Your Emotional HouseKeeping.

What do people think?

(this is also a bit venty)

Do you have to put aside time to "organise your thoughts and feelings" and to tidy up your emotional state so you can see/understand things more clearly?

Or do you just let yourself feel whatever bobs to the surface first? Is thinking twice about your emotional reaction to anything not as authentic as your first impulsive feeling?

Do you ever feel tired and emotionally exhausted because you constantly have to help other adults around you do their emotional house keeping for them? Example: your partner is a worry wart and you are regularly helping him to self-soothe. Or your partner has a bad temper and you are constantly on edge and ready to help them calm down?

This is what i mean when people neglect their emotional house keeping. Don't get me wrong... i'm not perfect... even i need a bit of help too ;)

It doesn't apply to children. Just like in the practical ways we help them to learn to tidy up after themselves we are meant to help them to self-soothe and manage temper etc.

If anyone has any tips on how to help other adults do their emotional house work i'd love to hear them! Or you might not think it's necessary as our emotions are not something we have any control over anyhow. Whatever your thoughts please feel free to share.

BTW I'm currently doing this emotional house keeping for another at an arms distance for someone close to me. I'm refusing to do the hand-holding soothing "hey it's ok, caaaalm down everything will be ok" thing. For me that hasn't worked. I'm now pointing out that this person is emotionally mature enough to be aware that their reaction to things is out of kilter. I tell them that i love them but I neutrally remind them that their choice of emotion (I believe you can often choose) is out of kilter with the situation. At the moment we are at an impasse... but they are coming around slowly i think. The crutch has to be put aside eventually.

As with my normal housework, I seem to only look after it when there's a problem. Recently I've been telling DH I want to go away on holiday - by myself - and not talk to anyone or see anyone for a week. I got about 5 seconds from booking an apartment and flights to Melbourne the other day, only stopped because I felt so guilty about going away...about WANTING to be away from him. He did a 24 hour charity event on the weekend though, so I was by myself in the house for 24 hours, which was fabulous.

I have no doubt that if I made the effort to be by myself regularly, BEFORE it gets to that point, we'd get along better. 'Twould probably help my emotional balance a lot. I never seem to do it though, I feel like I'm being selfish by asking for time away from him...

ETA - I think I've answered the wrong question :) I find the best 'mental housekeeping' activity to be being alone, maybe walking along the beach in the early morning. When I was a kid we used to go to Albany a few times a year, and we stayed in a caravan park right near the beach. I'd wake up at 5am so I could walk myself to the beach and just sit there for an hour or two, away from my family, just being quiet and letting the cobwebs blow away. Mum said I was always calmer (read: less uptight) when I did that - but it had to be our secret, I wasn't allowed to tell Dad ;)

Obviously without knowing anything apart from what you've just said in your second post, I wonder if a time of crisis is the best time to try to teach this kind of lesson to your friend? I know I wouldn't respond to it at all, not when I'm low, I'd be more inclined to distance myself from someone trying to do that. When I'm in a good place I can start to lay a stronger foundation, but when I'm drowning I'm just focussing on getting to the surface, y'know?

Very good point Keike! I forgot to mention that to do emotional house keeping you often DO have to be left alone in a degree of peace and quiet! Interesting the person who i have most had to do their emotional house keeping for doesn't LIKE to be left alone to think. They also don't like quiet; they fill up every waking minute with noise. Even in the car on a five minute drive the music will go on Heaven forbid they actually stop and think about things. They have admitted that thinking too much about their feelings makes them feel uncomfortable. Hmmmm. what can you do with that??? :dunno:

ETA: BT don't feel guilty next time Keike... do it.

Haha, I understand that to a point. Interestingly, when I used to go for the walks, I didn't think at all! It wasn't a conscious choice not to think, I just didn't, I just soaked up the fresh air and the blossoming sunlight and the calm :)

Yep, i do try to choose my timing and when there is a crisis i just pitch in any way i can. Although this person is so often in emotional crisis it's hard to tell. There is a real tendency to catastrophise everything... and when there is a single issue suddenly EVERYTHING is hopeless. Like i said, exhausting.

Hmm, good point :) It is exhausting, and I suppose you eventually have to count the cost of your assistance, is it affecting your own mental health, and is that worth helping your friend? Tough one.

Very interesting subject!

Hi Bathsheba,

first of all I love your way of calling it emotional housekeeping! I myself use the term emotional healing. You're absolutely right about taking some time for yourself and simply be alone, reflecting on your life and emotions. I do it all the time and it works every time.

When you said "I'm refusing to do the hand-holding soothing "hey it's ok, caaaalm down everything will be ok" thing. For me that hasn't worked". I would add to that - For me that hasn't worked so far! That way you're still keeping an open mind with the possibility of it working for you in the future.

In regards to your other question, how to help others dealing with their emotions, I would say there is one thing that in my opinion works 100% every time, but it sometimes takes time, and sometimes you really need to be very patient. That is 'thing' is love, unconditional love. I know this sounds a little corny, but I truly do believe that.

Of course there are limitless ways to help someone, but to truly love someone in my opinion is enough. The thing is, when you interact with the person you want to help, saying "I love you" usually doesnt cut it, lol. S/He simply needs to know that S/He is loved. And for them to feel and know that, its up you how you want to let them know that.

