Keeping your cool + positive parenting

Ok so I trialled a gym-type class late last term with my 2.5yo DS as he seemed to be really losing interest in mini maestro's. He had a ball, but then wouldn't stop for the circle activities. Like really had MAJOR issues with stopping, wouldn't join the group, just howled & howled and worked himself into a major lather.

So it's pretty unlike my little man who's usually very cruisey... and I wondered if it was just the terrible 2's or he was coming down with something. I was uncertain whether to trial another class & push through it, but equally don't feel like spending money on something that was pretty foul for all of us.

Today I decided to try a playgroup with him, it seems like a good choice in that he gets socialisation (as do I) but far cheaper & we're not as locked in to going every single week if we don't want. BUT once again Mr Feral came out to play. He howled. He wouldn't share. He whined. He sooked. He snatched. He does seem to have a cough (just developing today) :wall: so it truly could be something he's coming down with again... but I'm feeling VERY frustrated. It was embarrassing and horrible. I didn't feel like I parented the way I wanted to. I feel like it got to me more than I wanted. My DS goes to FDC twice a week and by all accounts is angelic. He's not tantrumy, he understands turns & sharing. So I'm left feeling that he's acting up with me, and then that makes me think it's my parenting :(.

I feel like today I didn't have a consistent response to him, and to be honest I wasn't sure what to do. I'm not used to him being like this. I tried moving him away from the toys that he was getting frustrated with, I gave him a snack, I offered a hug, I tried to get him to calm down (see even when I see that written I wonder about the wisdom of that - how do you "get" someone to calm down really?). But, I feel I should be more consistent, calm, positive etc. In the end we left (he was over my shoulder kicking & screaming as I pushed the pram :doh:). And the thing that gets me is that no-one else seems to have him in this state ever. And it's so frustrating and I was so mad at him by the end, even though I don't want to be mad... really i'd like to be like a duck - water off my back! Not to mention the fact I have DD with me, and I'm having to watch out for foods (he has allergies and no-one else at the playgroup does), and I'm feeding her, then she spews, then he howls, then she howls and mummy just feels like a frazzled mess. And all the other mothers are just standing there watching me :redface:. One older granny said very nicely how playgroup helps them learn how to share and I felt she was trying to be nice & encourage me to push through it... but then I felt like (again with the shoulds) that I shouldn't be getting frustrated (which I was)... and how to explain that really I don't normally have this demon-child!!

So that's my ramble. I guess I'd like to know how other people handle these situations. And should I go back? Should we try to work through this? I do realise that by staying at home we lose the opportunity to learn & grow. But we do have playdates & mother's group and don't normally have this issue. And how the hell do I stay calm? And not coming home very much wishing for bucketloads of comfort food & a strong drink (at 11.30am HA!).

TIA

How are his language skills? I find with DS it helps to talk him through what we're going to do and what will be expected of him (and what will happen if he doesn't cooperate) before we go somewhere new (or even if it isn't new). So he knows that now he's in a swimming class without mum or dad, he has to do what the teacher sauys (or we'll have to go home) and he has to come straight out again - no playing in the shallows because mum has to hold DD (or we won't be able to trust him to do the class again).
It may be the familiarity with a very predicatble routine that helps him at daycare. Also I think some kids particularly will try very hard to please when they're with other people, so much so that they have to cut loose and relax a bit with mum & dad.
DS has been 'experimenting' with tantrums a lot lately. Whereas in the past it was generally only when he was very tired or hungry, now he's really putting it on sometimes. I have learnt I must not get angry or shout. It's very hard sometimes (with no sleep and given some of the thigns he does) but if I do that it gets a thousand times worse. Other than that I just sort of stand there, head in hands, praying for a lightening bolt or something.

It is really hard hey. I don't have the answer (sorry) but you aren't alone. I have only just started to learn how to keep a level head with my dd. In a situation like yours I would have warned him, and then left if his behaviour continued. Sometimes group settings can be a bit too much for little people, causing them to act out.

