How do i not let things get to me :(

im very thinned skinned and get upset easily, how to i toughen up and learn not to let small things get to me??
ihave doubts that how i feel can ever be changed

I was the same when it came to DH's family, I would let everything they did and say get to me and I spent so much time worrying over it and being upset by it.

IMO it's a constant battle, I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter. When I feel myself getting worked up over something I stop myself and say, it doesn't matter. I remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life and concentrate on those.

I think the only way people change is if you are constantly working at it, constantly stopping yourself when you're thinking one way and make yourself think a more positive way.

Thats what I've found has worked, took me a few years to realise it but it works for me now. I still get upset by things from time to time but have to snap myself out of it and think a different way.

I can understand how you are feeling. I felt that way all through my twenties and early thirties. I am now 37 and finally feel like I am getting on top of that whole 'don't let people's opinions of you and what you do affect you' thing. So maybe just a suggestion (I could be completely worng) but some things like this are just a learning curve that sometimes takes years of pain and frustration before you can get a handle on it. Curses!

I guess it depends on what kind of things are getting to you - is it negative comments in general, or those touching on specific sore spots?

For general things I found upsetting coming from others, I try to remember that most negative comments are a projection of someone else's experience. Just because they want to pull me down to their level doesn't mean I have to buy into that. Have those people around you whose opinion you value, and whose advice you trust to be able to tell you when you're maybe being a bit silly over something, but otherwise really assess how much that person's opinion matters in the grand scheme of things.

More specific sensitive issues are a bit harder, and take exploration to find out why you're reacting to that particular topic - is there maybe a grain of truth to what's being said, if so, how can you take steps to rectify the issue?

Depends on what it is.

I find not giving a damn about specific people helps. But then I can get really upset by perfect strangers pushing my buttons (such as disrespecting my kids or my family or saying/doing nasty things to my friends).

I've started learning Mindfulness training which is a meditation techniques that focuses on letting thoughts go. It's hard work. We get upset about something becase we attach a value to something, that triggers a thought, when then produces an emotional and physical response/reaction. Cutting things off at the thought step can halt the emotions developing. Conversely, focussing on the physical response to a thought can help us undo the emotional status we attach to a thought and it hurts us less.

An example is someone cuts you off in the traffic (behaviour). You think, the bastard, they could have caused an accident (thought), you feel fear/anger (emotion), your adrenalin increases & you tense up (physical). You can adjust the thought response, to something like, poor driving on their part, think I'll back off. The emotional response doesnt incease and therefore the physical one wont either.

Or you can work on the physical response: Someone cuts you off in traffic (bahaviour). You breathe deeply in and out, relaxing your shoulders (physical), which calms the adrenal response (physical), which reduces feeling of fear/anger (emotional). This can affect your thoughts (I hope they dont cause an accident, for example)

you don't need to toughen up. That's just beating your self up and creating fake walls. You can still feel hurt behind that tough exterior, it's just likely to build up until it explodes. In many ways, you need to soften up - breathe through things, let your shoulders relax, reduce the adrenal/cortisol response. It helps you to be able to emotionally stand back and be more objective.

There's nothing wrong with feeling things, it's how you allow it to affect you that counts. As I said, it's not easy and it takes conscious practice when you're not in a situation, so that when you are, you have the capability to deal with it more calmly.

The other thing to learn is the difference between reaction and response, which is difficult.

I believe that absolutely everyone can go through development - even criminals. Issues that would upset me a great deal and I seemed trapped in, no longer do... I surprise myself when I am in situations that usually trigger me. Its a choice to work on yourself though, and there are so many personal growth and development people out there, its a matter of picking the good ones. Life just keeps getting better and better like I never imagined.

Have a watch of the links I posted to de mello's stuff, even my mum is getting lots out of it. Put initial judgement aside, listen to the words and see how they feel. They really are so very helpful for me and keep me strong :) I still feel yucky things from time to time but I recover from them quickly and I enjoy going inside and working out whats going on.

(Sorry had to do school run :p) Here's the link: De Mello - A Collection of His Work

Said with much love Jols, because you know I do love you hun, and since we're in the personal growth and development forums ;) ... if/when we're stuck in a victim headset, it can be the most disempowering we can be in our lives. All the stuff I have learnt is that we are very much in control of our experience and emotions - and feelings are what we create from our thoughts. Thoughts become feelings, feelings become beliefs. Which is how in a bad mindset, we can become depressed, miserable, unhappy etc. So how do you change that? Most of us don't learn this as children as our parents often are in the same space - if they knew they would have taught us. Learning from great teachers like de mello will get you there, and then you can in turn teach your children too.