....just my thoughts on this new thread :)

Journalling. Lots and lots of journalling!!

Great idea, Bath. I need a lot of peace and quiet and my own time, something I don't really get too much of these days! I can go into meltdown mode when it all gets too much - thankfully usually a holiday is about to come up when that happens! But I find I am trying to sort out DH as well; he doesn't deal with his work stresses well at all. I feel like I am constantly soothing him, but no-one is looking out for me. (I also end up leaving the house and going for a walk on my own when I need to.)

I love the "emotional housekeeping" concept - thanks very much. I apply it to myself, but I tend to call it self-maintenance. My life journey means that I cannot take my mental health for granted, and so I need time by myself to get my inner state in order, fairly regularly. I'm aware this need of mine means I don't have quite the same "capacity" in terms of my total "productivity" as a human being, however I'm also aware that some highly productive individuals are in worse emotional state than others too.

When it comes to others, yes there is a person in my life who also needs maintenance from time to time. Normally a stern talking to helps when the undesired (stress) behaviours get over the top, but sometimes it's a bit of slog getting this person to realise how out-of-step with the rest of the planet their state of mind (and behaviour) is. Equally so, there is another person in my life who is very much like you described - constant emotional upheaval and crisis, projected onto everyone else in their life (including, at times, me and the rest of my family) - and I just disengage. I won't tolerate wearning someone else's crap when I work so hard to keep my own house in order. Obviously this second person is not a member of my immediate household - I imagine that would require an entirely different level of commitment and/or choice (as to whether to continue to be a part of that household). I know that sounds harsh, but we're all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, kwim?

ETA - That constant crisis type way of being is very typical of people with "personality disorders"
- worth doing some reading about. There's a fabulous book called Stop Walking on Eggshells which is about living/coping with someone with this type of personality disorder. Might be worth checking out. :hug:

Great thread Bath.

I have only just started to take time out & reflect over the past few years. I used to get so uptight that I'd play out how things might go or be said in my head, over & over until it used to drain me. I have been going back to that behaviour lately until I 'caught' myself out and took some time out - I booked a facial, something I used to do all the time & just enjoyed and took my thoughts inwardly. Yoga has helped me do this too. I am definatley a much calmer person these days. I just need to continue to work on being more responsible for how I react to other peoples emotions etc...

Keike - I would just book it. I used to feel guilty about doing things for myself but now I don't. This is b/c it is much more healthier for me & my DH. I have gone on holidays with my DD but without my DH and vice versa as well as gone out with my gf etc... Sometimes I just go out by myself - whether it be shopping or otherwise.

I've been doing a lot of emotional housekeeping lately, actually for the last 6 months on and off. I think I'm nearly there :)

I find these days I spend a lot less time analysing my emotions BUT I can do it far quicker than I used to. Partly that's because I have to do it more quickly with two little ones running around and partly because I'm just better at it. I read a book called Buddhism for Mothers and that was a bit of an eye-opener for me. I wish I could be more articulate tonight Bath but I'm absolutely stuffed.

As for whether you trust your first instinct or the more well-thought out one, I guess a bit of both. For me, it's about what's authentic/honest ie. why I'm REALLY responding to a situation which is all about feelings.

Also, after venting about DP a while back, I guess I've also seen that it goes both ways. His reactions to certain things may not be because of the issue at hand but because of something else going on. That took me a while to grasp because on the surface, DP is so blokey and calls a spade a spade that it was hard for me to grasp that he might be worried about something that he wasn't talking about.

Anyway, highly recommend Buddhism For Mothers both in terms of talking about day-to-day issues that we face and also deeper spirituality 'stuff'.

This is an awesome thread! Fiona I'm going to find that book and read it, sounds good.

I definitely put aside time on a regular (almost daily basis) for mental housekeeping. It's not a set time, just when I need it or get a chance. I am pretty well constantly monitoring myself and thinking about how I'm feeling and whats happening. That sounds horrible written like that and I'm probably not expressing myself very well today but I think a lot about stuff like this. I'm definitely not an impulsive reactor to things. Sometimes I wish I was because it could be simpler in lots of ways but I ALWAYS think about my response and question whether its appropriate or reasonable.

I also do a lot of emotional housekeeping for others in my work. While I love my job most of the time, it has meant that I've had to develop good mental strategies for myself. To put boundaries around other people's stuff and to spend enough time with myself in my head (rather than everyone else in there as well!). That's probably why I feel like I do this every day or few days.

I also think that I'm getting better at it (or quicker as someone else mentioned) as I get older and have more life experience to compare things to. I used to ruminate for days and weeks about specific issues and replay things in my head and obssess etc but I seem to be getting faster to put things into perspective and move on. Big life events can change the way you view the little stuff. It's all relative I guess.

In terms of the people around me in my family and close friends, I think most of them are good emotional housekeepers too. Some aren't obviously and when I was younger I seemed to attract the 'dramatic' people who were always in crisis as friends. I got burned quite a few times and so now, when I spot that personality style, I am polite and friendly but I don't put myself on the line anymore and I don't invest too much emotionally unless I know it's a two way street. I have enough one-way street and 'dramatic' stuff in my working life so a while ago I decided that I didn't want to invite that sort of dynamic into my personal life. That sounds harsh but like MD said, this is part of my taking care of myself so I maintain the capacity to help others (clients, real friends etc).