My BF Journey....

Well... Here I am, in a place I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be! I have to be honest, I was completely naive when it came to BF. I did calm birth in preparation for the birth of my daughter and in all the videos I watched, the babes always found the breast in skin to skin. I had an amazing birth and followed it up with 2 hours of skin to skin, at no point did Willow seek out the breast. I asked the MW if she should be feeding by now and she tried attaching her, alas, she had no interest. The MW dismissed this and said she was probably a little mucusy (from the speedy birth), and that she will get interested.

When I returned to the maternity ward, noone really explained how much we should have been feeding her, nor did a MW show me how to feed her, so I just let her sleep, hours went by before someone had noticed she hadn't been fed. I tried and tried, she wouldn't latch, the days that followed the same thing happened, on the day before discharge, it became apparent that I didn't know how to feed my baby and that she didn't know how to latch... By then they had to give her formula and she started loosing so much weight and was admitted into ICU for observation...

Now, just to set the scene, this was a really good hospital - one of the best private hospitals in the state - but due to my bad luck of having her amidst a baby boom in the hospital, the ward was understaffed and spread too thin... It was only the day I was supposed to be discharged that I finally got to see a LC and they assisted me, needless to say I wasn't allowed to go home till we had got BF somewhat established. She suggested I use a shield on day 4 and this helped but she still didn't seem satisfied, in the end I was sent home with a lactation plan for Willow as she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight. I had to express after each feed and top her up 30mls after each feed.

I engaged a private LC for two days after I got back and got her 5 visit special. My LC weighed her and she still wasn't gaining enough weight and suggested I top her up 90 - 100mls after each feed, now I don't have the supply for this so we had to do 50/50. Long story short but this has been going on for the past three weeks since getting home from the hospital, Willow has progressively got worse and worse on the breast and even after spending 40 - 60 mins on the boob she is still taking 110 - 150 mls top up, which to me says she is getting hardly anything out of me. She screams every time I try to put her on the boob and has progressively got worse at feeding, especially since I tried to ditch the shield. So today like the past few days she screamed and screamed and screamed and I couldn't even get her on the boob, so in the end just gave her the EBM and Formula and have decided to just express for the next three weeks and give all her feeds out of the bottle. It has been incredibly traumatic and stressful and I have an overarching stress that I have to return to work in three weeks time (my hubby is taking paternity leave and I have my own business to run). So, she will be with her daddy. So, I guess the thing is I am riddled with guilt and sadness that this hasn't worked, but I also need to think of her, it is unfair to make her suck and suck and suck for little reward only to give her the full feed out of the bottle anyway. I never wanted this and feel very disheartened. After having a wonderful pregnancy and drug free birth this just wasn't part of "my plan". I don't know what I am hoping to gain from posting on here, I guess some sort of therapy just typing out the words. My BB group have been very supportive as have family and friends. I am fearful of judgement from those on the street or those in my new parents group, but also very sad for her and for the lost experience of BFing my daughter. I will continue with skin to skin as she loves it, but I just know in my heart of hearts that I can't continue with BF'ing her, it's too traumatic for the both of us...

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!
I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you'd hoped. It must be particularly disappointing that your carers did not provide adequate assistance early on, bu tyou have certainly worked very hard to do your best for your daughter. No one would judge you as anything but a dedicated mummy :hug:

Sounds like you two have had a tough journey over the past three weeks despite the huge amount of effort & energy that you have put in. You can't say you haven't given it your best attempt.

Well done mummy!!! You are amazing and Willow is extremely lucky to have you!

Can I suggest one little change - give your ebm bottles, but try one attaching feed a day - maybe even after she's had her bottle. She may just surprise you!
So sorry that you've had such a difficult run.
hugs
Kate

I'm in a similar place myself for similar reasons, although the story of how I got there is different to yours. Just wanted to send you a big hug as I know how painful the decision is and to let you know that you are not alone. Well done on persisting for as long as you have!

Hello Pumpgirl

A Huge congrats on the arrival of your DD, so happy for you.

