Need adivce about DF's eldest daughter

Hi all,

Ok, so I think I have a major dilema on my hands. I will try and keep this short, so sorry if it isn't, but I want to include all the details so you can maybe give me some advice.

DF left his ex almost 6 years ago. He moved out of home and went to live with his brother. He lived there for 6 months (single). We worked together but were never really 'buddy buddy', although I knew he left his wife. I was never attracted to him in all the time we've worked together, but one day after he was already living with his brother (for around 4 months) he asked me out to dinner. I accepted, but I was only going out with him as I felt a bit sorry for him, little did I know I would start liking him! After 6 months at his brother's (and us seeing each other for about 2 months) he moved in with me. I knew he had 3 grown kids (girl E (now 27), girl J (now 23), boy N (now 19)), but he wanted to wait a couple of months more before telling them about us. The only people that knew about us was my family and that's it. Not even his family (brothers/sisters/mum) knew. Finally the kids were told and sh** hit the fan. The two daughters turned up to my work and in front of all my workmates, the older one E abused me and called me a home wrecker. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words.

About 6 months later it was his younger daughter J's 18th and my DF asked her if we could take her out to dinner. It was a big step for me as I dreaded her reception (when she came in with her older sister she never said anything, she was there for support). We hit it off straight away and now 5 years later, we are pretty close. His son N took a while longer but he came around too, he is a really great kid.

His eldest did not contact her dad for years. He would try and talk to her but all he got was abuse. She still lived at home and her mum was feeding her awful lies of what actually happened in the marriage and how the dad didn't love them. The ex is a child psychologist, you'd think she knew better. The eldest bought it all, she hated her dad. Never a xmas or birthday card. When we were pg with out first, her dad called her to tell her the news so she didn't hear it from anyone else, all she said was 'so you're trying to replace me now'. When we lost Josh half way through our pg, she never contacted her dad. That has crushed me so much, her dad was devastated.

Fast forward to last year......she got married. DF knew about the engagement and was constantly calling her to patch things up so he could come to the wedding. Finally, she 'allowed' him to be there. Her mum walked her down the boat ramp (it was on a ship). I was never invited, which I expected. By that time we had our DS who at the time was 2 months old. A few months passed after the wedding and she called him to meet for a coffee. Since then, he has been seeing her regularly at her house.

This is where my problem lies.........When there was some limited 'talk' before she got married, her dad always said that we are a package. She can't have a relationship with him if it does not involve me. Well, he has been seeing her for a few months now, and I feel that he has broken his word as we are definitely not a 'package' right now going by his actions. I don't really know what I want, the thought of her makes my blood boil for how she has treated her own dad and her half brother when he died. I am still so so angry with her. It's like I hate the fact that DF hasn't kept his word, but at the same time I don't want to meet up with her to resolve things. I would need a massive apology first, and still I don't know if I can forgive her actions. And I know for a fact that she still blames me for the break up, so that's definitely not on the cards.

Any input, thought,s opinions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, and sorry it ended up this long!

B xox

I've had similar things happen with family members. My step-dad's kids treated him like crap after he left their mother. I think adult children are less understanding. They ignored him, treated him badly, then treated my Mum badly after they met and got married. Mum tried so hard to support him when there was some thawing and his daughter finally let him have a relationship. But after years of it, it just got so draining for her to be ignored.

In the end, she decided she just didnt want to be there when he visited his family. It was soon after Leo died, it helped her prioritise. Life is too short to waste with people who treat you like crap. It's more important to spend time with the people who love you. So now, he sees his family on his own. Mums happier and less stressed. She still supports him but doesnt have to put up with the crap. My SD's learnt better boundaries too - he will make arrangements to do some things, but not when it's always on their terms, IYKWIM. One of kids has only just started to contact him after nearly 20 years at the age of 40. Talk about needing to grow the hell up! But the way SD has started dealing with it means he's less stressed to, not so much of a walk over.

I'd let it go, if I were you. TBH, she sounds like a self-absorbed, immature, first class *****. Let him have a relationship with her, so long as it doesnt negatively impact his time with you and DS. Let her go - you dont need that bitterness in your life.

Oh Tash, how could families be so horrible? I can't believe one of your SD's kids only made contact after 20 years....that's so bad. The thing is, I would be happy to just let it go, but what about DS? Is he going to miss out on life with his step sister? She said to DF that she wanted to meet him. Yeah right! The other thing is that I know DF hopes that one day we'll work it out, but I'm just not sure. I think the final straw came when she failed to contact her dad when we lost Josh. How could someone be so bloo** rude! Also, when Cam was born, still no congrats, no card, no call, no text or anything. I think you're so right hun, she is so self absorbed and self centered it's not funny! And very very immature. Thanks for your advice and for sharing your story :)

