Church not supporting my wishes to Baptise DD

Brief history.

I was brought up as a Christian. DD1 was Baptised no issues (at the time I was an active member of the Church) There were a few years where I stopped been involved in the Church.

We moved and I once again went to Church. A new Church that is and loved going as did DD. We continued this from 2007-2009. DD2 was Baptised here and DH and I were married.

So I went through a very rough patch (having 3 back to back pregnancy losses) I was grieving and very angry at God. To make matters worse when I stopped going to Church in mid 2009 (I was going weekly or 48weeks out of 52weeks for 3yrs prior to this) not once did anyone ever call me to ask how I was, if I were still alive etc. Not a single member of the Church called me, wrote, emailed etc. I did however regularly get letters in the mail requesting me to support the Church financially (direct debit) now this just pee'd me off. I happily would have arranged this if they had of supported me. But no not even a phone call. I've even walked past the Minister on numerous occassions who does not acknowledge me in the Street. I've said hello and he and she just repeat it and keep walking.

So despite me been not happy about my disappearance going unnoticed I have wanted to start going again for a year. Actually it was when I got my BFP with J I then felt terrible for feeling how I did towards God and the Minister/s for not contacting me during my darkest moments and offering me some guidance. Anyway I contacted the Minister a month ago who was suppose to call me back. Which she didn't so I called again. I've just received a letter saying that the Church felt like Baptism was the wrong choice for J as we are not members of the Church. A booklet was enclosed also which says that there is no way that me or my children can be Christian without being an active member of the Church. To me it reads basically your not welcome to Baptise your child.

I WANT my child Baptised. Never have I considered it to be an option for her not to be done. I understand what they are saying about me now not going to Church and not participating as an active member. I admit yes I did not for a period of time when the Church offered me no comfort and worse still didn't even try during that time but now I feel like my little family have been shunned. What has happened for young families to feel they now don't belong? This Church I went to is mostly the over 70's. There are hardly any families there. My children were one of only 2 other's with children. I've tried a few other congregations over the years and none I have felt comfortable at. I did generally want to return but now the Minister of the Church (its a small Church its not like there are hundreds of members) hasn't even managed a phone call or to return my call. Instead I get this letter basically saying your not welcome. Now part of me wants to write a letter and outline how the Church has completely failed us as a family and why. And by there letter to me that my return is not even welcome.

Sorry for the vent. This is more then just DD's Baptism. If I arrange a meeting to hear what the minister has to say and to voice my disappointment in the lack of support I have received then now I don't feel the Church will be celebrating DD coming into the Church. Instead they are thinking she is just another child who's family Baptise her and never see them again. Gee I don't know what to do. The bottom line is I want her Baptised and it looks like I'm going to have to fight for that to be done and its not going to be the joyous occassion that my first two's were :crying:

I haven't spoken to DH about this yet as he is away but I know his solution is tell them where to go and not have her done.

oh hun *hugs* that sounds so stressful. I don't know any answers, other than to say it doesn't sound like the kind of community I'd want to be rushing to join. (the congregation, not the Church). Is it worth trying other congregations again? I know you said you wouldn't be comfortable, but it doesn't sound too comfortable (or supportive) with this one. I'm not a church goer, so I don't know the 'rules' but I couldn't read and not post xxxx I hope you find some support, comfort and answers soon xxx

I'm not religious, so don't understand how this works, but wanted to respond. Can you talk to a Minister at another church, explain the situation and try there? Maybe attend for a while to see if you like it there.

As an outsider, this Church's stance seems both hypocritical and judgemental. Even on BB, if a regular member just disappears for a while, usually someone calls out. I feel sad for you that at a time you most needed spiritual and emotional support, your Church failed you.

Like any relationship, sometimes things can be resolved. However, I think their actions, or lack of them, speak louder than words.

:hug: I hope you can find a more loving community to welcome you and your family and have your DD baptised.

ETA - i probably meant congregation, not Church. I don't really know the difference.

I couldn't read and not reply.

Are you sure there isn't another church you could get your dd baptised at? I cannot believe the way they've treated you. So judgmental.

I used to go to church often, but since ds it's been really hard too and they are so noisy that it embarrasses me - so I don't go. My dd2 is getting baptised this Sunday - and I haven't gone to church regularly for 18 mths, and they now it. It's the same place where my other two kids were baptised.

Some parishes arent as 'inclusive' as others.

So sorry this has happened to you hun

Oh my goodness, that's appalling :hug:. Please do write that letter outlining their lack of support and care, they need a big wake up call! I hope you can find a much more welcoming church that you can make your home.

Oh it makes me so sad to read about this. What a terrible job they have done at loving you!!
I think there are two very different issues here (as you pointed out)- the first is the question whether a church should baptise a child from a family that is not a current active member- thats just one of those tricky theological minefields that you should not take personally, I guess that the letter you got was just standard protocol for them, decided for whatever reason. There are lots of churches that will baptise your child no questions asked, and if thats what feels right for you then someone can definitely make that happen.

