help in building confidence?

Hi all;

DD1 has always being shy, reserved, and very quiet. Of late I have noticed that it seems like she is lacking confidence in herself. She is always expressing how she cant do something, that she needs help. She always wants to hold hands in doing everything. Shes even afraid to try new things.
From day dot she has never taken compliments well. When we do give her a compliment or encouragement, she freezes. Say we compliment her for trying a new food, she wont eat that food again. Its the same with everything.

How do you build confidence and help to remove fear in kids especially her young age? I want to be able to encourage her..

:hug: Sounds pretty difficult to deal with - I'm only guessing here because my DD is quite adventurous (sometimes a little too much) and game to try anything. But I am wondering if when she's expressing that she can't do it or wanting help it's partly seeking attention? Whether maybe you're coming on a bit strong with the encouragement/assistance rather than simply expressing that you have confidence in her and giving the odd suggestion then letting her work it out for herself? One of DD's friends was a little like this - the more you'd encourage her or attempt to convince her to have a go the more she'd back off but if you generally didn't pay much attention to her she'd get curious and have a go.

I'd also maybe try giving her plenty of positive attention that's not tied into any particular action or anything - so instead of complimenting her for doing x, just compliment her on being her. Build up the message she's ok just as she is. DD loves it when I walk past with a "hey you know what - you're beautiful"

I've read stuff on this and was trying to remember the name of the book... can't sorry.

What I can remember - confidence and self esteem comes from achievement. So compliments really don't help - and in fact people with low self esteem simply don't believe them.
Sounds like she is reinforcing the message of low esteem by telling herself she can't do things. There's a cycle of negative thinking here too - I do something (wrong) - mum compliments me (lie) - I can't do it right (dont' try next time).

I'm not sure what exactly to do about it, sorry. I was like this as a child and still am to a certain degree so can relate. It's something I started to work out once I found something I did well and was able to recognise my own self worth. Is there anything your daughter enjoys doing parricularly, or that she's good at? Maybe when she does things you can try talkign more about what she did, rather than whether it pleased you or you think it's good (you probably think it's all good :)) - she needs to see for herself if she does something well.

Thanks ladies!!

CK- I think sometimes she is after the attention, and a lot of the time I think it is out of fear. Shes also at that age where they just do not like losing to anyone. So whenever she loses she just gives up (so much like me)

MadB, Im the same Ive always had shocking self esteem, and when I see her backing out of things, I honestly see myself. And that scares me, I so want to build her up so she can do the things I always wanted to do but never had the guts to do it.
DD1 just absolutely loves swimming. Its her love in life. Which up until this year she was doing fantastic, this year however she loves but everytime they have to do something that she isnt good enough at (in her own mind) she backs out. She hates that she isnt as fast as the other kids, and wants so badly to catch up to them all (she spends all week asking me to help her learn to be as good as them, but then at lessons complains that they arent waiting for her).
On a normal day to day basis compliments are fairly rare (which I hate, cause I just want to shower them both with so much love). Ive learnt that sometimes she is happier if we dont acknowledge everything.

I understand that logic Madb, it actually makes sense to me..

I just want her to be confident, I want her to be happy in her body and know she can do anything she puts her mind too. I wish there was a magic fix for her and so many others who lack the self esteem. :(

I know what you mean beans, I want the same for my kids.
I reckon it's always important to lead by example - what are you doing to improve your self esteem? Do you back out of things you think you aren't good enough for?
I really have to force myself sometimes, and it's just little by little - a work in progress. I guess we need to portray ourselves as being 'ok as us' first :dunno:

I have a son who is like this. At home he is great but put him in public and he can freeze. They had a magician at school he said it was scary, I asked him why he was scared and his reply was because he was scared he was going to make him get up on the stage.

I haven't read this book but have meant to buy it, I'm pretty sure it was called The Highly Sensitive Child, I think someone on BB recommended it a year or so ago.

Thank you,

Im going to hunt that book down :D

Madb, I was reading something recently about how how our relationship with ourselves impacts on our childs relationship with themself. Since then I focus a lot on how I carry myself, how I treat myself and how I represent myself to others. Surely that will have benefits all round?!

That makes perfect sense, and yeah, good for all of you!