I get how angry and hurt you are, I get how unreasonable your dh's daughter acted and I get the promises that were made and they make sense etc etc BUT there has obviously been A LOT of hurt there on both parts and misunderstanding and anger and all sorts of emotions. This is a grown adult child and I think that makes it a lot different to a child child, yes she needs to respect you etc but you're not her mum, she is an adult and I think if she needs to see just her dad for a while then just let it happen. Its only been a couple of months, we're not talking years here and I realy think she will come around eventually, maybe get your dh to suggest a public dinner or something with you 2 so its a comfortable relaxed setting but I think don't rock the boat of a relationship that is rocky and I think don't make ur husband pick etc. After all consider if you and dh split up and he had a new partner and it was ur ds that was feeling how ur stepdaughter is feeling, I'm sure you wouldnt want the new partner stepping into the relationship between your dh and son, I think just give it time to heal and evolve

Jas, I know I'm not her mum, she already has one. I know there has been a lot of hurt, she has blamed her father for leaving for many years. Yet just before her father left she told him that she understood that he was unhappy and told him to go and look for happiness. Yet when he did she didn't like it anymore. It's always been about her all her life, she's been very spoiled. I'm never going to get my DF to chose between his daughter and me, that is not me. I don't believe in that sort of thing. All I'm saying is that I'm finding it very hard to let go of the 'hurt' it has been done to me and especially to my DF. It might have to be that she's never going to be a part of my life. I hope I'm wrong, but time will only tell. I just wanted to hear of what people thought of my DF seeing his daughter alone when he said we are part of the 'team'. Thanks for your insight hun :)

What a tough situation to be in Miss B. In understand how hard separation/divorce can be. My parents divorced when I was around 25 and yes you would think it was easier but it wasn't. My Mum re partnered quite quickly to a man that I wasn't really sure of. We had a rocky patch for a little while but have worked things out. I was married around 2 years after the separation and my Mum's partner wasn't invited, not out of hatred but more respect for my father who still wasn't in a good place.
Now I certainly tolerate my Mum's now husband, and would never be rude to him but things are so much easier when she visits on her own. I guess it just feels like our family, we know our whole history etc.

I think your DF daughter is as you said one very spoilt and self centered person, and quite frankly I don't know how she can really be truely happy when she has so much hatred in her. So that being said I sort of echo what Tash said, I would just let your DF have his relationship with his daughter for now, who knows may in one, two, five years time she might reach maturity but in the mean time I really don't think she is someone that I would want to be around my child, I would worry about how she would act about a sibling that she had trouble even acknowleding. Focus on his children that are a part of your life, your son will develop his own relationship with them. It is her regret to have in life not yours.

Shes not a child, she's an adult behaving like a child!

I'd be a bit ****ed about them meeting up like that too. But I don't think you should take on your husbands hurt. If he has dealt with it and is happy with the current situation then that's his decision. As much as you might not agree I've discovered it's best to try and accept it.
How you have been, or are being hurt is different, its your pain, and you can change it.

Have you spoken to your hubby about it makes you feel when he meets up with her alone? She sounds pretty manipulative, bet she feels like she's 'winning' some stupid un-winnable thing by making sure you're left out. He doesn't have to chose between you two, but it would be nice if he encouraged her to show some respect. It might not happen in a hurry but if you knew he was working on it maybe you'd feel better.

Maybe I'm a hard-arse, but IMO, your son isn't missing out on anything not having a relationship with a spoilt brat who didnt acknowlege his brother's death. He has a relationship with the siblings who care about him. Thats all he needs. The brat can take a long walk off a short pier.

I've found that those people who are worth your while are there during the lowest point in your life. For me, that was my son's death. Anyone in my life at that time who did not acknowledge him in some way is no longer a part of my life. I'll spend my energy on the people I love and who love me. So that's why maybe I seem harsh. IMO, E's made her choices, she can accept the consequences. She's nearly 30 ffs.

She's not worth your time or your energy.

Thanks so much ladies, I really appreciate your perspective/advice :)

Megs, I hear what you're saying about DS. She's not acknowledged her half brothers at all, Cam is not missing out on anything with her. He's got two other gorgeous, kind hearted siblings that love him to death. That's enough for me.

Jumnglemum, I have spoken to DF about the meetings a few times. I'm always in a vile mood when he goes, but I bite my tongue as I know how important it is for him to have that contact now after many years of silence. She is very manipulative and that's the first thing I said to DF, 'she must be pretty happy she's got you coming all by yourself, she must feel like she's separated the 'package' that the two of us make up (well three now) and that she's won'. DF has always felt very guilty for leaving the kids behind as he was a lot closer to all of them than the ex was (hence why they got spoilt rotten even more when he moved out of his ex's to compensate for the guilt). When the kids were in school the ex went to uni to do her degree and would come home late each day and DF was doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking the kids to their sports etc. I think he still feels the guilt now. I told him to do councelling and he's gone a few times but then he stopped.

Tash, I know you understand me completely when I talk about Josh. Losing him tore my heart out as did DF's, but to have not acknowledge his passing at all was just a big stab in the heart, my own but more so my DF's. That's his own daughter ffs, grow up!
Luckily all my friends were very supportive when we lost Josh, but if there was someone that didn't (hello, we have a pretty good example here) I would also want them out of my life.