Ever so moody 9yo - what did you do

So DD is 9 (10 in Feb) and started puberty about a year ago.

Only now is her mood swings starting to become a problem. She is starting to speak rude towards DH and I. When she is rude, the both of us say to her 'Please dont talk to me now. You are being rude and we will talk later' This often gives DD the chance to go into her room or jump on the laptop and have some free time on her own - which DH and I both beleive it is important.

The other thing that is REALLY becoming an issue is she knows EVERYYYYYYYYTHINGGGGGGG - we cannot correct her, we are both wrong. It kinda makes us laugh (when shes not around of course) but infront of her we let the subject go.

Last night while shopping she was being rude to DH. I even pulled her up and said something to her. I asked why she was being rude. The response I got was 'Well everyone else is rude to me' which DH and I were not. We generally give her space when we can sense her moods are a bit crazy. Poor DH has no idea how it affects women, but I have just said to him to let her be and I will deal with it.

I dont want this to be an issue between DH and I. And we both keep saying she's only 9 - what on earth is she going to be like when she is 13 :o

With our 2nd bub on the way I know we are going to have our hands full but it would be nice to hear how some of you dealt with this stage or any suggestions. DD is active, and has extra curricular activities such as music class and sports that she attends already so is this really just one of those stages you have to just ride out or is there something I can do to help her?

We are not going to see a counsellor or therapist as this is a normal stage - so please do not suggest this.

TIA

Hi, My daughter is the same age. I am not sure if you know much about phases of childhood, But there is a big change at 9. You can google the nine year old change. The things you have written show that she is right where she is supposed to be. It is a very big time of change to them, and for us it is a window into how they are going to be as a teenager. They need to be able to vent it out and feel our unconditional love. They will have a hard time socially and again just need us to be there without getting caught up in what they are saying, just holding them and being understanding. It's so hard not to take it personally, but it's best if you don't. My husband and I will smile at each other and encourage each other to walk away if you feel like you are getting into a slinging match and being pulled in with her. We also have other ways for her to go and have some space from the family and come back to herself. A place to cry and be hugged if she needs that..... here is a little bit more that may help.... may you feel supported to meet this big change for your little one!






This article by Rahima Baldwin Dancy on "Parenting the Nine Year Old" describes the developmental changes of the nine-year-old child and how parents and Waldorf education meet this psychological stage. It first appeared in Mothering, Summer, 1989.]

Parents of nine year olds often wonder, "What is happening to my child?" Children at this age can become very critical and argumentative, or very moody and withdrawn. Nightmares, irrational fears, headaches and stomachaches often arise. Some children feel as if no one at school likes them, or others become suddenly self-conscious about being rich, poor, or otherwise "different." Parents may be accused of being unfair or of not understanding, as the child rushes off and slams his or her door.

Searching for an explanation for the changes in behavior, parents sometimes blame a new teacher, a recent move, changes in the family such as separation or the birth of a sibling, or simply "growing pains". An understanding of what is actually taking place can help us avoid needless worry and provide the support and guidance that children need during this time.

What is Happening?
The special needs of the nine year old are the result of an important change in consciousness that marks the end of early childhood and the transition to a new developmental phase. Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, states, "In the ninth year the child really experiences a complete transformation of its being, which indicates an important transformation of its soul-life and its bodily-physical experiences."

Earlier, before the age of five or so, the child has a dreamlike state of consciousness in which the outer world and inner experience end to flow together. Outer events are not "observed," but are deeply taken in through unconscious imitation. Whereas babies learn nearly everything through imitation, kindergarten-age children continue to imitate many aspects of their world, such as the movements of the teacher or parent.

While the power of imitation is so strong, the child feels united with the world and experiences no sense of aloneness. But with the loss of this power around the age of nine, the child feels separated from the world. Something that was hidden and slumbering begins to awaken. Nine year olds suddenly have a strong experience of themselves as separate beings, with a new feeling of distance from the world and other people. This sense of self, first experienced around age two-and-a-half, recurs now in a much deeper way, as the inner emotional life of the child begins to develop.

Although children react differently to leaving the sweet, dreamlike world of early childhood, one response is nearly universal: children become more conscious of their surroundings. You will probably find that what was once passed by unnoticed is suddenly focused on and questioned. This awakening to the world may be met with quiet astonishment or sharp criticism, depending on the child's temperament.

A critical child may notice whether the statements people make are grounded in the real world or are a veneer. He or she may begin to question parents and teachers, wondering, "How do they know everything?" and, indeed, "Do they really know everything?" Something in the child is seeking reassurance that the authority of the adult will stand the test of quality, and that it carries an inner certainty.

In contrast, another child may become more withdrawn and start to look under the bed at night, or may have frequent stomachaches in response to this new sense of being alone. Parents whose children suddenly want to be alone often feel as if they are "losing" their children, as if the children no longer want to share their developing inner worlds. This is a time when intimations of mortality and death can enter a child's consciousness. Religious questions and concerns about good and evil may also emerge with the child's increased self-awareness and sense of choice and responsibility.

