struggling with breastfeeding and PND

Hey there,
I just wanted some support really, or just to share my story.
My daughter Anna is 7 weeks old and feeds really well, has gained heaps of weight and seems to love it. But I have had bleeding nipples, toe-curling nipple pain, nipple thrush (continuing), white blebs and blocked ducts, and painful let-down and mastitis (one case), and now my bad back is keeping me up at night, along with needle sharp pains in the nipples (between feeds, and sometimes during) which have woken me from sleep it's so bad.
I've been to 3 sessions at a breastfeeding clinic, and had an LC visit me at home, and followed up on all her suggestions. I've spoken to an ABA counsellor, and I've read most everything online and in books. I have bought two different pillows (for the back/shoulders) and I've tried baby-led attachment. I've seen 3 doctors now (and also seeing a psychiatrist for PND). I have one more appointment with a fourth doctor, a nipple specialist. I am on my third course of anti-fungals, have tried the anti-candida diet, but couldn't really stick to it, because of energy levels, and I use Daktarin gel every feed and hydrogel breast discs and hot packs (for possible vasospasm).
I feel like I can't take it anymore, and I feed so sad, and feel like whatever choice I make, it will be wrong and I'll especially beat myself up about it, if it's to wean.
I feel like I have really explored all my options, including letting quite a bit of time go by, whilst feeling utterly miserable. I think I'm depressed because of all the pain, and the sense of failure, but then it's always possible that I'm feeling the pain worse because I'm depressed?
Anyway, I longed for this baby and love her to bits, and now I feel like everything is going massively wrong.
Any words of encouragement?
WW

Aw WW massive :hug: to you.

Firstly - breastfeeding can be so so hard. I really struggled at first. I remember each time DS would attach I would grab onto DH and literally scream. It was agony. I'm sure you have tried nipple shields as it sounds like you have tried everything.

Breastfeeding is important and great if you can do it but it will never be worth it if it destroys your joy for your child, your body or your sanity. Your child will get more out of a happy, relaxed and healthy mum than she will from the breastmilk. So please, if you make the decision that breastfeeding is not right for you, you mustn't beat yourself up over it.

To be honest with you it sounds like you have well and trulygone beyond the call and noone would blame you if you made the decision to discontinue breastfeeding. Quite simply, your health is suffering and for most women it is not the case.

As for the PND, man I know where you're coming from. I was so miserable and I feel I missed out on a lot of joy for myself. I'm glad you are seeing someone about it.

Also realise that (someone said this to me in relation to PND) the LTTTC journey tends to set mums up with huge expectations of motherhood, and it's a massive crash when it doesn't go to plan. Be gentle to yourself and give yourself credit for all that you've achieved to date.

Much love to you darl, hang in there you are doing an amazing job xx

:hug::hug::hug:
Wow worrywart you have had some challenges in your BF journey. You should be very proud of what you have acheived so far. I really struggled with BF for about the first 3 months so I can relate to your post. I also had PND which went undiagnosed for ages.
Try to take care of yourself and not be too hard on yourself - we all do the best we can and sometimes that ends up being something we'd never have thought of. xxxx

My goodness you've been through a lot already! Congratulations on the birth of your baby and on your hard work as a mummy so far :hug:
This is not the end of the world. Give yourself a break, ok? I mean that literally and figuratively. Can you pump for some time out, or take a break one feed a day and give a bottle? Sometimes when it all seems to much it's good to take a step back and have a time out. Or just approach this one feed at a time, don't look too far ahead - that just makes things seem harder when times are tough.
Go get a 3rd/4th opinion on the thrush - it can be incredibly hard to shift sometimes, but sometimes it might actually not be thrush at all but something else. Perhaps the nipple specialist will know.

It's great to hear how well your little one is doing, good work! Being a mother is very hard work, especially in the first few months. It doesn't matter how you feed her, it'll still be hard and you may still struggle. But it does get easier. Everything that challenges us passes in time and we move on to the next thing. Just feeding can be so hard at first - I know it took nearly 3 months for everything to fall into place with my first - but in time it becomes old hat.
Hang in there :hug:

Wow, you poor thing! The nipple pain sounds familiar to me, some mineral supplements may help, if you're in the SE area, PM me and I'll send you the name of my LC, she helped healps with my nipple pain.

