So where do we fit into it?

Hi ladies,
Ok so my SIL has recently split up from her partner of 5 years. My husband was told by his mother just a couple of days ago as the sister is in the state at the moment. Her and the partner split briefly just after my husband and I got married 3 years ago. After they were told we were expecting our first child they got back together. We weren't allowed to tell her (instruction from MIL) that we were pregnant sooner because it would upset her too much because she wanted a baby before us. Within 2 weeks she was in the state again telling us how madly in love they were and how there would be an engagement announcement by the end of the year. I must say as a female I always say through this "happy happy joy joy"facade and it was really obvious it was all talk and all her. On the very very rare occasion he came he it was sad how distant he was to her. Anyway cut a long story short they chose to have a baby and he was born last April, they announced their engagement 2 weeks before announcing they were 8 week pregnant. My husband was happy with this that she was settling down as she has always been a little wayward.
Now, before the little baby has even had his first birthday she and the partner are splitting up.
Here si my dilemma, her and I are not close. Not by the furthest stetch of the imagination would you even consider us friends. So I do refer to her son as my husbands nephew, not mine. My husband I must say in theory takes his role as uncle quite seriously when we talk about it. He now has this sense of responsibility he feels to this child that if they move back to the state he will need some proper guidence because his sister is so unstable. I very gently explained that as beautiful that it is that he wants to help his nephew, he already has a father irrecpective of his geographical locale to them he still has a father and a loving one at that. Also he cannot question his sisters parenting (as she has done ours) despite us thinking she's a couple of sandwiches short. Thats not his place.

In my selfish world I don't think it would be good for our marriage if my husband was off being part time father to his sister son when I am left at home with our girls. Not that I don't think he has enough love to share around however I'm just not comfortable with it.
I know the sister would love for DH to have a heap to do with her son, however on his own, or just with our eldest. Our eldest looks like there family so there seems to be a clear obsession on that front, whereas our youngest is less like my husband and more like my family and the care factor on her could not be any lower.
I mean we are dealing with a very strange and mixed up family here but I cannot help but worry about the repercussions on her time spent with my husband and what she wants from him.

Thanks girls

X

If I were in that position I would consider it my nephew too, not just my hubbys. I think regardless of your SILs unusual ways and your differences, if you have the opportunity to make a positive impact in your nephews life then I think you should take that opportunity. I can see how if just your hubby was involved it could cause dramas but if you are all involved you are more able to protect your family unit at the same time. I feel sad for the little boy.

Like you've already said, your family needs to come first, but it would be good if it possible to do both.

I agree with your point JM, however unfortunately its actually my husbands family that made it clear it was my husbands nephew....

X

Can you (or your dh) tell them that you as a family see him as 'your' nephew and cousin, and you'd like to have a relationship with him as a family? It must be hard with his family being like that. Kind of sounds like they are trying to come between the two of you?!

Gee you are in a tough situation. I here you on family not liking a child because they don't look like one of their own. My eldest is very much like his father, however my next boy is basically my side of the family. My In Laws adore my eldest son but I feel like my next boy just gets left out all the time. Unfortunately my 3rd son is even more of a spitting image of his father so he now gets all the attention.

I don't think you are being selfish in asking for you husband to make your family his priority. I know my SIL (on DH side) has married a man who is selfish and puts himself first and they are about to have their 3rd child. And I tell you what it isn't up to my DH to fill the void that those children's own father doesn't. That being said we certainly love them but they are not our responsilbility. And my SIL is also very vague and self centred, parenting to her is just about the funny things kids do/say not actually trying to teach them correctly.

I think your in laws are so very very wrong in pointing out it is DH nephew, you are his wife. (must say though I think I will feel a bit differently to my own brothers children when they have them to my DH's) I think maybe you could foster something where by your nephew comes to your house and plays with your children etc, I don't see any reason why your DH should be off with the nephew on his own, I feel that is just wrong.

Hope that makes sense

How they define your relationship with your nephew doesn't have to be how you define it. If your DH wants to give your nephew support as he grows up, it doesn't neccessarily have to mean it will take away anything from you and your kids. Kinda like when you have one child, you wonder how you will ever love another child as much, but parents do and it doesn't take away from the love you have for your first child or partner.

What a tough situation. Xoxox. I have no advice just wanted to offer you a hug, families are complicated groups!


Love MN ;-)

My husbands family have no respect let alone understanding of our marriage. My SIL could never understand why we always did everything in unison and why we were so close. The cousin and the sister have both expressed to my husband that they will be very happy if and when we finally split up. Yeah real charmers they are.

I have tried to accept the little boy as my own nephew and treat him as I would any of my cousins or good friends babies however the dagger stares i get when I even pick him up are just not worth the hassel. I would not want someone holding or grabbing my babies if I wasn't ok with it to which she clearly isn't.
She and MIL came here one night to dinner, the first time we met him, he was 6 and a half months old and screamed the house down when she went to put him to bed. I am a parent not a nitwit and I completely understand that when a baby is in a new environment he is not always going to settle. He was in a stange house in a dark strange room being told to go to sleep. He was probably hungry because he wouldn't feed form her either. After about an hour of screaming i toldh er to come out and have somethign to eat and I would give it a go to get him to sleep. She would not have it, I was not allowed near that baby to get him to sleep. My husband said Öh she's pretty good with sleep, our babies sleep and have front a young age". She wouldn't not have me try. Instead she put him in the pram and pushed him around the backyard just to get him quiet. My MIL then explained to me (after far too many oyster bays) "she just is very upset he isn't steeling considering this is the first time you've met him so she wanted him to be a perfect baby in front of you and he never does this". I really was sad thats all they took us for.

X