My turn to freak out. *may be distressing*

I don't know whether there's any advice that can be given on this one. Mostly I guess I just want to vent and maybe get reassurance that you can feel this way and things still work out ok.

I can't stop stressing about this baby. For the first 12 weeks or so, I felt totally disconnected. Intellectually, I was excited by the idea of another baby. By being pregnant. DD getting to be a big sister. But I didn't feel any of the instant love and connection that I did with DD.

I had the nuchal fold scan, and seeing bubs definitely helped. Affirmed that this is real, and there's definitely a little person growing in there. But still, I've felt weirdly distant. And have this underlying sick, awful feeling that this baby isn't going to make it. That I'm never going to see him/her alive and breathing. I've felt movement from 15 weeks, but it's so inconsistent and there are days on end when I feel nothing at all. At 17 weeks I felt nothing for more than 48 hours and I ended up going to hospital to get monitored. The actually gave me a scan, and again I got to see that lovely little person who was indeed wriggling away in there, i just couldn't feel it. For about 2 days that helped to allay my fears, but it's back with a vengance. I keep getting awful mental images of having a dead baby inside me or having to give birth to a sleeping baby. I freak out about little things which I take as a 'sign', like DD announcing out of the blue the other day "baby gone". Don't know what she was talking about (maybe a dolly, or that she couldn't see the baby in Mummy's tummy)... I have felt baby move since then. But it made me keep thinking that maybe she knew that this baby wasn't going to stay.

My friend lost her precious boy at 17 weeks, not long ago, and I'm sure that reading the stories of loss on here also keeps this more 'real' or 'likely' in my mind. But I'm scared that it's not just that.

I wish I could shake this. If DH has any say in it, this will likely by may last pregnancy and I so want to enjoy every minute of it. I want to feel the joy that I did when I was pg with DD, when I just beamed at every little wriggle, sang to her and rejoiced in my growing belly. But I don't. I feel sick and afraid and am tormented by these negative thoughts.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies. xoxo

Oh and to my lovely student midwife, if you're reading this I am planning on chatting to you about this... I just had hoped that it would go away. It's not... and we shall talk. :)

:hug: I think with everything that's happened this year what you are feeling is more than normal. My last pregnancy was my worst - filled with lots of fear, anxiety, dark dreams - it was awful. I also had one of my kids tell me that the baby was gone - maybe it's something they just say?

I know I can't say anything to reassure you - but we can keep the faith that everything will turn out ok (and I'm sorry about the Bon jovi reference, what can I say, I'm old)

Again I can't offer reassurance but perhaps a shoulder to lean on I posted the other day because I'm having the same sorts of fears. After my sons death having boys terrifies me. I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I wish (gee do I wish!!) I knew some way to make it stop.
Big hugs and I'm sure everything will be fine and it's just weird hormonal mind games that result in a completely different ending


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:hug: I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. The mind is such an overpowering thing sometimes and no matter how you try to contol your throughts sometimes you just can't. Without a little help anyway...

I know for me my first pregnancy was my most carefree, i think i was blissfully oblivous to so much of what is the reality of pregnancy. At times pregnancy can me be made out to be this absolutely amazing wonderful expereince (and it definatley can be) that when we dont' necessaraliy feel that way we beat ourselves up about it. I really don't have any advice on how to help but i do hear you and compltely understand your struggle.

Like you are planning on doing prehaps talk about it and see if you find any ways to make it easier on yourself.

I'm sorry i can't be of any more help but i do hope you can enjoy your pregnancy a little more before you have your precious little one in your arms.

All the best xoox

i had alot more bad thought during my second pregnancy, i felt way less naive second time around, i knew more about waht could go wrong etc..
have you thought about seeing someone?

yeah i have to agree with olive on this one. i felt less connected to my second pregnancy. i knew so much more. i was more aware of what could go wrong. the whole pg never felt as special, but i gotta tell you that now that he's here, he's the most precious little soul ever and i could not love him anymore than i do. i don't know what it is, i think part naievity (sp?) and excitement in the first pg help you through it a bit more iykwim?
it's hard not to worry with everything that's been going on xoxo

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I think that maybe there has been so much terrible loss lately that it is messing with everyone's minds! Grace is my 5th baby, and I had never had bad or worrying thoughts until I was pregnant with her. I don't think it is to the extent that you have, but I was definitely more worried and stressed that something would go wrong this time around.