I just want to say, I know exactly how you feel. I had this blarzay (sp?) outlook on BF. To be honest, before having the boys I was one of these BF pushers with the whole "Breast is Best" attitude. I used to quietly get upset when someone would tell me that they were not going to BF and go straight to FF. All that has quickly changed I assure you. When the boys were born, we had skin to skin and they were not even interested in looking for booby. They stayed with me in my room for the first day in hospital and they didn't take to the boob. The next day they were admitted to SCN to be tube feed both EBM and Formula. They were in there for 10 days. During that time we were expressing and trying to BF. It was a slow journey but we finally got them to go on the boob. So by the time we took them home they were solely BF babies. I wish I actually new more about BF though. I had watched video's and have just about every midwife in the hospital give me advice (too overwhelming I think) and went home thinking I had it all figured out. Once we were home I soon realised I didn't. It was taking nearly two hours per feed (this was for two babies) and they were still unsettled. I ended up with very sore nipples and it was getting too painful. I persevered with this for two weeks still with the mentality that breast is best and I am not going to be a failure. I ended up in absolute agony so started to give alternate feeds of breast and EBM. Little did I know that this was caused because of bad attachment. Things didn't get better and the boys were getting more and more unsettled - it was getting very hard to deal with. I started supplementing their evening feed with FF and they slept like I've never seen. I went to see the LC the next day and she reprimanded me for giving the Formula and told me it was just coincidence that they sleep better. I felt so tiny.

Anyway, I was getting so tired and stressed out and the boys were so grizzly and I was getting uptight about the ten zillion different bits of advice I was getting and not being able to get any of it to work so I have resorted in FF through the night as they seem to go that little bit longer on it and I can get a little bit more sleep and giving them EBM through the day. I am starting to consider solely FF though as I am on my own with twin boys as DH works away and expressing is time consuming, time that I just do not seem to have. I love the fact that I can give them milk that I have produced but I also need to look after me so I can look after them. I would of loved to be able to continue BF my boys but it just didn't work out. I went into BF with too little knowledge and thought it would be a peace of cake as it is the "natural" thing to do. I have to try to tell myself that I am not a failure, I have tried the best I can and that is all I can do. I have to try to learn how to shrug off those people who will shun me because I am not BF and remind myself that this is the best option in our situation and the boys are well and happy.

I understand where you are coming from with feeling the guilt and sadness, but you just have to do what you have to do. I think you have done an amazing job and you have tried to make this work but it is just not meant to be. Formula is made solely for babies so that they get all the nutrients they need. Many babies have formula and are very healthy happy babies. I feel that I am feeling the same way as what you are about all of this so I really wanted to share all this with you so you hopefully don't feel alone. Your an amazing mummy, don't ever feel like your not. Good luck with it all and enjoy every moment. :hug::thumbsup:

Thanks ladies for your support - it is so awesome to be so well supported in such an emotional time...
Kmn - good suggestion. I did try Willow again on the breast today, she actually latched alright and then she gave up, but I will try it once a day just to see how things go...
Hope - Thank you hun for sharing your story, sounds like you have been on quite a journey with your two little guys. It's funny how we have landed in the same place with our bubs, especially given we were both on a similar TTC journey. Thank you for your support and I hope that by sharing your story here that you feel better about your situation. I think for us, it will get easier, there will be times when it hurts and you will feel emotional about it. I had a breakdown tonight... But in my heart of hearts I know that I don't have the supply to sustain Willow, and I guess the important thing is to take each day as it comes. I think you hit the nail on the head about judgement, why are people (other women in particular) so quick to judge mothers? I am nervous about feeding her in public, I am not sure I am strong enough to take the "your bottle feeding your baby" looks...

I know, I totally hear you there. I always bottle feed the boys when I go out in public, whether it's EBM or formula. I force myself not to look anywhere but at them as I don't want to see anyone's expressions. It shouldn't have to be like that, your baby, your decision.
It is a very emotional time and it is so hard to make the final decision. Especially when in your heart you would love to be BFing but in reality, it all seems too hard/impossible. I hope it all works out for you, no matter what you decide to do. Chin up, it will all get easier either way.