Usually, within six months after the ninth birthday (and sometimes earlier), the children are profoundly aware of this new sense of separateness between the self and the outer world. As the "I" penetrates into awareness, children begin to experience themselves as self-contained beings. The often feel as though they are in a threshold situation, poised, as it were, on the cusp of their own destiny. A 70-year-old woman wrote of this time in her life: "In this year I had a significant I-experience. I had just come from school in the city and had to change trams. In this moment of waiting, the complete certainty came to me that now all of life lay before me and that I was the one that must travel it.

Essentially, the nine year old is experiencing his or her own identity-to become a separate individuality, able to confront the outer world. Ideally, the child comes through this difficult time with a sense of connection with his or her higher self, a kind of "knowing" that will remain even after the heightened awareness is integrated.

My son spent many difficult months in the throes of "the nine-year change." One night, as he popped out of bed for the third time, I had to muster great self-control to say, "What now?" "I'm glad I'm me!" he announced, radiating like the sun. He went on to explain, "It's just like the song "The Age of Not Believing." The words of the Disney song ran through my mind: "You must face the age of not believing, doubting everything you ever knew. Until at last you start believing, there's something wonderful in you." We all shared in his joy and thanked God that family life could once again return to normal.

Parenting Tips
What can parents do to help their child through this important turning point at age nine?
- Understanding what is happening will help both your child and yourself as a parent. When both parents, or parents together with the teacher, consider a child and his real needs, it can help give the child balance. Be patient-- this, too, shall pass. Ten is a wonderfully harmonious time between the crisis at age nine and adolescence, when the next intensifying of self-consciousness occurs.
- Be willing to let your child have her own inner emotional life. You can't "fix it." Honor her need for privacy or her sudden impatience with a younger sister. Be willing to let go and tolerate distance. Your relationship is changing and will improve again once alterations have been completed. Be nearby with understanding and reassurance that she is still loved.
- Share your thoughts with your child about things that go beyond the every-day affairs of life. But don't limit your child by providing "answers" or definitions that can't grow within the child when asked about things like God or death.
- Have faith in self-healing, in your child's ability to come through this phase. Support individual artistic activity that attracts your child (writing poetry, keeping a diary, drawing or painting, music).
- Support your child's interest in the world by providing opportunities to build things, visit a farm, plant a garden, do work in the real world. Encourage a connection with the plant and animal kingdoms and with simple human creative activities now before the child explores the world of technology, which is more appropriate for adolescence.
- Nourish your child with stories that illustrate the interconnectedness of life and the powers of fate and destiny. The story of Joseph and his coat of many colors has this element of the dream heralding his destiny and the patience he needed to see it manifest. In the curriculum of the Waldorf schools, the Old Testament stories are .told in third grade because they mirror 2- the inner state of the nine-year-old child. The creation story, for example, describes the child's own experience of leaving the paradisiacal realm of early childhood, acquiring new self-awareness, and with it the added dimensions of choice and increasing responsibility for one's actions. In fourth grade the heroic tales of the Norse myths represent the exploits of the new ego in larger- than-life fashion. The Waldorf curriculum also introduces the child to the world through projects in house-building, farming, and the study of the plant and animal kingdoms, not as abstract sciences, but in relation to the human being.
- Recognize that the child needs to establish a new respect for adult authority that goes beyond the blind acceptance of the younger child. Parents can encourage this by honoring a child's new relationship with a teacher or other adults in his life. Steiner states, "What matters is that at this moment in life, the child can find someone--whether this be one person or possibly several persons is of less importance--whose picture it can carry through life."(3) Parents can also help themselves be this kind of authority by presenting a united front to the child and by both sitting down with the child when questions of discipline arise (single parents may want to bring in a teacher or other adult during this time).

The magnitude of the changes that a child of this age is going through can be better understood if you contemplate the differences between the child of seven and the child of twelve. The seven year old is light-hearted and always in movement. The limbs are active for learning (through touching, doing, walking the times tables, and so forth). In contrast, the head is relatively large and still dreamy. The seven year old is just beginning to get adult teeth. His or her emotions are easily influenced by impressions from the world, with tears changing to smiles relatively easily.

The twelve year old, on the other hand, has a head that is very awake for thinking and longer limbs which seem heavy, tired, and often awkward to control. There is a rich and sometimes over-powering inner emotional life; the older child brings a great deal more to each experience. Physically, the sexual organs are beginning to mature as the child enters puberty.

The nine-year-old is in the middle between the world of early childhood and the world of adolescence. The physical and emotional changes which you may observe in your nine-year-old child are the outer manifestations of the tremendous change in consciousness which is going on within the child's expanding inner world. By understanding the nature of these changes, we can better provide support in parenting the nine year old.

Awakening to the world and a new sense of self brings with it a new need: to understand the real world of everyday life, while at the same time long for intimations of something beyond ordinary life. As parents and teachers, our task is to become loving authorities for the growing child, sharing both a true picture of the world and a sense of our own inner striving.

Notes
1. Quoted in Hermann Koepke, Das neunte Lebensjahr (Dornach, Switzerland: Philosophisch-Anthroposophischer Verlag, 1983), p. 41.
2. Ibid., pp. 32-33.
3. Rudolf Steiner, Soul Economy and Waldorf Education (Spring Valley, NY: Anthroposophic Press, 1986), p. 167.

