My worst nightmare came true...

I have never been stabbed in the heart with a sharp instrument, but I imagine it to feel something like what I'm feeling now...

To believe that you are three months pregnant, when in fact your body contains no baby at all, well, that would have to be one of life's ultimate cruelties.

Sadly, I now know firsthand the meaning of reaching 12 weeks in a pregnancy. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is a not a magical milestone that means you will have a healthy baby. It is just a number. For me, it will never be a reason to celebrate. The only milestone I will ever bear to celebrate is the birth of our child. Until I can hold our baby in my arms, I won't allow myself to celebrate.

How sad!

It is so very devastatingly true that once you have suffered a miscarriage or loss, you have lost that wonderful naivety that comes with falling pregnant. And that is such a terrible shame. Particularly when it is your very first pregnancy, when the mother and father are so very in love, and when they both desperately wanted to become parents.

I must confess, I have never felt confident in this pregnancy. Shame on me for saying so. But it's the truth. Right the moment those miraculous two little lines appeared on the home pregnancy test, I knew that something wasn't right.

I kept telling people...but everyoe told me I was being paranoid, negative, worrisome, silly. I tell you, I have never been so unhappy to be able to say, "I told you so"...

When we arrived at the ultrasound office, Anthony noticed a sign at reception advertising that DVD's were available for obstetric ultrasounds. He eagerly asked the receptionist to ensure that the sonographer record a DVD of our baby.

I just didn't have the heart to tell him not to bother, that we wouldn't be walking out of there with a DVD full of happy snaps of our unborn child.

A woman's intuition is quite an amazing thing. I fought my innermost feelings for five long weeks. I wish I'd listened to myself and had an earlier ultrasound. We might be trying to conceive again if I had. Instead, we are only just starting out on our journey of loss.

With my wonderful, precious husband by my side, holding my hand so tightly in his own I thought my bones would break, the sonographer placed the ultrasound tool on my belly and time seemed to stand almost still.

I knew that the news wouldn't be good. Anthony kept looking from the screen back to me, searching for answers. I couldn't bear to look at him yet - I knew I would lose it if my eyes met his.

The sonographer said, "There doesn't appear to be a baby..."

He kept trying, futilely.

In this moment of absolute devastation and despair, I was amazed at the calm relief that washed over me. I calmly asked him to measure the sac and tell me how far along I had been.

No tears yet. They would come later.

Anthony was holding my hand so tightly. He didn't understand. Or if he did, he didn't want to admit defeat.

I looked directly into his beautiful brown eyes and shook my head. He understood. I've never loved him more than I did in that moment.

After an internal examination to confirm the diagnosis, the sonographer left us alone for a few minutes. I stood up and leapt into Anthony's arms. And the tears finally came. They haven't stopped...

The consulting doctor let us sneak out the back door. We were thankful for her discretion. I couldn't bear sitting in the waiting room, all those pregnant bellies staring back at me.

A blighted ovum. Huh?! You're telling me that I never even grew an embryo inside me?? How can my very first pregnancy end so disastrously?? What did I do to deserve this? What did Anthony do to deserve this??

Surprisingly, the loss is easier to handle when I know that there was no baby to lose in the first place. I'm sure I was only dealt a hand that I could deal with. Seeing a lifeless baby on the screen would have been too much. Seeing a black, empty sac is bearable. Devastating, but bearable.

I underwent a D&C yesterday. We were at the hospital from 7:30 in the morning until 7:00 at night. What an epic! I had no more tears to cry by the end of the day. It was the most emotionally exhausting experience of my life.

The hardest part was having to tell my story to what felt like 50 different people. And I broke down with every one of them. Some told me that the baby had died. I kept wanting to tell them that no, there never was a baby. Didn't they understand that it was easier for me to believe that they would be taking an empty sac from my body and not a little baby???

Anthony was so wonderful. My precious husband didn't leave my side for a moment. He has been a tower a strength, putting aside his own emotions to make sure that his wife is OK. I always called him my knight in shining armour. He truly has earned that title this week.

I've been searching for meaning in all of this. Surely I must have a lesson to learn from so much heartbreak.

It's not enough to say that it just wasn't meant to be, or it just wasn't our time. There must be more to it than that.

There are a number of answers I can come up with. The first is luck. We were too lucky, this pregnancy came to us too easily. We fell pregnant within a couple of months of trying, in fact, in our first month of seriously trying. How easy was that!