Pumpgirl, I promise you, far fewer people than you might think make those sorts of judgments. :hug: We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else would. You feed and care for your baby - you have nothing to feel bad about.

Pumpgirl your post has stirred many emotions in me because I could have written that. I too did a calmbirth course and really focused on the birth. I'd looked into breastcrawl and that was the way I wanted to go with establishing breastfeeding. Although labour was 7 hours DS was shot out. Despite skin to skin for a couple of hours there was no interest in the breast. The midwife helped me express colostrum to feed him. Over the next couple of days in hospital we struggled to establish attachment. DS would not attach, would pull off, he would arch his back and cry most times I tried. It really did my head in, and to be honest it still does. For as long as I can remember breastfeeding was the way I wanted to feed my children. Most days for the first two to three weeks I was in tears. Someone made the comment that hit the nail on the head: I was grieving my dream of breastfeeding.

The LC I saw in hospital told me I had good equipment but was more interested in complaining about how noisy the people in the next bed were (instead of asking them to be a little quieter) and then told us about theft at the hospital. Neither did anything to assist me in establishing BFing. There was the time in the middle of the night I asked the midwives for help and I had 3 come in one after the other only for them to give up on us. I tried to get a LC at home but it was 3 days before she returned my calls and by then I'd lost faith in the system.

I was in turmoil. I felt pressured to continue breastfeeding even though it was ineffective as we also needed to top up after every feed. There were only a few times in 3 weeks that DS really even attached, so I was on the feed, top up then express path. I desperately wanted someone to say "You've done well but it's not working, how about you go to formula feeding now" but no-one would. A midwife came the closest to noticing I couldn't continue as I was going and she set a deadline for me to decide to either persist with breastfeeding, continue expressing or go onto formula. DH and I discussed it as although I was being told by health professionals that it was my body, it was also his DS. We elected to go the expressing path, but I think that would have been a different decision if I was returning to work, due to the time commitment it involves.

When DS was about 10 weeks old we were out at a public function. DS was due for a feed and I, like you, feared the scorn of others when I pulled out a bottle even though it was EBM (or maybe because it was). There was a lady sitting at an outdoor setting breastfeeding her child and I felt so little. I found a step to sit on not far away but the lady saw and invited me over. I made the comment that she was feeding her baby the right way in the hope of getting my perceived failing out of the way and she responded "there is no right way, just different ways". It was so good to have that from someone I didn't know.

I'm not sure if it will help but this thread https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ressers-85910/ is about exclusively expressing. I'm not saying you need to go that way but if it helps to read what others have been through it may help you come to terms with things?

I had a fantastic birth but the wounds of not establishing BFing run deep for me. I hope you find peace within. I took comfort in being able to look into DS eyes as I was feeding him as some sort of compensation. :hug: to you as I know this is upsetting and not an easy decision if your heart was set on it. Sorry, I feel I've made this more about me than you but my heart is with you.

Thanks MadB!
CeCe - wow, thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it! Like with Hope! it's always nice to know you are not alone and that this isn't such a lonely road.
I feel like I have turned a corner, my LC came out for her last visit today and she weighed Willow - my little girl put on over 500g in 9 days, now I know that switching to the bottle was the right thing, I am still putting her to the breast once or twice a day as Kmn suggested, but I am trying to be a little less stressed about the whole thing. I have no doubt I will have my moments especially when I first go to the new parents group, but at the same time I have to rest easy knowing that I have done the right thing especially when I can see how well she's thriving. It's so funny as this experience has made me realise how naive and judgemental I was before I became a mother myself and I will NEVER judge another mother again... It's been a rather humbling journey, and like this community I have had so much support IRL and that has been a huge part of getting through this and with every day that goes by I get a little stronger...
Hope - how are you doing hun? I told my LC about the bottle feeding in public thing and she said don't worry noone really feeds in public before 10 weeks anyway and by then you'd be suprised that people won't judge - CeCe's post was a perfect example of this, I guess we are harder on ourselves than others are...