feel like such a failure to quit breastfeeding :(

This is more just a "get it off my chest" post than anything else.

I am a first time mum. After what was such an amazing birth experience (natural,drugfree (gives pat on the back)), i assumed breastfeeding would also work for me.
my baby was born very sleepy and would not wake up enough to attach to the breast. so for the 3 days that i spent in hospital, i was expressing and syringe/cup feeding him.i really feel like i missed out on the one on one help from the midwives with attaching correctly. When he was 1 week old, i unfortunately woke up in the middle of the night in excrutiating pain and a crazy high fever...mastitis had reared its ugly head.

1 week of antibiotics. mastitis is still there.
i was then admitted back to maternity with baby to have antibiotics through a drip for 2 days. i had to express out of the "bad" boob constantly cos it was that blocked,bub couldnt get anything out. so he was only able to feed of good boob. i left hospital with another course of oral antibiotics, and extremely damaged nipples.

every feed, i was in the worst pain of my life. my partner had to physically hold me down while i bawled my eyes out. the midwives that came out to my house frequently checked to make sure he was attaching properly which he was by then. but my nipples were just too sore.

at 3 weeks old, we made the decision to FF. i had no idea how much it would affect me. i feel terrible that i couldnt persist and get through the pain. i have absolutely nothing against FFing,as i am a FFing mum now.

but the deciding factor was that i needed to be happy when my baby wakes up, and its time to start enjoying being a mum.

and a BIG massive pat on your back for doing what is going to make you a happy mum! Happy mum = Happy Baby!

I too had to make that decision with DD1 for pretty much the same reasons! and let me tell you i felt so guilty and beat myself up big time about it! But in the end my gosh was i alot more relaxed and enjoyed my baby more! and DD1 was than also a much happier baby! DH also benifited and got to do some feeding!

There is ABSOLUTLY nothing wrong with Formula Feeding what so ever and dont let any one ever make you think there is!
Sure breast has some extra benifits, but im a firm believer that baby is no worse off if on formula!

Your a great mummy for making a decisions that is going to better you and bub! Definatly NOT a failure! and hey next time round you may be successful at breastfeeding! I was :)

Hugs, you really have been through an ordeal of pain and frustrations. I understand the pain you are talking about and i know how hard it can be. I too have expereinced mastitis (not as severe as you though), the sore nipples and cringing everytime my little one attached. When i think about breastfeeding yes it is a wonderful thing but my goodness it's difficult to establish and the first few months of it can be one of the hardest things to get through.

It sounds like you tried extremely hard when dealing with a newborn, illness, sleep deprivation and the beginnings of breastfeeding. Unfortunately you got everything thrown at you at once there. Be proud of yourself for making it through those difficult times the best you knew how and for the sacrifices you made to help your little one. Motherhood is full of challenges and we get through them the best we can, there is no failing as each situation is different.

I have sucessfully breastfed my children but not with out a lot of struggle also. All i can suggest for next time (if you want a next time :D) is that you read up, source support prior to bub arriving and just give it your best once again.

Like you said the main thing now is to be a happy mummy and have a happy baby, enjoy your little man and the the wonderful times that he will bring to you. I wish you all the very best for the years ahead i'm sure you will be a wonderful mother :hug:

:clap: what an amazing mummy you are! look all you've done and gone through to try and feed your bub with booby milk. But the universe has different plans for you two, so you are doing what you must. It's neither right nor wrong, it's what is to be and you are doing a great job.

One of the most valuable lessons i've learnt in the past 14 months since my DS was born is to give myself a break, drop the guilt, don't put so many expectations on myself.

I know that guilt. I had it when i had to stop BF at 7 months... but after seeing my baby continue to thrive and really not be any worse off i realised I was the only one giving myself a hard time and I deserved to be kinder to myself.

so what i'm saying is yes, enjoy being a mummy - there's so much joy to be had! And remember you would never hurt or harm your child and you will always do what is best for your son - so no point judging or questioning yourself... you will ALWAYS make the right choice for you and your child cos you are a great mummy.

hope that helps ease those darn mummy guilts!!! ox

:hug: I know how you feel, I've been in almost the exact same situation as yourself, and made the decision to FF. It's important to remember that have NOT failed - you have made the best decision for the well-being of yourself, and in turn, your baby. Like you said, happy mummy = happy baby. I would dread the moments when my DS would wake hungry, and as soon as we switched to FF, the relief was instant and I could then actually ENJOY everything about my new little bundle!
As EJ has suggested, 'next time' I will be better informed, have more support, ask for help far sooner than I did this time! And if we end up FF again, I won't be as disappointed in myself, because I know I have done everything I possibly could..

So try to relax, be at peace with your decision, and bask in the joy of little son :)

You are doing what is best for you and baby. I had mastitis 3 times in 6 weeks with DD1 so she was FF from 7 weeks Id had enough. DD2 was a dream and I got to 9 months with no problems so whats best for one bub might not be for your next if you go back

Big hugs hun. You have so well to hang in there. BF is not an easy task for alot of us.
I have never been able to exclusively BF. Spending hours expressing and cleaning bottles for formula. The main thing is that you and baby are happy and comfortable and baby is fed. Formula is not a cop out. I congratulate you on the strength it takes to make the decision on what is right for your family!

hugs hun.