We don't know what it's like to try for years to fall pregnant, unsuccessfully, to have heartbreak after heartache.

We had never experienced loss...until now.

Everything came to us so easily that maybe we took it for granted. Maybe we would not have fully appreciated a baby at this point because we barely had to try for it.

The second answer is happiness. Having gone through such a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking experience has really opened our eyes to all that we're missing out on in life.

Don't get me wrong, our marriage is strong and beautiful and gets better by the moment. We couldn't be happier together and are so in love that our hearts break every time we're apart. But maybe we've been missing the big picture. Maybe we've been letting work rule our lives. Maybe we've put too much emphasis on earning money and not enough emphasis on living a life that makes us both happy.

We've been talking about moving this week. Not running away. Just moving to a place that will make us happier. Having gone through this experience has given us the courage to make changes. And I think it will be changes for the better.

I know that we will fall pregnant again soon. And I have a good feeling about the next time around.

But I tell you what, our next little cherub will be loved and cherished so much more because I know that they could have been taken away from us in a heartbeat.

I know that we will fall pregnant again soon because Anthony is just so deserving of a child. He will be the perfect daddy. We just need to wait for the perfect child to come along who is worthy of his love.

And I know that I will make a damn good mummy. Please Universe, just give me the chance to prove it...

Love
Goldilocks
-xxxooo-

:hug: Goldilocks I know exactly how you feel, the same thing happened to us - we went for our scan and no bub. Your post was beautiful and made me weep alongside you. Just know that the paim does ease, it never disappears but you do deal with it. And you will have a bub. I noe hace beautiful Lucie and am due again in Sept, neither children would be here if it hadn'r been for the m/c. Thinking of you, look after yourself. Your DH sounds like a beautiful person.

OMG my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. How lucky that you have such an amazing husband by your side, what a treasure you have found in him. Life is cruel and it's unfortunate that it is so. I get the feeling you'll be ok though. You're a strong and amazing woman who is partnered by a strong and amazing man. Find peace and comfort in the love that you have for each other.

Living life to it's fullest can't be a bad thing, people forgot that money is just that, money. You can't take it with you when you go and money won't make you happy. I'm glad that in your tragedy you have found courage to do other/new things, good on you for being so brave in an emotional crisis.

Know that as well as your beautiful husband that we are also by your side, and that we are here for you if you need us.

Take good care of each other
xoxox

:crying:

Goldi- I cannot express the heartache I feel for you. even though i have not been through this myself ( TTC10 months), If i put myself im this situation - i would go into hibernation.
so just want to give you a big mushy cuddle :hug: :hug:

you WILL be the best mummy ever!

i cant believe this happened to you! You are such an amazingly strong and gifted woman. And I am so sure you will be the perfect mother.

I am so sincerely sorry for your loss and reading your story made my tears stream. My thoughts are with you and your wonderful husband during this horribly sad time. We are all here for you :hugs:

Oh Goldilocks.... My heart is breaking for you and Anthony right now. I am so sorry that you are going through such a sad, heartbreaking time.
What you said at the end is so true, you will make a damn good mummy and Anthony will be a perfect daddy.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
:hugs:
Lisa

Oh Goldilocks, i'm so terribly sorry to hear of your pain. The tears are running down my cheeks as i read this and it has made me realise that we don't live our lives how we should and that we work to live...... I know that you probably won't feel it now, but it will get easier....and the support you have from DH is absolutely amazing. I had the same sort of support from my DH, but i only learnt not long ago, that he was in as much pain and heartbreak as i was, but didn't want to show it as he thought he had to protect me....

Talk it through with your DH. He loves you more than anything else in this world and as you both go through this together, your bond will be deepened even further. This is the one good thing i have taken from my m/c.....that my DH and I have a bond that is so deep, that it can never be broken.

My heart goes out to you at this time and i hope and pray that when you start TTC again, that you will become pg once again and hold a little bubba in your arms...

If you need to talk at all, don't hesitate to PM me.....and if i could reach down through the computer, i'd give you a great big hug...

Oh Goldilocks nothing I can say will take away your pain. It is an awful horrible shock to find your baby is 'gone'.
You are right I truly believe we are never given more than we can deal with. I also believe that there are so many valuable lessons in pain and you are a courageous and brave soul to be able to see them. Those lessons are different for us all.

