Failing miserably

I don't know if this is the right spot for my question, so apologies if my post needs to be moved.

My DS is 2 weeks old. I love him dearly, but he's SUCH a handful. He had a very traumatic birth, and I wonder if this has anything to do with it. He seems to want to be held all the time, which just isn't possible if I'm asleep. I've actually taken to sleeping upright, and wrapping a blanket around us both keeping him firmly attached to my body so I don't have to worry about dropping him. He loves it. Me, not so much.

Lately I find myself wondering why I wanted this so badly. Is that wrong? I feel sick even thinking it. When it's just the two of us in the middle of the night and he's screaming for hours, I find myself saying things I regret. Like shut up, etc. I feel angry sometimes when he wakes up only 20 minutes after being put down. Don't get me wrong I would never do anything to hurt him................. but I just feel disconnected at times and like I'm being punished. First the difficult birth, and the experience with the hospital afterwards, now the demanding baby I just can't seem to settle at night. This is meant to be the happiest time of my life and I find myself just wishing he was a little older. It's like the whole 'new baby' thing has been ruined for me by what happened during and after his birth.

Is this what PND is like? I'm confused. I feel alright during the daytime, it's just at night. When the screaming starts, I just cry and wish I could put him back in my belly so it can be quiet again.

I feel like an awful mother for even thinking these things. He's such a beautiful boy, so adorable. It's not that I don't love him, but I feel like I should love him MORE. What's wrong with me?? I have the contact details of a counsellor from the hospital. Is it time to contact her? I'm really not the 'counselling' type, and mostly just work through things on my own................................. but I'm worrying that I'm not bonding with my baby properly, and the fact that I resent the crying is alarming.

:(

I feel like a failure.

Oh darls :hug: You are completely normal and not failing at all. It is such a huge change with so many emotions and not many people can cope with zero sleep without some feeling of resentment and tiredness :hug: I found my baby blues (not PND) hit at around the 2 week mark because the warm glow of what we had made wore off and the sleeplessness kicked in. What worked for us was getting a hammock. He was cocooned and actually slept in it instead of on us. He hated his bassinette even if we tried propping him up a bit with towels etc. He had a wee bit of reflux. I would be super worried about sleeping with him on you like that babe. We did it too and I would wake up terrified that I had dropped him (or that DH had dropped him or smothered him in his sleep). I would be looking at ways that you can try to settle him. :hug: Completely normal, do not beat yourself up for feeling resentful of the crying, you are resenting not having sleep because of the lack of sleep not resenting having a baby at all if that makes sense. Slight difference but a big one. xoxox

ETA: Do you have any support around you? Can someone come and watch him during the day so you can rest? Is your DH home right now - can you take it in turns at night? Try and get some fresh air each day if you can, if someone comes over go for a 10 min walk ALONE. It is really important that you take some time out even if it is to have a long hot shower :hug:

I've just read your 'what happened after' thread and you've been through, and are still processing so much. I had issues, although nowhere near the extent of yours, after birth which left me reeling. I cried for the first 3 weeks at anything and I also dreaded my DS waking up so I'd have to deal with him. I loved him, as you do your DS, but the thought of him waking and me having to deal with him when I felt I was hardly in control of myself was really overwhelming. You are not alone, nor is this anything to be ashamed of.

As for bonding with your baby, people often comment that my DS "only has eyes for me" so our rocky early start has not been detrimental. There is plenty of time to nurture the love between you, so don't put too much pressure on yourself and take care of you so you can then care for your DS.

I had my mother from interstate with us and she was a great support. Doing washing, letting me sleep when I asked her etc. As Tanstar suggested, do you have anyone you can call on for similar support? I think contacting the counsellor is a good idea, even if it is for reassurance that what you are feeling can be quite normal and will pass with time and support. It must seem all so hard atm but just take it step by step, and ask for help here or elsewhere, when you need it.

:hug:

You are not a failure! The first six weeks or so are madness! It's such a huge adjustment, not to mention that you're also healing and probably dealing with a few emotional scars yourself. Archie was the same with sleeping, 20 mins at a time seemed to be enough for him.. It's so hard when you are so so tired. I also found myself saying horrible things and having no patience at all.. But soon things settled and I found it a bit easier. I was also worried about PND but, 16 months on, I know it wasn't that.
I think speaking to someone isn't a bad idea at all. If you are having a hard time then getting some help is a good option. You might find that in a week or two things get a little easier, babies change on the daily! Who knows, Axel might go to bed tonight a changed man and give his poor mummy a nice rest!
I really hope things get easier for you real soon. Until then, please know it's normal to find it hard in the beginning. But in saying that, if you are worried about yourself then don't be ashamed or afraid to get help xx

You are not a failure at all! My DD2 only wanted to be strapped to me at all times for the first 6 weeks. A hugabub sling saved my sanity! I was able to walk around and do things. The first few weeks is very unsettling for a baby - suddenly they are out in the big wide world and evrything is strange. They are used to being snuggled up tight inside mum hearing her heart beat. By using a sling and having him hear your heartbeat would comfort him.