For More Information
Branston, Brian. Gods & Heroes from Viking Mythology. New York: Schocken,1982. Colum, Padraic. The Children of Odin: The Book of Northern Myths. New York: Macmillan, 1984.
Crossley-Holland, Kevin. The Norse Myths. New York: Pantheon, 1981.
de Paola, Tomie. Parables of Jesus. New York: Holiday House, 1987.
Horn, Geoffrey, and Arthur Cavanaugh. Bible Stories for Children. New York: Macmillan, 1980.
Stoddard, Sandol. The Doubleday Illustrated Children's Bible. New York: Doubleday & Company, 1983.
Wilkinson, Roy. Old Testament Stories and Commentary on the Old Testament Stories. Available from Rudolf Steiner College Bookstore.

I don't know but I just thought I'd let you know I fully sympathise because my 8yo is driving me stark raving bonkers :wall: He screeches at me that I'm an idiot and I'm not the boss of him. Most mornings it's a tishfight till he's dressed and ready for school, then he's sugary sweet and asking for a lunch order. Of course I say not until he's nicer to me, to which he arks up again and says I never give him one anyway...it's a cycle that we go through all the time.

I think I'm on the right track by not rewarding him till he is speaking to me a lot nicer than what he is.

Hi MissM. I'm not a parent (yet) but I've worked with children for a long time, I hope you don't mind me pitching in. It sounds like you and DH are very attuned and caring parents. Over the years I've seen children in similar stages to your DD. From my experience the irritability and disrespect can be influenced by hormones for sure, but I have often found that even though the hormones make it harder to be cheerful; there is often something going on that is contributing to the grumpiness. Nine is such a hard age, no longer a little child but not yet a teenager, they have a foot in each world so to speak.

I'm sure you've talked a lot with her about having a sibling. When I was studying a very sage and insightful teacher tried to explain how children feel like this "Imagine your partner brings another man/woman home one day without seeking your permission and says okay so from now on, you have to share. I'm going to have two partners now. How would you feel?" Because for children you are the centre of their lives. Even though by nine they are totally peer focused, the way they define themselves is still as your child. It would be normal for her to have lots of mixed feelings about this. You've talked a lot about it and how she will still be important etc, I'm sure. I am just putting the idea out there that maybe she has some anger about it, with you guys and just in general, that she is having trouble processing. I have found that when parents have given permission to their children to be angry about changes it helps to vent it and they can move through it, rather than just feeling angry with you and like you are "being rude" to her. Because if my hubby brought a second wife home, I'd feel like it was rude, heh.

She is probably excited and angry, happy and worried. As well as reassuring her about her place in the family (which I'm sure you already have) maybe you could try to let her express her anger (in an appropriate way). in my experience just being given a chance to be validated for their anger can diffuse bad moods, tantrums and oppositional behaviour. She might be confused about the fact that she is excited and happy and mad and scared.

Perhaps this is nothing at all to do with the pregnancy, but it may still help with the behaviour. I learned these helpful steps when faced with an angry or oppositional child.

(1) Ventilate (let them express it all, everything they are mad about without defending yourself or interrupting)

(2) Validate (say you understand, normalise it and accept their truth eg "Well I can see why that would make you mad, you really like to stay up and it sucks having to go to bed earlier than your friends, of course you want to eat icecream before bed, who wouldn't?)

(3) Problem solve (help them come up with ideas on how to change things to make it less painful in a way that will work for the family)

(4) Reality Test (here's where you can, when they are calmer, start to delicately help them to discover through questions like "So if I don't let you stay up tonight does that mean that I never let you? That I don't care about you? etc etc where their thinking may be a bit balck and white or off kilter)

(5) Rehearse (go through ways to express their feelings in a more useful way, a plan of action to make things better, any obstacles to changing the way they feel or what they'd like to happen.

I find this works a lot of the time. But not always! Children are not computers programmed to respond to a set pattern. Good luck, it sounds like you are a wonderful, loving parent and I hope things are smoother sailing for you all in the hectic months ahead.

Oh the joys - I'm in a very similar situation, with a 9 year old DD and a second bub on the way here. So far, so good....but going to watch this one just in case if that's ok :)

Omg I just logged on to BB to ask for the same advise on my 9yo son. I often say jokingly to DH that if we ever need to know anything just ask DS as he knows everything! I have just spent the morning googling vitamins, diets etc and now came here for advice. At least I know we are not alone!!

Definitely not alone diamond75! Things have improved but we definitely have our moments :) teenage years are going to be longgggggg lol I might have to start drinking lol just kidding!

MissM pour me a drink too!

I have a nine year old "teenager". The actual teen years terrify me :o

I could have written your original post!!

Best of luck (to all of us!!)

I'm afraid of them too lol I remember what I was like (I was a down right mean sarcastic btch that knew everything) My DD isn't too much like me, thankfully lol

man i could have written this thread myself
lucky me i have twins so i have double 9 year old behaviour!!!!
i turned around the other day and told my DH that the kids were picking on me!!!
so over their attitudes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!