It takes time, some arguing in your head about it, some realisation that it is in fact true in some/most cases, then taking it on, getting thrown by some situations and questioning it again, then really getting the hang of it. Took me a good year or two to make it my mindset, but it is a work in progress all your life. And it also takes surrounding yourself with people who are the same, because just like I read in an article today: "Since you catch the emotions of the people around you like you catch their colds, you are continually being affected by their vibes." I am lucky to have a great spiritual group of friends - we are not perfect - but we push each other to grow and stretch boundaries. Its amazing :)

ETA: Mindfulness is awesome too. Helped me out of my own anxiety, but I needed more, its all part of the toolbox. The more tools you have, the more complex jobs you can fix :) I also agree with Cranky Kitten, others reacting to you is their own stuff. Which is why Byron Katie says defence is the first act of war - because if you take someone's comments on and react, its all on! But if you can see it as their experience/issues and not take it on, you can prevent a huge situation from even occurring.

I'm an analyser and think about things ALOT. This can sometimes be a good thing and sometimes be a bad thing. A couple of years ago i went through a tough time and i'd lay in bed and think things over and over again. Eventually i realised that these issues/people were having control over my life, my happiness and my family's happiness. So with a lot of hard work emotionally i tought myself to not let the issues have such an effect on me. Things may happen and particular people may do and say as they please but i will not let them influance me to the extent they were. They will not have control over my life!!!

I've been much better since i managed to get to this place, i feel like i have so much more control over my life and how i feel about things. I still analyse and i still get really frustrated by this particular person but she in no way has the effect on me she did and i'm a much better person because of it.

It's not easy but i'm sure you can get there, it just takes a whole lot of internal control on your behalf, sometimes going to talk to someone about it can help (i did for a few months) but give it a go and see if you can do it.

Good luck.

I was also very thin skinned for a long time :hug: I would overthink every little thing and go on and on about it whether to myself or my DH. In my case I have been through some pretty major family issues in the last 12 or so months (in my extended family). A particular family member was the source of a lot of my self doubt and internal stress. Somehow dealing with this person and not caring about what they thought of me has made a huge difference in my overall attitude. I used to think that the worst thing that could happen is that this person would stop talking to me. And when they did, lo and behold I survived :D Now I feel stronger having stood up for myself and my own little family, I'm more sure of myself now ITMS? I know it's probably not the same as your own personal situation. But at least for me, letting go of what everyone thinks of me has helped in other areas.

I allow myself to get upset but only for a brief time, I then move on.

Have to agree with emc2, feelings need to be recognised. I also do this - acknowledge that I am upset/angry/scared and tell myself that it's okay to feel this way. Then I find a way to deal with those feelings whether that means shaking it off or finding a solution.

Absolutely, you can't numb yourself. De Mello talks about this too. You can still be depressed or still be whatever, before or after you do this. But its what you do with it. I personally feel that no-one should have the power to control how I feel. Thats too big of a thing to give away. I reserve the right to feel yuck from time to time, but I can fix it too :)

Have to say I used to care so much about every little thing that people did or said...and even the stuff they didn't say or do, if that makes sense :rolleyes:

Having my gorgeous little one, after being left by the other half was an extaordinarily character building exercise. I learnt that a lot of disapproval or judgement is more reflective of the other person than it is of my behaviour, and that aggression is just fear disguised (badly). I'm not overly religious, rather spiritual and love a lot of concepts in Buddhism. Be mindful of how you act and treat others, it will always keep you in good stead, and don't dwell on negative emotions, as at the end of the day, they are fairly useless and non-productive. Always have faith in your own beliefs, instincts and judgement they are there to look after you :)

My DH tends to be thin skinned and I am thick skinned. the differences in our thinking is that he always sees things as being directed at him and I see things as being about the other person and them having an issue with something rather than it being about me. I try to tell him that things are not always about him and that someone might be shy, angry or just having a bad day.

I am thin skinned too but learning to not take things so personally :)

I think part of it for me is trying to understand someone else's intention. There are not a lot of people in the world that are out to hurt others. I think most people are trying to be helpful and it just comes across the wrong way. I try not to take people just on their words but what they intend to say.

But then, I have also decided that people who intentionally say things to be mean or upsetting don't have my respect anyway and if I don't respect them, why should I care for their opinion. On the flip side of that, some people are offensive because they are hurting and upset. Being able to see through the hurt and anger can be really useful too because for people who you do care about that are offensive, that is their way of reaching out and screaming for help. It can be hard not to let their words sting, but if you can see what they are really getting at and that it is not personal, it does help. It doesn't make it okay, but it means that you don't have to take it personally.

Having said that, words do hurt but positive head talk and rationally thinking about whether it matters and why it matters can go a long way to helping things not hurt so badly.

It is still something I am working through and I am by no means great at it. Things still hurt me, and even things that I know I shouldn't let hurt me. But I am getting there but I do think it is something I will have to be conscious of for the rest of my life and make an effort with :hug: