For those with more than one child...

Did you know you were ready to have a second child? Like did it hit you like a tonne of bricks? Did you just decide to ttc again and it happened?

I have an almost one year old DD whom is the absolute light of my life. We always said we would ttc again when she was around 12 months (took us 11 months to get pregnant last time due to annovulation) but now that time is fast approaching, I don't know if I'm ready. I know for a fact I want more kids, 3 ideally, but I am so scared of going through the newborn stage again. I finally feel like DD has a bit of independence, which is lovely, and she is full of character and charm, our days really are generally filled with love and laughter!

I'm also scared of ruining my relationship with her. Irrational, I know, but I devote so much love and energy into her, it feels cruel to introduce another baby to take some of that time away!
But, by waiting a while before ttc, I'm worried that as DD gets older, I am less likely to want to go through the difficult newborn stage again.

I think my main fear stems from having a chronic non-sleeper for the first 9 months of her life. Whilst she is now a wonderful sleeper, 12 hours at night and usually one 2 hour day sleep, the torture of the sleep deprivation is very close to mind.

Any stories, advice, encouragement?

I had mine 18 months apart - and whilst I love, love, love how great they are together already now and how close they're going to be growing up together, it was so tough having them close together, as in, there was literally never an opportunity to sleep in or nap through the day for me. To be honest I was a little deluded as to the difference between one and two kids, so I'm calling it as it is for you, it's so rewarding, and great for the kids and if they're close in age it's easier on the jealousy side of things but in my experience it has been really draining and whilst I'd like a third, I'll be waiting till DD2 is at least 3 if DH comes around ;). Your DD will adjust whatever age she is whether you feel ready tomorrow or in 2 years or more, remember, a sibling is a wonderful gift, even if they take some time away from them it's worth it and you just make more room in your heart. My 2nd was a lot easier than my first thankfully, so you never know, you might have an awesome sleeper next time!

Ya know, there exists a group called something like Society for Protection of Children that advocates a minimum age gap (I think it's 3 years), for the benefit of the child. I kinda know where they're coming from. I wanted a big age gap, in the end, because I came to learn about child development and all the developing children do in that time is so intense and more changes occur than occur in any other similar period of time in the life span. It is considered fair to be as present as possible for that stage, and once the child reaches about 3 then you have a bit more headspace for the next child, with the first child, theoretically, being more self-sustaining to allow the next child similar headspace.
I tend to concur, because even with a very active 4.5 yo, he DOES understand that his little sister needs me more than he does, even if he doesn't like that fact. I DO talk to him about how much of me he had as a baby and he gets that she needs me, too.
Before being pg the first time I thought I wanted about 6 kids. I'm 35 and two children are killing me! After DS was born I heavily revised my thinking and decided that age gap was more important than quantity. For my own sanity as well as their emotional wellbeing. So this society's thinking really resonated when I heard about it.
DP wanted me to be pg a lot sooner than I was, and really, it was a moot point because I didn't even ovulate till DS was 2.5yo! When I fell pg, I freaked out a bit because I was jealous for my relationship with DS.
And now? I love them both to bits and pieces :)

For me their is 20 months between dd1 and dd2, and 18 months between dd2 and ds. It took a little while to get into a routine with two. I think it was about 5 weeks before I went out on my own with two. But we got the hang of it eventually. The girls have the same routines and both go to bed at 7.30 which makes it easier.

Going to three has been the biggest adjustment, but I was out on my own within a week this time.

We find it hard to get out and about with just two adults to big events as it's hard to give all three attention. It's getting easier 6 months on but it was exhausting in the beginning.

We planned dd2 to be so close but we wanted to wait another year with Ds but he was already on his way.

I love going out with dd1 and Ds with the 3 year age gap, it's so much easier as she can walk beside the pram and is able to get herself in and out of the car.

But then they all play together and giggle and I know it's worth it.

i have a 19 month age gap between my ds's my patner asked when ds1 was 2 weeks old if we could have another, i told him we will think about it when he was one, on his first birthday i was a month utd with ds2, the age gap between the boys is great, we were realy happy with the 2, i think the fact that ds1 is and always has been a easy going child, nothing realy 'fazes' him, made it realy easy.
however, i now have a 13 month gap with my daughters, and it has been realy difficult as dd1 is still a baby herself and is extramly dependant, and 'clingy' she is slowly becoming better with dd2, but has quiet a few moments of screaming tantys if myself or df have dd2, and she suddenly decides that she wants us instead.
i think it depends on your little one and her 'outlook' so to speak. it dose get easier as time gose on, kids are prety resiliant and usualy adjust well to changed situations.
what ever your decission you make, it is your decission. i hope you find the answer thats right for you.