But the much bigger issue is how unwelcome and unsupported they have made you feel. Maybe they have just failed in your case and are usually very good at this, but either way, they've hurt you and missed a big opportunity to show you God's love. So sad. Do you think there might be another congregation in your area that you could look into? (depends I guess how much you are attached to your denomination) maybe one with more families? I can imagine it would be hard to feel part of a community of over 70s even if they were trying harder!! Maybe this is the chance to find a really great, encouraging Christian community that will give you and your family all the support and encouragement that a Church should, and get you feeling excited about it again!

I have been so blessed by my church family, I really pray that you can find something similar.

thats terrible! if u cant rely on your church, who can you rely on?
if it were me id be finding another church and explain the situation to them. i hope little J gets to be baptised

:hug:
The Church doesn't sound as if it is acting in a very christian manner. I don't know what to suggest as my church does not require someone to be an active church goer to be baptised - My family certainly do not attend church on a regular basis, generally only around easter and christmas. But we are still believers and still raise our children in the faith (and ensure they have a good religious education). Going to church on a weekly basis is not a sign of faith or belief IMHO.

I would encourage you to seek out a minister of your faith (although not nessecarily at that particular church) and discuss (all) the issues with them and seek counsel.

:hug:

Thank you so much for your replies and advise. I feel ridiculous. I can't stop crying. Gee who would have thought I would care this much. I think this letter has just emphasised the rejection I have felt for along time over their lack of support over the past 2years when I really wanted answers as to why I felt so punished by God and again by them not caring enough to even give me a call. Apart of me felt like a fraud now been comfortable to return to the Church now that I'm in my happy place with J until this has happened. I don't think I can ever feel truely welcome there now. Yes I'll definately be writting a letter as although I'd love to call them I know I'll go to tears.

Oh hun, like I said, I'm not a church goer, but I don't think God is punishing you, I'd rather think He is creating an opportunity to find the place that's right for you and your family. I hope you find it soon x

:hug: hun - how devastating that a place that should be full of compassion has ended up hurting you so badly. I am with the others - I would be writing a letter to them and then finding a place where you are welcomed and loved and feel at home. I left the church for many years (although not God as such!) and have only recently gone back and was expecting judgement and Im not sure what else because I had "backslidden" but the church I have found has felt like home since the day I first went. Good luck finding somewhere and I really think it is telling that nobody contacted you when you weren't there for so. Churches are fighting for membership these days and some wonder why but they should be reaching out to people not making them feel judged. :hug: I feel pretty passionately about this sorry if I come across as preachy and agree that you should call some other churches for a chat and visit. xoxoxo

Tanstar you definately have not come across as preachy lol. I have started writting my letter to them. I want it sent next week whilst its all new. Then I guess I'll be searching for somewhere to Baptise her soon and will then have to find a place I love as much as I did love the old place I went to.

Good luck hun, will be praying that you find the perfect new church home :hug:

:hug: I'm sorry that this church has not supported you when you need it. I urge you to write that letter because if the church does not acknowledge where it has left people unsupported then it cannot improve on this situation.

Are there any other churches in your area you could go along to and see if you feel at home? If you find one you like then speak to the minister and discuss what has happened. You may find a new church more than willing to baptise your DD and welcome your family into their community.

Oh hun. That's horrible. Please believe me when I say not all churches are like that!

Two things I think here - the lack of contact and support while you were grieving and the baptism thing.

The church should have a pastoral care program - that is a person, a team, whatever, that looks after the congregation. In my church, every member of the parish is assigned to a "pastoral carer", someone who touches base with you if you haven't been around for a while, to see if everything is ok or if you need prayer or support for anything.

When we almost lost my DD, we were still active with the church but we got angry with God too and our minister knew that. She made a point of coming and speaking to us every week and I bet was checking in with our small group leader too. It is disgraceful that when you felt distant from God because of your losses, your minister and church were not there for you. I'm so sorry that happened.

As for the refusing to baptize - that is absolute rubbish. Churches should view baptisms as a form of evangelism - when you baptize your child, you invite your family and friends to share your special day and this gives the church a chance to reach out to these people. They should be jumping at the chance.

Further, a child is a child - innocent unto sin. Part of the words we say when we baptize our child is taking on the sin of the child until they are old enough to take on their sin themselves. Your church should not be punishing your child for any perceived slight that you may have done. Perceived I say. I don't feel that you have done anything wrong at all, let me just say that!

My sister and family I wouldn't say are the most "active" members at our church, yet both her kidlets have been baptized there no dramas.

I think you definitely need to talk to them about it, then find a new church. There are others out there... I definitely agree with the PP who said that this might just be God directing you to find a different place to worship and come back to Him.

:hug:

I am so sorry that you aren't getting more support :( I hope it can be sorted out.

Well in my opinion this church is not doing much of a job of showing Jesus' love! At my church, if you are away for more than a couple of weeks, someone (of not the pastor himself) rings you to see if everything is okay.
I'd be looking for a more loving church myself and having your child baptised there.

That does not send a warm feeling at all about the congregration..

Both DH and I have christian upbringings and beliefs, and are not regular church goers, and haven't actually been in the last few years.. However the priest at our local church had no issues baptizing either of our children.

Hope you manage to sort through it and get your DD baptized as your heart desires.