You are also probably suffering some Post Traumatic Stress from his birth which is also understandable. Can you get DH to hold him and walk with him while you have a nap or get some rest. You need this to heal and it is important you can get this time. Even a friend or someone who can just come over for an hour or so?

Ohhh honey you are not a failure, you have been through so much. As others have said it's totally normal for such a young baby to want to be held, it takes them a couple of months to get the hang of settling down.

Watch for tired signs, waving arms, rubbing eyes and try and settle him before he cries. We used a monitor that plays the sounds the baby hears on the womb, it works wonders.

It will get easier, but don't be afraid to ask for help from your dh, family and friends.

You have received some really good advice. I just wanted to assure you that it WILL get better. You must be absolutely exhausted right now. :hug:

Is your partner supportive? My advice is to tell everyone who asks how you are feeling the truth - you will be amazed at where the support you need will come from. I think most mums feel this way at around the 2 week mark but we don't tell enough people and then new mums who are struggling with lack of sleep think there is something wrong with them! Tell everyone, and accept all offers of help!

Do you have a MCHN or good GP you can visit? You need someone to watch you to make sure you don't fall down the slippery slide of PND.

I promise, it WILL get better!

oh babe, you are not a failure..
no advice just lots of hugs and love to you xoxo

The wonderful women before me have offered you lots of advice and, as it's been a long time since I have had a newborn in the house, I wont add anything other than to say this.....

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE

I underlined it because I cannot say it emphatically enough.

Even though you say you "are not the counselling type" I urge you to ring the hospital counsellor to make an appointment to see him/her. From reading your post there are a lot of things which are weighing heavily on your mind about the birth. With your little one being so unsettled, compounded by a lack of sleep, this is not going to go away quickly. And, honestly sweetie, the loss of your precious little Shelby probably is adding a lot of pressure to the situation. Even if you are not aware of it. You REALLY need to work with someone who is a professional in this area.

Please, please, please ring the counsellor right now. You dont need to feel like this. You deserve better and there is help available.

This too shall pass x

In the meantime, this old chook would like to give you one of these :hug:

Take care xxx

n2l

Your feelings are completely normal and valid hun....okay, I havn't read your birth story, some of the things that I can think of - a chiropractor who specialises in babies - sometimes a traumatic birth can leave babies feeling uncomfortable so they can't settle, does he pull his legs up and squirm around, Brauers Stomach Calm or Brauers Colic can work wonders, having his cot raised at one end if it is a reflux issue. Slings are great for getting things done and bub being close to you so he can sleep. And, you need to look after yourself too, talk to your MCHN if she's an approachable type or contact your hospital to speak to someone there, it really helps to get it out and realise that what you are feeling is normal but also they have coping strategies too to get you through this difficult time. Hugs. xxx

Ok, just went and read your other two threads first, and think I should say that I am utterly horrified!

But, even with that, I will say that you are going through fairly normal sleep deprivation from what I remember. It is incredibly horribly evil and turns you into someone you do not like. I had somewhat similar problems with Diva. She was incredibly clingy. She would tolerate sitting in her bouncer or pram for about 10 minutes a day - never all at once. Once I got her off to sleep if I tried to put her down her eyes would snap open and she would start screaming for ages and I couldn't console her.

And you do just want sleep. 5 minutes peace. The ability to type with two hands, or even simple things like make food, have a shower and go to the toilet without hearing the baby screaming in the background. Even as a master of the sneak away, she would wake up after only 1 sleep cycle and it would start again.

The best I can suggest is to get a slightly larger cloth to swaddle him in. I could get her to calm down and sleep a little longer in a decent swaddle. I guess it made her feel more secure. I would then place a shirt or jumper I had worn near her. The smell of me near by offered a little bit more comfort and she would sleep a little longer.

You will get through this. Heck, if you got through THAT hospital, you and your son will be fine, and will bond. Just remember that in those times where it is tough, you have to love them just a little bit more.