Definately have a break - I've been through depression due to BF issues and just looking at your little bub happy & healthy, no matter if bottle fed or breastfed is the best way to go. Your MCHN can also help with PND and BFing and can activate help and support for you.

:hug: and all the best

Hi there,

You have been through a lot, and have done a great job to stick in there. As others have said - the first 6 weeks with a new baby are very heavy going - it's not anything like what any of us expected, and that's when things go relatively well.
Breastfeeding doesn't cause PND. And from that point of view, stopping breastfeeding doesn't cure PND. Babies are still babies, with their own peculiar challenges however they are fed. And whilst some aspects of caring for baby may be alleviated when you stop breastfeeding, other challenges will arise.
It is important that your PND is adequately treated. You are doing really well to seek the help and assistance you need. Are you on antidepressants? Most are compatible with breastfeeding. However, it may take several weeks for them to start working effectively - and sometimes things seem to get worse before they get better. You are right - PND makes the challenges of caring for a more difficult to cope with.
On the breastfeeding front, often bacterial infections of the nipple are misdiagnosed as thrush. A creme that combats candida, bacteria and is a steroid such as kennacomb may be helpful - hopefully the dr you are seeing will help.

Just wanted to send you a :hug: I don't really have much advice as I am struggling myself with BF and making decisions about what to do with feeding. I understand the feelings of having to make a decision about FF or BF and the pain that this causes.

I have found that expressing has prolonged my decision making, but in a good way. I take some heart that my bub is getting some breast milk and has added another option for me to think about which is exclusive expressing.

Wishing you the best of luck. I'm sure you will make a decision that is right for you and your bub. It doesn't have to be the same decision that someone else would make. As more than one LC has told me, no one would think any less of me if I went to formula given how resistant the issues are.

Hey thanks everyone who replied. It really helps to hear that others have been through something similar.

I am still bf'ing for now. I am on stronger anti-fungals (for next 6 days) and just really hoping that things can work out. But I've dropped one feed for formula (as of yesterday) and it has really taken the pressure off and my husband has enjoyed this bonding time with Anna.

You know, I like what you said Mak, about doing our best and sometimes that being something we never thought we'd do. This is so true of birth and parenting in general, and life!

You know, Barb, I'm certainly not assuming that my PND will vanish if I stop bf'ing, but there is fairly established link between chronic pain and depression.

Lisa, let me know how you're going. Expressing is such a great thing to do. I tried expressing, but found that even more painful. But I still want to maybe give it a go, if I get up the guts, if the nips start feeling like they can take it. The doctor said electric pump is best?

Anyway, thanks all.
WW

Hi Worrywart, I just wanted to tell you that I found breastfeeding to be the hardest thing I had ever learnt to do. rewarding as hell once I got it sorted out, but really tough to get there. And I only had a fraction of your problems. I had a nice big nipple crack of about 2-3mm wide and 2cm long and I had to stop feeding on that side while it healed. I was very lucky to get good help early too, I had three I think home visits with qualified LC's and a day stay too. I used the kennacomb that Barb mentioned too. For me it was attachment, I was weak in the left arm and had trouble getting my little boy on...okay the massive boobs compared to his tiny mouth did not help either, but the main issue was my lack of strength. It got better. I found the electric pump more painful than a manual, but every one is different.

Depression is horrible, as you know, but is it possible that you are also experiencing normal feelings of anger and frustration at the difficulties you're facing?

Finally, you're not failing at anything, you're trying. To me, trying is what counts. Now maybe I'm just believing the propaganda I tell my son, but I believe that trying is what counts. We all fail at some things sometimes, and that's okay. I wish I could send you my copy of Oh The Places You'll Go by Dr Suess!

This has been a tired (me), inexact (my words!) and not very articulate attempt (I hope I get marks for trying) to tell you that I think you're doing a great job, at the hardest and most important job we do as human beings: raising the next generation in the best way we can.

ps my son is 3 and a half, conceived Dec 2006, and we're the same age. We must have been thinking alike back then, and you amazing person, you kept trying for three and a half years until you got her. That actually brings tears to my eyes to think about it.