Do I or dont I....TTC that is.....
**Warning this may be long and confusing while I try to get my thoughts out - sorry**
So DS will be 2 in just over a month, and lately I have been thinking more and more about another bubba. DH & I always hoped to have 2 kids (atleast) and I was keen to not have a really big age gap, so Ive been bringing the topic up with DH abit and well it goes like this :wall:
I get the knee-jerk reactions of we cant afford it, we dont have room, lets wait til DS is more independant (ie out of nappies). My counters are he didnt think we could afford DS1 when I stopped working fulltime, we arent rich by any means but we get by and make it work and we would make it work with another one too. We rent a 3 bedroom house...yea its on the small side, but the new bubba would be in our room for awhile, then they could share with DS1 or we sacrifice the guest room (seriously the guest bed has only been used as storage space for atleast the last 8 - 10 months!!) So then I get NO we NEED a guest room and DS's room isnt big enough for two beds.....hello bunk beds :duh: and as for the nappies.....I change most of them so if Im happy to do double nappies whats the problem??!!
His next reason to wait I struggle more to argue with.... my MIL passed away late last year and her estate, will etc plus afew other family issues surrounding her passing are causing alot of stress, drama, fighting etc among the family. So DH says we should wait til all this is sorted and the family is talking again before we start trying....well dont get me wrong I miss my MIL, loved her dearly (she pretty much was my mum too) but I dont see this EVER being over.....yea the house will sell, the estate will finalise eventually....but deep down I see so much damage to relationships that I dont beleive the family will be the same again (I hope and pray I am wrong but so many hurtful things were said etc) It is harsh to say at some point I feel we have to stop putting our life on hold and "get on with it" at such???
Then when DH is away and DS is having a tanty filled day or really sick or whatever, I sit here thinking....am I an idiot, how could I possibly deal with this AND a newborn..... or deal with this times two!!! And I would have to return to work (2 days per week) once the 18 weeks govt leave is over......could I possibly put my 18 week old baby in daycare???? Then I feel bad for that baby cos DS1 had mummy at home fulltime til he was 10 months...and then I go round and round in circles could we really afford it, is the house really big enough, am I capable of mummying two kids!!! And I think of the breastfeeding dramas I had with DS and my disconnection from him, could I try doing that again, would I feel forever guilty going straight to formula!!! Argh :wall:
Wow, I dunno, reading all that back, it doesnt seem as massive as it did in my head!! Ugh its a tough call....and this is something I would normally call my MIL about....so feeling kinda empty to not have that option.....
So thats the end of my rant.....and Im not sure if I am here asking advice or just venting or whatever...if you have any comments or pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them thats for sure :)
PS....anyone I have on FB...please dont mention any of this on there.....all the above mentioned family are on my friends list :shhh:
