VENT/ADVICE:Don't know what to do...trying to be strong but my heart is breaking!

This could be long...........

DS1 is 3 in August. He has always been hit and miss with his eating. Tonight DH and I put our foot down and agreed that he needs to start eating his night time meals, or he gets nothing else. The kids get what we eat, unless it's something they will totallyjust not eat and I will make a different meal for the both of them. He will regularly just refuse to eat anything. We have never made him eat anything ever. I always really try to encourage him to try everything and always put all of what we are eating on his plate no matter if I know he won't eat it. It's there for him to see, experiment with, throw around the table(j/k) whatever, I don't stress if he doesn't eat it. He will usually eat a little of a meal, maybe just a bit of pasta, or carrot, or baked potato but nearly always he was something. I always make sure there is something in the meal he will eat, and give him extra of whatever that is. I try to only put a little amount of food on his plate so I don't overwhelm him. Snacks in the afternoon are stopped at about 3.30pm, dinner is about 6ish. In the past, I have usually offered the kids some fruit or a carrot if they didn't eat their dinner, and there is usually some grapes or other fruit on a tabel they can reach after dinner too. But DS1 has started to refuse to eat and say he will just have a carrot or apple. So we decided to stop this in hope it will help him eat his night time meal.

Tonight, DH made crumbed fish, oven chips and salad. I knew he wouldn't eat the salad. Possibly not the fish either, though he will sometimes. But I thought he'd have his chips. It's almost always a guarentee that he will eat chips! But tonight, he absolutely flatly refused to eat anything. He tried every thing in his little repertiore of tricks to get someone else to eat his food. He seems to think he just needs to have food gone off his plate, not that he needs to be the one eating it. But tonight, everyone refused. DH tried to blackmail him with the frozen yogurt he was going to give the kids after dinner. But it didn't work.

Even when he and DD were sitting at the table eating it and DS1 was sitting there with his dinner in fromt of him, watching them with his little chin resting on the table and his big eyes watching. OMG, I though my heart would break for him.

Then later I found out DH had not given the kids an afternoon snack at all. Nothing since lunch time at 12.30. DS1 had a vegemite sandwich, a small orange and half a small packet of chips for lunch. As well as half a cup of soy milk. Then nothing after that.

DS1 was acting up after dinner and DH was getting really cranky at him. I think it was just because he was so starving. He must have been really hungry, but he just flatly refused to eat his dinner. It stayed ont he table until just before he went to bed. We explained he just had to eat a little bit of it and he could have a little bit of frozen yogurt, but nope, he wouldn't. He went to bed without eating since 12.30 today. I could hear him crying to DH that he wanted the frozen yogurt. I was in tears getting DS2 to bed for my little man. My heart just broke for him. DH is adament that he will teach DS1 to eat dinner. I do want him to eat too, but I just don't want to have to see him suffer like that. Is he old enough now to 'get' the consequence of eating/not eating? (ie, if he does eat he will be full and satiated. If he doesn't eat, he will be hungry and not get any other food, or he has to have the healthy foods before he gets the not so healthy stuff)

Are we doing the right thing?? I want DS1 to eat a better range of foods. He doesn't eat meat hardly at all, the occaisional sausage, very occaisionally crumbed fish or chicken peices. He just doesn't seem to like dinner. He won't eat a dinner-like meal for lunch. I have tried. But he will always eat something after dinner, liek an apple. He eats way too much bread, crackers,pasta/rice ect. He will eat fruit (my only saving grace!) The only veggies he will eat is raw carrots and the occaisional small cob of corn (though he hasn't done that for ages now) sometimes baked potato. He doesn't eat eggs, baked beans or much cheese. I worry he doesn't get enough protien or iron. He has a multi vitamin each day.

I am just so torn over just being strong and thinking DH's way, that he's learnt bad habbits (taught to him by us!!) and just needs to be shown it won't be tolerated any longer or being more lenient and trying to ride it out, and put it down to him just being a child and this being his way. He is just such a stubbourn willful boy!

Any help or comiserations are welcome.

Oh I feel your pain. My DD1 is exactly the same. Rarely eats dinner no matter what we do. We even do the nothing after if you don't eat. Rarely works. But she is still growing, and sleeps well. She really likes her breakfast though! I am hoping she will grow out of it, but I refuse to stress about it.

ETA and she is also very stubborn as well. Can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

I don't have much advice because I haven't been in this situation.. Only thing I can offer is maybe give him dinner earlier? He could possibly be too tired by 6. Sometimes we eat dinner at 4:30 but most nights it is 5:30ish (at the latest) although the last 2 nights have been 6 and the kids were feral but I am going off topic now

Can he help you prepare any part of the meal? Maybe when you go to the shops get him to put the veggies in the bag, pick out the meat (with your guidance) Then when you get home he can put the veges in the saucepan ect...