Take time to heal your heart and your body. You are blessed to have a beautiful and understanding partner to share this journey with. I know without my beautiful husband I wouldn't have dealt with my pains as I have. We each grieved differently but our husbands feel the pain and loss too so it is important to support each other. Spend some time in the warm sun - it somehow helps the healing...

If you need someone please let me know. I truly understand the shock you are feeling.

Big big hugs Goldi xoxoxo

Oh my little godilocks,:hug:

I know exactly how you feel, I lost my angel in Dec 05, and it was my first pg and we got pregnant pretty much within the first few months of trying. So yes the naivety is lost and you enter a whole new world, nothing can prepare you for it. What happen is not uncommon love, and you will be able to go on and have a h&h pg in the future, you willneed time now to recover physically and emotionally. It does get easier my sweet, but you never forget the love you felt for your baby or how you wanted it so.

Just know that here you have the full support of these wonderful ladies on this thread. It helps to share your feelings with others who have gone through a loss to - we understand each other like no one else can.

Take care of yourself and dh,
Lisa

Goldi - your story truly touched my heart because I know those feelings all too well. I have been through what you have been through twice. There is nothing more devastating than knowing you want so very much to be a mother, only to have it taken away from you. I am here for you if you ever need someone to chat to you, my thoughts are with you at this time.

Oh Goldilocks - what a beautiful post. You have rekindled feelings a lot of us have sadly experienced .You are a very corageous woman to be able to express your feelings so well and so soon after a tragic loss. And it is a tradgedy - whether there was truly a "baby" in there or not, you and your DH had built up all the hopes and dreams of expectant parents for weeks only to lose them in one brief scan appt.
I know this heartbreak only to well and all I can say, as the others have, is that time will ease the rawness/shock. You and Anthony will never be the same again but as you are realising, that s not always a bad thing. Since my m/c's, my priorities in life have changed immensely. Works holds only minimal importance and the desire to be a "family" gets stronger all the time. Possesions we can live without, love and true hapiness, we cannot.
I hope your healing process is not too agonizing. You have a woderful partner and I am sure you will both come out the other side holding a precious bub very soon. You are quite right in saying that child will be especially treasured. I know everyone loves their children but those who have been through loss know just what a miracle it is to finally hold a baby.
Please come back here and let us know how you are doing. The women in these threads will offer endless advice and comfort.

Goldilocks, I am so sorry to hear this, it is never a happy thing,
take time out for yourselves, enjoy each other, make the move if it is right,
then try again..
will be thinking of you, and if you need to talk you know where we are..

liz

For some reason, when i saw the heading just now i clicked on this part of the forum, When you see the author of the posts, there is a dreaded feeling as your waiting for it to open and actual read what is to come, esp someone who has been in the buddie thread with you.

As i wipe away the tears after reading your post, your are an incrediable, strong and brave women. Your ability to convey your thoughts and feelings is an talent that you posess.
Thinking of you at this time.:hug:

Oh Goldilocks I am so sorry to have to read this post. I can only begin to imagine what you are going through. I was told when I was 8 weeks that I was going to lose Ryley but he pulled through and I know that sometime soon you'll be holding a beautiul little baby in your arms. Good Luck sweet and look after yourself

Goldilocks my heart is just breaking for you. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
I know what you are going through right now and my thoughts and prayers are with you both at this time.

:hug: :hug:

Goldilocks I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. As I sit here with tears in my eyes I pray that you and your husband will be ok. I am sure that good things will come your way soon but in the mean time look after each other and remember that you will be great parents. I am thinking of you both and look forward to hearing some better news in the near future.

Lots of Love Linda

Oh Goldilocks. I am just so sorry for you and DH. But you sound like an incredibly intelligent and strong woman and I know you'll be an even better stronger woman in the end. I'm sure you'll fall pregnant quickly again and be because sharing the pregnancy journey.
And so beautifully written! You should be a writer if your not already.

Goldilocks, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You have expressed yourself wonderfully well in your post, and I hope that by sharing your journey, that it has been somewhat therapeutic for you. I know that the weeks ahead will be tough ones, but remember that there are unfortunately too many of us here at BB who have travelled similar paths, who will provide you with support and understanding......

You are in my thoughts........take care.