I'm so sorry, mate. I wonder whether there is some kind of large psychological hurdle that's in your path? Even unresolved issues from DD1's birth?

I was exactly the same. There was always soemthing I was worried about. Until I felt her move, I was at the doctors every week just to hear a heartbeat. If I had a day (after I could feel movements) that I had felt nothing all day or had some other kind of panic, I'd be back there . Thank heavens for bulk billing doctors! When the day loomed closer, the worse my dark thoughts, dreams and panic set in. My dh wasn't very supportive regarding this, but he did what he could.

I had nights where I couldn't sleep, or I'd wake up in a sweat and in tears. If I was ever driving somewhere, my brain would go into over active mode and start thinking absolute worst case senario. The thoughts were always worse at night.

I always had a particular BB member in the back of my mind, and wonder how she copes.

Funnily enough, the last week I was pregnant, I don't think I had the fear at all. I don't think it crossed my mind during labour either.

Since DD was born, I now worry about SIDS, or something else, and think about the BB'ers that my fear actually happened to. I still cry about my fears, but now it's for those it's happened to

The fear is completely normal, you are not alone. If you need to speak to a counselor, please do so. It's not a weakness to ask for help.

:hug:

Thanks so much wonderful women. It does help to read that my thoughts and feelings have been experienced by others and to know that you now have your precious little ones earthside. I went and had a big cry after I sent the OP and lay down on the bed for a while and bubba belted me with one great big kick - I took that to mean "sheeesh, I'm fine. Chill out Mum." ;)

I am seeing someone already - one of the perks of working in the mental health industry... we may be more nuts than most, but we get psych support! She's trying to help me figure out whether there's anything in particular underlying the fear but so far we haven't come up with anything other than an unusually high exposure to sad stories. Will make sure I have a chat to my midwives - when I finally have an appt, and my gorgeous student middy.

Much love to you all and thanks again. xoxo

i agree, i think with a combination of everything thats been going on with lost os baby losses on BB and also i think that with the second you are more aware of what 'can' happen. im sure everything will be fine and you can begin to relax and enjoy being pregnant. hugs

:hug: I agree with all the gorgeous advice from PP and just wanted to add that with DS I felt kicks early on, at about 17 weeks or so, for about a week, then they stopped completely and I mean completely until I was 23 weeks. :doh: So frustrating but once he was that bit bigger I felt them all the time. :hug: xoxoxo

Just thought I'd update and say that I'm feeling SO much better after our morphology scan. Still have random worries, but not nearly the 'horrors' of last week. The sonographer was amazing and really thoroughly went through with me all the physical indicators you might have that something could go wrong (issues with cervix, umbilical cord, bub's heart...). Looked at each part and explained in detail why it was measuring/functioning well etc. and reassured me that I have one very healthy, happy little bubba in there.

He also told me that my placenta is at the front this time, which might explain why the movement I'm feeling is so different / more inconsistent than with DD.

AND we know the sex... (heh heh heh... not telling!) which has further helped me to start making a connection to this beautiful little creature.

Thanks so much again for all the stories and support. It means a lot. Hopefully not too much more freaking out from me from here on in.... I'll try!

That's so good to hear Santosha, great that you feel like you can relax and enjoy your time being pregnant now. As i was reading i was wondering if you had found out the sex. I didn't with my first but did with my second and third and i found that there was more bonding involved prior to the birth. All equally loved once they arrive of course but just different during pregnancy. Enjoy and stay healthy and well xoxoxo

Thanks EJ. Yes, we did find out the sex (hehehe not telling though!!) and it has helped with forming a bond. At this rate this little one will NEVER have a name though. DH and I had agreed on one if it was the other gender, but as things stand, can't agree on anything for this one!

I am so glad you are feeling better. I found the 18 week scan really helped us too, and we also found out the sex and can't agree on a name...yet :-) I think it helps with the bond. Sometimes when you have been exposed to loss it just makes you put your guard up more.

Yay for feeling better!!! ooh a secret! :D

DS has also said the same thing with this pregnancy and i have finally began to feel something for this baby but it does still feel distant yet at other times I can just relax and live in the moment. So how long you keeping the secret? :p