:hug:

two and a half years ago i think i wrote the same post!!! i had a birth which i found quite traumatic, so did DH and i can only imagine DD did too, id sit and watch her scream....at times i felt like i couldnt even hold her while she was screaming. some of the things i thought made me feel sick too....how could i think that of my little darling daughter.....those days are far behind us now, and i only think of them when i read a post like yours and remember that i felt like that once upon a time too. i love my DD now, and now i have DD2 its so different, i look at her with love and just sniff her and think how wonderful having a baby is....and then feel that pang of guilt as i never did that or felt that with DD1 till she was atleast a few months old....or older :redface:

After everything you have been through its no surprise that your not feeling great about everything!!

dont be hard on your self. i hope you find something that helps settle him better, do you have a sling, both of mine sleep/slept in a sling for a good few hours a day. is he in bed with you, DD1 is in my bed, so i can feed her without getting up...wish id dont that with DD1, what about things like colic/reflux etc etc....maybe thats why he doesnt like laying down....im sure someone else has suggested all these things, havnt read your other replies :) what about a chiropractor, or what ever those people are, maybe his back/neck/shoulders are hurting from a traumatic birth. hugs to you.

i second having him looked at by an osteo or chiro, he very well could be in pain from the birth
:hug: darl xxxx

I had to check that I hadn't typed this post when my DD was newborn! I completely understand your feelings and emotions right now. Please don't carry the burden of guilt, you are the best mother for Axel. This is new for the both of you, and sleep deprivation is a serious issue in new parents, you're NOT alone in feeling like this. I also had a a rough birth and post birth experience with DD, and believe it affected my ability to bond. Not everyone is so 'natural' at the transition, I was the worst I think. It's something i'm aware of now, and hopefully when I make my transition again as a parent of 2 under 2 I will use that experience in a positive way.
Keep up all your good work, and keep communication open. Look for something small for you to do (just you!) when DP can watch Axel (i'm thinking anything that involves you being out of hearing range!) I found it very refreshing, not a cure, but an ease in my day.

All the best xx

Not failing! Having a hard time, and we all do! I'll have to say that "F**king go to sleep!" was not a golden parenting moment of mine... but now I laugh about it, because I was just having such a hard time.

In the early weeks, I made sure the little one got at least 3 hours a day in the sling, preferably before midday. If I could do that, the rest of her day was a whole lot easier. We also had a lot of sleeps together - her wrapped up next to me, on the boob for the first little bit, and then we'd just nap together for as long as we could. There's nothing wrong with it, and make sure you put other stuff on hold.

Things DO get better. Before you know it. You'll be getting smiles and chatting any minute now, and it will be worth the hard work, and it will get easier.

Could your mum come and help? Oh wait.... I remember those threads. Maybe not :lol: I can though, if you want. I did it without family support, and it's bloody tough.

There isn't really much I can add, everyone has given some awesome tips.
I just want to second everyone by saying that, NO you are not a failure.
You are doing an amazing job. Look at what you have been through this past month - geeze woman you deserve a medal :hug:

I had those exact same moments, "Just shut up! I want to sleep" :( Then someone close told me, the first 6 weeks are the hardest, after that everything seems to settle down. From that point onwards, I was counting down the 6 week mark, haha. Things will settle down, I promise. For now, just know that you're doing a great job, and sleepless nights catch up on you quickly. Try and get some sleep next time DP is home, or when your aunty asks if you'd like a lie down.

:hug:

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I am counting down to the 6 week mark. By Friday I'm halfway. It helps to know I'm not the only one to tell my baby to shut up. All the tips I've been given are great. I have a sling, it works pretty well.... but doesn't help when I want to be comfortable and sleep. Still good during the day. I've discovered he really loves music, and will calm down if I play ANY mp3 at all. It can be thrashy metal and he still calms down, lol. However that's no good when we're trying to sleep either! All the solutions I've found are daytime solutions.

I suppose I just need to keep battling on, and waiting for things to get better. I just want to sleep, really. DP and I work really well as a team, and take turns giving eachother a rest. Neither of us ever really uses our time to sleep though as there's so much other stuff to do. We've got to eat, bottles need to be sterilised... I'm out of undies so we need to do laundry. The list goes on. BUT we're staying mostly sane, and are supporting eachother instead of fighting and arguing like I hear some do. New babies put a strain on a relationship? Not ours. Axel has cemented our bond more than I expected. Maybe it's the fact I was so sick and could have died at one point there.. I don't know. Even when he's screaming, DP and I can still look at eachother lovingly and smile. Except at 3am. That's when we say SHUT UP! Heh... :rolleyes:

Once again thank you all for the advice, I'll be sure to come back to this page when I next feel like a failure. Right now, bubby is asleep, DP is resting, and I'm actually doing something I enjoy. (bb) Feeling quite sane for the time being. Let's see what tonight brings.................... *shudder*

It's quite overwhelming at times, isn't it? My oldest daughter is 14. When she was first born, I remember bursting into tears and wailing to my husband that I was never going to have a minute to myself again because she cried every time I put her down. Still, I went on to have 6 more children.

It does pass. I know that may not make it easier to handle, but remind yourself of that.

I'd see your doctor about PND just to be on the safe side. The worst case scenario is that they'll diagnose you as having it and you'll be able to keep on top of it with counselling or meds.

Good luck.