.

It's getting to the point where I'm wondering how much benefit J man gets from the little bit of EBM I can get to him, compared to the amount of stress and guilt it causes me ...

tough question!! and plenty, *plenty* more roon for more guilt - even for asking the question!!

and unfortunately, DH doesn't know what to say or do, which makes me feel even worse ...

I think I just need some reasurance, and to be permitted to let myself off the hook so to speak, and to hear that I'm not going to ruin DS's development and future possibilities if I stop expressing, and just concentrating on tbeing the best (no longer BF) mumma I can be now.

Peanutter, be kind to yourself. You have persevered and put a huge amount of love and effort into it, that's all anyone can do.

It sounds like the thing you're finding really hard is the pumping, it sounds like it's become a counter-productive force in your life. That's not to say you have to give breastfeeding away completely, though. If you want to persevere, there are still plenty of things you can do to boost supply, that don't involve pumping. Older babies often continue breastfeeding for a long time on only 1 or 2 feeds a day. You haven't mentioned whether you feed overnight. Prolactin (which stimulates breast milk production) occurs at much higher levels at night so overnight feeds stimulate production more than daytime feeds, so think about getting him up for a feed around midnight. Also make sure you have a big drink before you sit down to feed and always offer more boobie, even if it's not long after a feed, or as little snacks here and there during the time you spend together. Don't forget you have the resources of the ABA available, so a call to the breastfeeding helpline or your local counsellor may be helpful too. :hug:

Just agreeing with everything Marydean has said. Don't be so hard on yourself hun :hug:

ps - This is the first time I've noticed your avi, very very nice! xo

Hon, I hear you. It is so hard to find that acceptance within yourself for choices that need to be made isn't it. I have no magic answers for you but I will say this - you have done the most unbelievably awesome job. Women who BF are champions, absolute freaking champions however many of them express for convenience and at most only once or twice a day. You have been both an expressing machine and a BFing champion. It's a double full time job, plus the other one you actually have. I think you are amazing and you have been a wonderful inspiration to me. Xx

thanks so much, lovelies ... you're all so kind and understanding :cry:

MD - J man sleeps right through, so we don't do a feed overnight. I've tried it a few times, to get the benefit of the additional prolactin, but it just results in him being a lot less settled, which isn't a good result ...

I still plan on bf morning and night, but think that I will stop pumping at night, and over time, will stop pumping while at work as well, and just be grateful for what bfing we've been able to do until now (and hopefully will be able to continue to do). Hopefully my supply won't dry up once I stop expressing as well, because I'd really like to keep bf him at least once or twice a day until he's 1 or even 2 ...

we're trying for bubba #2, but there seem to be plenty of mums who tandem :)