I have 22mths between each #1 and #2 and #3, there will be a slightly bigger gap with #4 (26mths) due mainly to physical and mental reasons.

It is hard physically when they are young, and you are dealing with a new baby. But the 'new baby' becomes the easy part, because you have been through that before - it is the new ages and stages that test you. I wouldn't trade it for the world, because they do all paly so well together and learn so much from each other that they simply can not learn on their own. The funny thing is that just before I found out about #2 (a real oppsy baby), DH and I had just decided to have a BIG (10yr) gap between the first and the second). I guess God had other ideas.

There really is no right or wrong answer to any of this. Your fears and anxieties are normal, and based on some truths, but the other truths about the positives are also real.

My two are 15.5 months apart. Dd was a total surprise pg.
I don't want to scare you off having a second because everyone copes differently. I found it incredibly hard though, I'm only just now beginning to them start playing properly together sometimes. My ds still gets very frustrated, but slowly it's getting better.
The part I found so hard was never having a second to myself. One if them needing me every second of the day. That's what kids do though!

Saying that though, my two are much closer in age than your two would be. When I had dd, ds was still basically a baby. I imagine if I had had my second later or now it would have been a little easier. Ds would have least been able to understand that a baby was coming etc and have been able to be more involved when dd was little.
Good luck.xx

Eta- totally agree with misty, the baby becomes the easier one! Also, my ds isn't a very easy going boy, he's quite sensitive and I think that also made it harder for me.

I have 18 months between my DD's. I knew when DD1 was 6months old that I wanted to start trying for #2. It took us 5 cycles to get a BFP. DD1 is a very easy going girl. Takes everything in her stride. DD2 is now 4 months old and I still have not had any issues of jealousy from DD1. She loves her sister to pieces. She understands when I have DD2 that she has to wait. I just make sure that DD1still gets lots of attention when I can.

As for worrying about loving another child. For me I worried abit at about 20wks pregnant about this. but I soon realised that you don't take any love away from anyone, you just find more love.

This is exactly what I was asking, thank you ladies.

It is very interesting about the 3 year ideal age gap, makes a lot of sense and covers exactly what my concerns are.

Money wise, it will never be good timing I don't think.

Age wise, I will be 30 later this year and would like to have all my children by 35.

If we wait until June, then the earliest we would be due will be February, meaning a 22 month age gap. Perhaps we won't make plans and just reassess is a couple of months time.

Ladies did you feel you lost your relationship with your first child once the second one arrived?

Did you find having your second child easier, as you knew what you were doing/more laid back etc??

Second was definitely easier for me. I just didn't stress over the small stuff. You sort if just know it will be ok itms.

Relationship wise, to be honest, it does suffer slightly. Just because there is less time to spend together. A lot of the time we are just so tired. But, we do make time to go out for breakfast or dinner every so often and that helps. We also have a lot of family time on the weekend. Just going for walks etc so that we can talk. As long as you have a strong relationship and communicate well, you'll be ok. It's not hard forever. Xx

i have just under a 3yr age gap and honestly it has its good and bad bits

my DS1 is very not jealous but is very whingy, doesnt like me feeding DS2 and just in general hates how much attention i have to pay on DS1, if i have spent ALL morning with DS1 and then need to attend to DS2 he gets very cranky and screams and he didnt completely understand a new baby was coming but we just try and encourage him with his brother ALOT and do alot more 'grown up' things with DS1

I found it much much much easier the second time around as you are not as jumpy/worried as the first time you are much more relaxed

im wanting number 3 and wanting abit smaller of a age gap

My relationship has actually gotten stronger with each child. But my DH is VERY involved in childrearing and also does most of the housework. During each pregnancy, I have had many physical issues to deal with, which could have broken a relationship, but in our case DH stepped up to the plate and became even more supportive. So like anything, I think it really depends on the individuals in the relationship and how you both deal with it.

Each child has gotten progressively easier though, in terms of managing the individual ages and stages, It is the oldest child I constantly struggle with, because everything from her is new, I have never handled it before. The biggests adjustment is that any 'freedom' you may have had left with one child, completely dissappear with two (and the same when you go from two to three). In fact, you may not realise how much freedom you have with just one child, until you find you can no longer do those things anymore. Things like take them to the pool on your own, even going to the shop can be three times as much effort with one extra child. You get used to it, and your ability to cope with things becomes amazing; but you have to catch yourself, because it is easy to become resentful of others who only have one child and don't realise how much easier it is.