I have found that some days just work better than others,lol! When trying new activities it really has taken my 2 a few weeks of the new routine to settle in, especially at that age. Sometimes we have decided to pull the pin and leave (in extreme cases) after a warning as it was causing me more stress to stay. I think that it is quite normal for them to be experimenting with pushing boundaries etc and generally my experience is that they love to do it to/with ME! Probably because they feel safest and are just seeing how things pan out or are comfortable with expressing their frustrating etc with you, ITMS?? It is hard tho and I find it really difficult to work through. Often new environments, changes in routine, people being sick, too tired, hungry (some strange wind) cause my 2 to act a bit out of sync so I try to look out for that too.
Sounds like you did a good job to me! Anyone who pretends it has never happened to them either has a NB or a FT nanny! Have a cuppa, sit in the sun if you can and try to find the love again (as I can be an elephant so I need to give myself a kick in the butt occasionally)
PS don't go thinking I am smug as I could have cheerfully given away my 2 yesterday!!! Easter eggs got me thru - so much for being good!

MadB - aah thanks! Talking through with him prior is a great idea (and I didn't do it), and I think if i know what i'm going to do ahead of time, that will communicate to him really clearly what the boundaries (& consequences) are. Just talked to DH about it and we both agree that I will keep going (thank goodness it's not THAT expensive) as he was acting out in other similar situations and I think we do need to learn how to deal with it appropriately together. It's just funny when he is SO good in other situations. I can take him grocery shopping or the shopping centre and he's fantastic. I guess it's the neutral toys and sharing those neutral toys with other children which is really pressing his buttons. And lol re the lightning bolt, omg I wish there'd been some this morning.

Aimee - you said you didn't have help but actually your comment about little people acting out is so true! And we did leave, but I think I should have left earlier. He needs to know that his behaviour wasn't acceptable and that I just won't let it continue... I think if I could replay today that's what I'd do.

Mak - LOL re the easter eggs & thanks for saying I did a good job. I guess it really helps to be reminded that everyone goes through it when you've been the only one. It's ironic cos I know if I saw another mum doing it I'd just feel sympathetic not judgemental, so I really shouldn't assume they were judging me. Anyway I had a chai latte and three whole squares of chocolate (yeah I lashed right out huh!). Then DD decided to yell for a while (teething), then DS woke early from his nap and yup, I was that close to listing two small children on ebay! :rolleyes: but ya know, I guess there's rules against that kinda thing. But I've had lunch and I'm feeling a bit more sane. I have a friend coming over for a playdate this arvo which I was nanoseconds away from cancelling but have decided to go ahead & see how he behaves... will show whether he's really under the weather or it really was the new environment. And I'll try again next week. Fingers crossed!

I'm glad it helped :)
I also find that when we do have to leave, if I do it in a punitive way she doesn't learn, but if I turn it into a positive thing it really benefits her. Children really can't help the way they feel and act so punishing them for it does nothing.
I really identify with positive parenting. If I sense that she is not coping with a group setting I will often call her on her behaviour as a warning, and if the behaviour continues I will let her know we are leaving so we can go for a walk to calm down, rather than because she has been naughty.
We will usually talk about why we left, and how she was feeling. Usually I get told that x was making her frustrated or she couldn't concentrate because y was too noisy, which at this point she recognises those feelings but doesn't know how to react to them, so she lashes out. I think it really helps to do this so that she can develop coping strategies to new feelings, and so she can understand that what she is feeling is normal and quite ok, but that there are better ways of reacting to them.

it sounds like you did a good job - you tried some different techniques with him & when they didn't work, you removed him from the situation - which hopefully stopped both of you getting any more worked up (cos it's not worth the emotional drain really, is it?!). did he calm down after you left? do you think it's the size of the group that upsets him? maybe it's because it's something new? sharing is tough for them as well. my DS doesn't get too upset but there's one little guy at playgroup who always wants the same toy as my DS & then cracks it if he can't have it. but i'm lucky in that our playgroup session is two mum's groups put together so we've known all the other mums & kids for ages.

i'm pretty clueless with my DS sometimes & don't stay as calm as i should. i also understand the whole idea that they play up for you & not anyone else. i try to put a positive spin on it - like they feel safest with us so they feel able to push boundaries. or something like that ;)

:hug: i hope the play date goes well this afternoon :hug: