Dealing with competitiveness

It could be post natal hormones playing on me, but lately I find that if (for example) I state that I lost xx kilos in one month, someone else is quick to pop up and state that they have lost more. All of a sudden an achievement I was proud of - almost seems embarrassing and not good enough.

Whilst I am happy for whatever the other person has achieved, I hate the feelings, which I 'own' by the way, that those achievements bring me.

A minor example (one that bamboozles me - as this one doesn't bother me...) is dd2 weighing 4.1 kg's at birth; a relative keeps reminding me it was only because she was 8 days 'over', whereas another baby was born and weighed 3.2 kg's, and that was only because that baby was early... Then the relative texts me this arvo to state she knows of a baby born this week and weighed over 5 kg's. Honestly, I'm not phased who has the biggest baby, but why does this relative keep raising the topic with me? Almost in a defensive manner, but is unprovoked. Ok, this example is probably more about the relatives feelings, not mine, so may be best disregarded ;).

I have mostly felt that i am not taken seriously, and that my '2 cents' aren't valued, which honestly pi$$Es me off when it comes to topics that I do know a lot about. At work I don't feel this way, but with extended family I always have.

I need to know how to just be happy with 'me' and my achievements, and not compare myself to others or be bothered that someone might not value my opinion.

Sorry if I have rambled.

Any hints?

I think the key to this is accepting the situation. Not necessarily trying to figure out WHY your extended family are like this but just accepting that they are and there's not really anything you can do about it.

I'll give you an example. I have spent a large part of the last few years trying to figure out my DSD. Trying to figure out why she behaves the way she does and how I can help her see the error of her ways. I've really driven myself bonkers about it. I feel much happier and peaceful now that I've accepted that I've really tried my best, I can't change her and we may never get along that well.

I think in your situation, I would probably have a word with the people who are making you feel the way you do and if that doesn't work, then you know that you've done what you can and then try to accept that they're dills.

I think spending time trying to 'figure' people out and why they operate the way they do, only exhausts you and makes it even more frustrating. My advice - focus on YOU and your achievements and how proud of yourself you are and focus on how noone is like you. You are your own person. :D Don't ever allow others to make you feel useless or less important then them. If you allow them to make you feel that way, then you've given them the power. Does that make sense? Don't allow them too ;)

Positive thoughts ;)

My brother is like that. I just give him a look of boredom. lol.

With regards to the weight loss or something else that matters to you, its probably because you have high expectations of yourself and when you see / hear others 'beating' you, it's because you naturally push yourself that your first thought is 'oh, i could have done better - if she/he can do it, then I can do it'. I don't think there is really too much you can do to change this because its a part of you & your makeup and is what drives you to achieve things. I think if you can change your thinking to perhaps being inspired to do better next time rather than disappointed in your current result (and this relates to lots of things, not only weight loss :)) then you can use the emotion rather than getting upset by it.

With regards to not being listened to by extended family -when you have the answer can you send it my way?? :rolleyes:

I think the others have hit the nail on the head with accepting people as being that way, and focusing more on you. Making it about having a personal best - yesterday you did 30min of exercise, today you want to beat yourself by doing 35min, that kind of thing. You are the only one of you out there, so the only person who can compete with you fairly is yourself! Just because someone might have lost more weight than you this week, doesn't make your achievement any less - for all you know they only lost that much more because they had so much more weight to lose initially!

My sister is one of those people who has to take everything anyone else does as a challenge - if our older sister buys a new car, she has to buy a new car, if one of her friends starts on a diet, she has to start on a diet - that kind of thing. She also takes anyone 'beating' her at those things as a personal insult. Apparently my being pg with twin girls is something I did on purpose simply to **** her off, so she hates me right now. The thing is, while we all know she really just needs to grow up, at 32 years of age we've all accepted that there isn't much we can do to change her, so we just work around her, and do our own things. Its pretty much like Emc2 does - we just give her a bored look, or say 'thats nice' or 'well done' if its warranted, and go back to what we were doing.

My extended family don't listen to me either so no advice there! I just hang out for those times when I get to do my told-you-so dance, it seems to make up for it!

Leesa,

I have similar issues with my family, as well as with the other mums that I seem to be meeting. EVERYONE wants to compare, brag and have one up on anything and everyone, from labour length, pregnancy length, birth weight, age of first teeth, first sat up, first crawled, etc etc etc.

The competitiveness drives me insane. I don't think there is much you can do about these people. I generally respond with a 'thats nice', then change the subject, or politely end the conversation. I have no intention of speaking to people who act like that. They often make me feel like I'm not good enough, or not doing anything the right way. I don't need that. And neither do you...

Thanks ladies for your replies :) - I really appreciate it!

Winter - you are quite right, i do have quite high expectations of myself, especially in the fitness realm ;). Lol, the only thing I can do to combat that issue (pardon the pum lol) is actually exercise - which due to the c/s I 'shouldn't' do just yet, but I'm thinking some gentle static cycling can't hurt. I am confident that I have the know how to lose the excess weight, its just having to 'take it easy' for a few more weeks is killing me lol!

Strawberry Fields - I can't believe your sister thinks you being pg with twins is to pi$$ her off, what the?!?!

I guess the thing is - how do I just switch off those feelings? If I am kept busy and mentally stimulated I am fine as I feel confident, but in those 'low' moments, or constant repetition that I have trouble getting rid of those bad feelings. And I'm staring at the next few months of winter weather indoors whilst on maternity leave :/

i am sure this is even about competitiveness.

i read your post, and what hits me, is that you share something you've just achieved (e.g lost a certain amount of weight) and instead of the person you're telling this, being glad for you, or acknowledging the positiveness of what you've achieved, they are IMMED into comparisions. So YOU lost X? i lost X+2.

So instead of your listener being supportive, they go into comparisions.

that makes you feel not listened to, like your achievement was belittled.

i get that.

i noticed in my early mother's group, so many mums were like that, every topic turned into comparisions. Even if that was not the purpose of raising the topic. It made me feel like so many topics were off limits, cos i didn't want to start a comparision thing going, just cos i said one thing about OUR situation.

it really taught me to "pick my battles", and really be choosey about who i discussed many topics with. to find supportive people that wouldn't jump into comparisions, when i wanted to talk about my stuff. Not easy.

Leesa, I'm happy for you that you are losing your baby weight, be proud of your achievements. People who don't celebrate them with you, do not have your best interests at heart.

i had people (around me when bilby arrived) go ON AND ON about her birthweight, negatively, and it really peed me off too. i kept thinking "you've just arrived, we both nearly died and all these idiots can say is how massive you are, how can they be so insensitive, i've waited five years for you to be here, you are here, you're alive and i think you're beautiful, i don't care what you weigh. bubs are meant to have baby fat, it's fine". i told myself all this, to cope with all the sledging - well that's what it felt like at the time. Slights. As if she wasn't the "right" weight. (she came out at 42 weeks). The weight seems so arbitrary, who freaking cares what the bub weighs? i figured her being alive was the main thing. I couldn't work out why these same people couldn't just be happy for me, instead of coming out with such downers.

they did such a good job of brainwashing me, i went home thinking, she'll skip the 0000 clothing i had ready for her. Nope, we still needed them. argh!

You've also hit the nail on the head Gigi - and so well worded too hun! Thank you for sharing. And I totally understand you about bubs weight topic too. (At least Bilby still got to enjoy those 0000 sized clothes ;))!

What is even more odd is that I am still honestly happy for the other people and whatever their achievements are, I really do. But yeah, its just the cancelling out of my achievement that gets me. Where would I find the 'off' switch for those feelings?

Comparisons and one-upmanship is a basic part of human nature I think. It's a facet of their self perception, the need to seem "better" than someone else to bolster their sense of self worth. Some competition can be healthy, it drives us to take that extra step, to improve and keep going. But so much competiveness comes from a place of negativity and is less about being competitive than dragging down our fellows.

I try to remind myself that while I don't have control over someone else's actions, I do have control over my reaction to them. I can choose whether to accept the minimisation and belittling of my achievement and let it get to me, or I can choose to see it for what it is and rise above it. I'll admit, it doesn't always work - but the majority of time I do manage to smile, congratulate them and carry on. The weird thing is that often this reaction confuses the heck out of them - they're just really not expecting it, expecting instead that I play the game.

FWIW, I think your weight loss is awesome and offer you my congratulations. And congratulations on the birth of your amazing baby too :)

That makes a lot of sense to me cranky kitten....my choice to determine how the comment/s will affect me - hmmm, I like it :D

Thanks everyone for your replies :)

Mwah!