I don't have much advice because I haven't been in this situation.. Only thing I can offer is maybe give him dinner earlier? He could possibly be too tired by 6. Sometimes we eat dinner at 4:30 but most nights it is 5:30ish (at the latest) although the last 2 nights have been 6 and the kids were feral but I am going off topic now

Can he help you prepare any part of the meal? Maybe when you go to the shops get him to put the veggies in the bag, pick out the meat (with your guidance) Then when you get home he can put the veges in the saucepan ect...

negotiation seems to work here, eat x amount or no dessert, it works, some nights DD2 wont want much other nights asks for seconds, but needs to eat a certain amount to get dessert.
its tough, but i would persist, otherwise could there be an underlying issues? did he have reflux as a child? could he still have it and laying down at night make it flair up

:hug:

Aw Hun. All I can say is no kid has ever starved themselves to death.
I think you are on the right track. I think I would do the same. After all it's not just about an empty plate, but his health too.

TBH I don't know whether you're doing the right thing or not, all I know is that food issues are really, really common at this age and we're having them too. I think lots of kids don't like much meat or green veggies but will eat lots of fruit.

My approach is much the same as yours has been. Always put something on DD1's plate that she will eat, along with other stuff. No fruit after dinner unless she at least 'tries' the other stuff and no yummy dessert (if we're having any, which is not often) unless she cleans her plate. Stuff she will eat: pasta, mashed potato, roast potato, wedges, roast pumpkin, peas, chicken, sausage, rice. So there is always one of those on her plate which makes dinner reasonably simple as I either cook a pasta, something with rice or meat and two veg.

I think your DS is among the average of what 3yo's can be like for eating. For me, I don't think I could send any child to bed who has not had food since midday, so by the looks of it there was some bad timing there with starting to be stricter with not eating dinner.

One thing to try, which is more what we do with our eldest, it to put the plate in the fridge. If they are hungry later, that evening they can eat off their plate. Of course I don't mean go to the extremes of serving up for breakfast or anything like that, just the hour or so after dinner. Sometimes I just found our DD1 would not touch much of dinner, then be hungry 20 minutes later and happy to eat some then.

It is so hard, I know how you feel there. I think keep consistent with what happens with dinner, but just make sure he is having a snack of the afternoon.

oh Kell :hug: my heart's breaking for you.

I have no sage advice. Nate rarely eats dinner - you know when he does cos I post it on facebook!! So the frustration I get totally.
The frustration with a technique you don't whole heartedly agree with I get too :hug:

Personally I think that age is too little to understand longer term consequences - like it's a long time between dinner and brekkie and I can prevent being hungry by eating my dinner even though I don't like it/feel like it/want it.

Not that I give in. But I figure the world isn't going to stop if he doesn't eat his evening meal like everyone else. He'll get it eventually. If that's his little bit of control, cool. I have more life changing battles to fight. I do make sure he has plenty to eat during the day. Hell often I don't even feel like dinner.

I've watched my sister fight with her DS over every evening meal....he. eats. nothing. He's 8.

I find with Pip, even now, that he will sometimes not eat cause he wants (i think?) the attention he used to get when he was younger - so I will feed him with his fork etc. And then he knows that I won't take him out to cafes while shopping (which is "us" time) unless he has good manners. So we've a kind of truce happening. Other things we try is giving DH a bite of Pip's food, or me - that tends to make him upset!

:hug: good luck

I'm glad you posted this, we are going through a similar 3 year old food refusal...

We do similar to Astrid, if she doesn't eat it, it goes in the fridge and she can go back to it after her bath before bed.

Another thing we have started doing (which has worked well) is putting small amounts of food on her plate (so it's not a daunting task), so that she will be able to finish and is allowed to ask for more.

Also with salads, I cut everything up separately and put it on a long platter and she can select her veggies.
Today she took carrot, tomato, cucumber and lettuce leaves. She didn't eat the leaves (knew she wouldn't) but she had the control as to what was on her plate.

Someone else mentioned control, I figure if I give her control over some aspects, she eats better as she has chosen itms.

I also use the dessert option as a trade off... We make jelly each week and she gets a small pot after dinner if she wants it and she has eaten her dinner.

I completely understand your frustration :hug: sometimes I dread meal times :(


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Thanks everyone, you have helped me feel more confident in persisting to get him to eat his dinner. I just never had these sort of problems with DD. She has always been a reasonable eater!
I will be making a yummy breaky for him tomorrow! Maybe some french toast (the only way I can get eggs into him!).....