If you change your mind, it's not too late to go see a Lactation Consultant. The pain fades in time, and there are things that can help like shields.

It would have killed me if I couldn't feed my babies, so I can imagine how sad you feel about it :(

Huge hugs. The first few weeks are so hard and getting the right advice and support is crucial.

You're absolutely not a failure - you're doing the best you can for you and your precious bundle.

:hug:

You're in no way a failure.
Breastfeeding isn't easy. It's a damn hard skill to learn. For three weeks, every feed I thought to myself, "If I'm still doing this tomorrow, it will be an outstanding thing". It was horrific. Then all of a sudden, that 'tomorrow' came & it didn't hurt. It was weird - the pain didn't taper away, it just vanished. I have no explaination for it at all.

Like MissyMoo says: you CAN go back if you want. It's definitely not easy, but you can! express a little each day (multiple times if you can) & you'll keep your BBs working. When the mastitis has gone & your nipples have healed, you can give it another crack (hopefullly not in the nipple, eh?).

Now cuddle that bundle of yours & know that everyday, you are doing the very best you can. That's all your baby will ever ask (and they're pretty forgiving too. :D )

Hugs hun.

I also ended up in hospital with mastitis for IV antibiotics. I have had mastitis 4 times now. I ended up expressing full time and am just finishing up this week at 11 months - I can really relate to the excruciating pain with breastfeeding, and dreading your baby waking up. So we've had a similar experience. Feeding when you're super-sick with mastitis is worse than labour!

You know what? I totally, 100% support your decision. If I had known ahead of time what I was going to go through, I don't think I could have gotten through - for me it was the hope that things might get better that kept me going. But it really almost did my head in and was not good for my sanity! So you certainly haven't taken the easy option - you know that you're doing what's best for your family. And you're not a failure at all - you've given it your best, and that is all anyone can ask of you.

Enjoy your lovely little baby. xo

mummaj, I've had difficulties BFing both my girls and got myself into a complete state the first time and a near-complete state the second :) (despite vowing I wouldn't).

I will share what a very wise woman from the Australian Breastfeeding Association told me. THE most important thing is not how you feed your baby but the bond between you and the baby. For some of us for whom BFing is a trial, BFing actually harms that bond rather than strengthens it. It really is no good at all to be dreading each feed and getting stressed out. I know, I've been there.

Having said all that, let me also share a bit of my experience (it's a whole saga so I will just cut to the chase). With DD2, I stopped trying to BF at 3 weeks because I simply could not get her to attach. I gave up for SIX WHOLE WEEKS and went totally to formula. I didn't express once and didn't BF once. Then on the spur of the moment, I tried to attach her again - I think it was my instinct kicking in and telling me that now it would work. It was easy. Really easy. Unfortunately after six weeks, obviously my milk had dried up so I had to relactate from scratch by taking Motilium and putting in a lot of hard work expressing.

So what I'm trying to say to you is that I completely and totally understand why you are FFing and I am not trying to sway you because I know what a confusing time it is BUT if you would like to try again, it is never too late.

Hun, you aren't a failure by any means, in fact, you are a star! You should be so very proud of your efforts, you must have gone through hell and back for your little one.
Pat yourself on the back hun!

wow, thank you all so much for your support. it is all very encouraging. im definitely starting to understand that i made the right choice, and the guilt is starting to fade away.
i kick myself everyday that i didnt research enough about breastfeeding, like i did with labour/birth which went so perfectly. i will definitely know so much more next time round and hopefully it will work for me. :) who knows, i may even try to pick it up again in a few weeks, when i don't feel so fragile.

I too struggled feeding my first baby, it was 6 weeks of hell.
Bleeding cracked non existant nipples, me crying hysterically when he woke up let alone when I tried to attach him. :shakehead: and eventually a hospital stay and antibiotics due to mastitis in both breasts!
Even then I still struggled with putting him onto formula because it was drummed into me "breast is best"

But I put him on formula and the fog lifted for both of us, and my motherhood journey became so much easier than what I had been doing to us.

With my 2nd son I was more relaxed, I knew what to expect and there was no way I was going to put that pressure on myself again to breastfeed and it worked. We both took to breastfeeding like a dream. :clap:
I have managed to feed the other two boys to varying ages and am still feeding Lady P now who is one in a few weeks.

It didnt work this time but hey it may be a piece of cake next time.
My formula feed baby is now a 6ft lanky hairy lipped teenager who obviously didnt suffer cause his Mum could breastfeed him :D
You are doing a great job, and recognising that breastfeeding wasnt working for you is to be applauded not made feel guilty for.

Congratulations on your little baby! Sorry to hear you had such a rough start - mastitis is truly awful.
Not breastfeeding doesn't make you less of a mother - but I can totally understand why you would feel disappointed. Sounds like maybe you're open to the idea of trying again...? Sometimes it can work that way - you take a break, heal and rest up and then things work better for you.
Maybe when you have a moment and are in the right head space, give the ABA a call - you could go along to your local group meeting and talk with a counsellor. Getting on to a good LC is also a great idea if you decide to give it another go.
All the best to you and your family