The older they grow though, the better it can be to have a small age gap. They are interested in the same things, they can play and occupy and learn from each other. They learn things you don't even think about teaching them (ie, sharing is second nature to them - toys, food, clothing, books, my time - yes they still bicker and argue, but they have no problem inter-relating to other children and fit in seemlessly; where as children without close siblings do learn about sharing, but it is different and to a different degree and it can be a hard learning curve for some. We do experience sibling rivalry, but they don't ever question each others existance in the family, just a bit of rivalry over who can monopolise mum and dad's time - they all learn that the baby gets first dibs, because they need more help, and they all like to help each other - DD and DS1 love to 'baby' the youngest, feeding him and pretending to be his 'mummy' or 'daddy' and generally boss him around).

For what it's worth, I don't agree with the 3yr thing. There is nothing wrong with a three year gap, but i disagree that it is a perfect number - it really depends on the individual family. When they are younger, they have less formed opinions about things, and from that perspective and be easier to integrate changes to (and things do change).

Hey,

I have 2 of my 4 kids that I want. I therefore only have limited experience with how the wanting to ttc happens except for me I was really truly 100% ready to TTC my second. I think thats the way to go. I have 27 months gap which I find perfect. I know that we are not ready to try and think we'll have two "batches' of children. Wait a couple of years and then have 2 more. So at the moment, even though i KNOW I want more children i am not desparate to have one now..

As far as number 2 coming along and what it means for number 1... I think its a little bit personality dependant but I just feel as though having two kids made the house more love filled. I make sure to "join" them, so if I need to pay attention to one who's upset I talk to the other about why and invite them (usually DD) to help me give love to the other. They reserve the biggest smiles and laughs for each other. Their relationship makes me so proud.

I think given my experience of 2 pregnancies and planning more that you will know when you're ready to TTC again.

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For what it's worth, I don't agree with the 3yr thing. There is nothing wrong with a three year gap, but i disagree that it is a perfect number - it really depends on the individual family. When they are younger, they have less formed opinions about things, and from that perspective and be easier to integrate changes to (and things do change).

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I completely agree with Misty. It is really up to the individual family. My DD and DS are two years apart (birthdays are 1 day apart). It has really been the perfect gap. My DD was always advanced. When DS was born she could have a conversation without without fault, and was completely toilet trained. Made my life so easy with a newborn. My DS is now 16 months old, and I am beginning to think about a third baby, however am worried about how he (and we) will handle the change, because he is still very much a baby. It depends on you, and when you are ready.

As for the relationship - with DD my husband and I suffered a lot. We found it really tough, and I honestly thought we wouldn't make it. Having a baby is such a huge adjustment (as you already know). With DS, our relationship has strengthened like I can't believe. We both knew what we were in for this time. No fighting... it has really been so so easy.

as my comment earlier says i honestly agree with misty regarding the 3yr age gap, mine is good but bad so im wanting to experience a closer age gap this time around!!!

yes DS1 is helpful but only if he wants to be but i also dont push him if he doesnt want anything to do with DS2

The 3 year resonates really well with me, as I said. I love that DS was old enough to participate in the prenatal appointments with the private midwives, and understand what was going to happen at our homebirth. He was old enough to feed me nuts (that I didn't want but couldn't speak!) during labour and give me water from my bottle. He was also (and still is) breastfed, so loved sharing that with his baby sister. He has been very much a part of her life with no jealousy, and that's in large part to do with how I've integrated him given his developmental stages. He has waited patiently (and sometimes not so) for her to grow big enough to play with now, and he has experienced the joy of watching her grow.
My sister and I are 23 months apart and whilst we played together as young children, we very much weren't close from about 10 till about 22. My cousins family has 6 children, all about a year apart for the first 4, then the next 2 are about 3 years apart. The first 4 are not very close, and moaned and groaned about each other until the last 2 years - the eldest is 36! So, I don't believe that close age gap means close relationship - that is contingent on so many other things coming together!
So, for me, the 3 year gap is my minimum preference. It might not work out that way next time round if we have an accident, but I'd really like to maintain that minimum, especially living on a farm, where I just can't afford to be completely taken up with young children at similar intensities of attention-requirements. But then, I was never really the clucky type, either. I love my children and give them all I believe to be the best and do it with unconditional love...and I'm not aching to have small dependant children at my feet, either ;)
The Gabrielle Palmer book 'The Politics of Breastfeeding' actually has some very constructive and interesting sections on fertility, age gap and number of children. I guess the things I've read have supported the previous readings that support how I want to do things. It is evolutionarily sound to spread children out, and now we live in a fast-paced modern society that has changed the social conditions, but the physiological and psychological conditions are still playing catch-ups. Big families are a sedentary-life phenomenon.
I've been called into question for 'leaving it so long', which is really rude, especially when you know they're telling you you're selfish...as if! Whatever you decide or are dealt, we still need appropriate support from family, friends and neighbours.