We used to have dinner earlier, at 5/5.30, but I thought because he usually sleeps from 1-3.30ish, that a 5.30 dinner was too soon after their snack, and I didn't want to not give them a snack after their sleeps! So I just made dinner that little bit later, and it suits DH and I better too.

He does help with shopping and sometimes with cooking. I should get him into the kitchen more I suppose, I don't because he can be so airy fairy though, he finds it hard to listen and concerntrate for very long, very easily distracted by the silliest, smallest things...the attention span of a fly (I can see his school reports now)!

I have tried negotiating with him too, pretending to 'steal' his food...feeding him...bribery...all of it! If DH or I eat his food though, he thinks that's good and often asks us to eat it. I think he thinks if it's gone, then that's what we want, it doesn't matter that it wasn't him that ate it! But if he decides he's not eating there is nothing in this world that will make him choose to eat it! As for an underlying issue...I have never thought of that! I think he may have had reflux when he was tiny, I could never get my GP to officially diagnose it, but figured he grew out of it because he settled at about 6ish months. He could have it I suppose, and just not know how to tell me. I do get it and DH's brother has it really badly (requiring surgery). But how would I know?

I keep his food on the table for him for at least an hour. Generally meal times are for about 30-45mins where I want them to sit and participare in family time and the meal, though DS1 is often up and down and goes to play with a train here and fluff about with something else there for a minute or two (as I said, attention span of a fly!). After that his food will just stay on the plate and he can go back to it if he wants (DD used to do this and would often finish a meal before she went to bed, but just a tiny bit at a time over an hour or so). Uless it's something that will go really horrible in that time, I don't bother putting it into the fridge. Then the kids start their bed time routine at 7ish- brush teeth, get comfort toys, faff about diong what ever they do before bed, then stories a few songs sung and it's sleepy time. So if we eat at 6ish, finish at about 6.45, then his food is left until about 7ish which is when I clear the table anyhow. Then it gets thrown out.

Just wanted to mention too, I didn't find out that he hadn't eaten since midday until it was about 15mins before bed time for him. DH and I had persisted for so long that he needed to eat his dinner that I didn't want to go back and say 'Oh, ok, here eat this...'and give him an apple or something because he wouldn't have understood that the only reason I had given him food was because it had been so long sing he's eaten. DH told me after he put him to sleep, that DS1 had eaten a few (small) mandarines (maybe 2) off the tree this afternoon at about 5pm, so that could explain why he didn't eat. But still two small mandarines is by no means enough food for anyone! I think that was the main reason for my tears. He must have been so hungry the poor little bugger. But maybe that might teach him he should eat his dinner! Gosh I hope we don't have such a terrible time tomorrow.....

We went through this too, this is what works for us-

Firstly only two cups of milk a day one in the morning and one after dinner if dd eats it all. No snacks after 4pm.

Dinner we make sure the different types of food is not touching, it can't be too hot and if it's a new vegie she has to try it. If dd doesn't eat it then nothing else is offered, like others we give her until after her bath to eat. It took a lot of tears but she knows now and eats most nights. Cutting back milk made a big difference she will eat a lot now, it used to be a struggle.

:hug: I try not to fuss if they don't eat their dinner (don't always succeed).
Breakfast is the really important meal of the day and from a health perspective we should eat like a king at breakfast and a pauper at dinner. Sometimes I think that our children's instincts tell them how to eat correctly (lots of breakfast, snacks through the day and a tiny dinner) and we spend our time training them to ignore their instincts and eat the way we have become used to.
If you focus on making sure that he has a hearty breakfast and access to a variety of healthy snacks during the day then it's no biggy if he doesn't eat much at dinner.

I had issues with both girls from time to time, but the best thing that I have come accross is asking them "how many mouthfuls of X food do you think you need to eat to be finished" sort of giving them some control in their eating, where mummy and daddy get to choose just about everything else in their lives. Often the girls are so worked up in answering the question that they answer with a much bigger answer than you will be expecting.
Otherwise as a child, mum would put any left over dinner back in the fridge and that would be breakfast, I used to enjoy lasagne for breakfast. DD1 often will have left over cooked vegis as her fruit/vegi break for school because of this.

:hug: It's tough when they dig their heels in like that. But it is true that no kid will ever starve themselves - and you're doing really well leaving his dinner accessible for him to go back to but not giving in and giving him fruit as an alternative. Keep being consistent, keep offering new foods and variety without making it a big deal.

And it is worth it in the long run, fussy kids miss out on the fun stuff associated with food, the messy and tasty beauty of it.