My daughter gives me anxiety attacks

I wasn't quite sure where to post this, in here or in the mental health section.

My 4 year old talks a lot. She doesn't even take a breath because she is constantly talking. She doesn't even appear to understand exactly what quiet is because she just keeps talking, even if I ask her to please stop for a minute. I try to block it out and ignore it, but she demands that I listen and respond, or repeat what she says sometimes, and if I don't listen she just talks even more until I respond in the correct way.

Thing is, right, I am a quiet person, and I prefer to be in quiet situations with not many people around. I am agoraphobic and I have anxiety and panic disorders. My daughters constant talking makes me panicked, frazzled and anxious. I can not cope with it.

I try the game who can stop talking for the longest, but it doesn't get very far before she starts talking again not even a minute in. I ask her if she can go read a book in her room for a bit but she won't do that unless I go with her which then has her talking about everything she sees in the book. It's almost like she is incapable of not talking.

My sleep is broken as through the night she wakes up and starts talking, loudly, and it wakes me up, so I ask her to talk quietly.

I don't have family who are able to take her for a while as they all live hours away from us. She starts school next year and is attending a pre-kindy type thing in a few weeks time.

I don't know what to do and I am struggling through every day because I just can't deal with this constant talking.

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Talking a lot at four is pretty normal. My DD is a chatterbox too! She wants you to engage with her, so it's natural that she talks to you a lot.

I don't have any advice because she sounds like a completely normal little girl. Maybe you should talk to your GP about how you are not coping. :hug:

I also agree that talking alot is pretty normal for a 4 year old. However it sounds like you need some practical strategies to help you out! Do you have a designated quiet time? Normally after lunch is a great time for this, some books, quiet games/puzzles, etc in her room for an hour or so to chill out - for both you and her.
Talking in the middle of the night isn't really normal, nor is consistent broken sleep. Have you talked to a child health nurse or practioner about some practical tips and solutions for getting her to have un broken sleep, etc.
Is there a reason for delaying her start in the pre prep program? This will certainly give you some break time as well.

I agree that you need to seek some professional help.

my ipod touch has a record function that DS loves... I wonder if she would enjoy taping her own voice and playing it back to herself and that could be a 'game' that she could play by herself for awhile? so any recording device would work.

:hug: it sounds pretty stressful

Dd1 is the same, sometimes I need space she is happy doing jigsaws, playing on her keyboard or atm she has a toy guinea pig that records what she says and plays it back.

My DD who is 4 doesn't talk much, she would prefer to play video games than have me talk, in fact, she often asks me to be quiet and not to talk. I talk with her about how to ask nicely for someone to give her space and a break. I do let her have a 30 minute break from time to time and play video games or then if I'm tired I'll put a DVD on for her and go to bed to give her space. Maybe, like others have said, give her something to interact with that is not you. It would mean that you get a break, and if stuff is making you anxious than you actually do need a break, its not bad parenting.... not at all... it means both of you get a break and you are able to come back and interact with her as she needs....

it's clear that this is stressing you out, but that it's not necessarily unhealthy for her ... she may just be a very clever, verbal, precocious little girl ...

so on to some ideas:-

* a quiet time sounds good, where you and she both do quiet things ... boundaries are important, and good for her to learn to respect ... if she has started to read - great! otherwise, jigsaw puzzles (lots of libraries have them available for borrowing, so you can get a good mix!), letter puzzles, and you can download lots of "worksheets" for copying out letters and dot-to-dots and other things which you can print out, which she might like to do and colour in, etc. Or you could give her some imagination games - like pretending to design a house, or a school uniform, or making up an imaginary animal or dragon, and drawing it etc - anything which gets her really engaged, but that she can talk to you about ... later ... and which would take her a while! and all things which don't take too much time to plan or clean up :D

* can you tape record some "academic" style shows from the telly for her to watch? the sort of ones with questions, or letter puzzles, etc, where she will sort of be interacting, without it being a pressure on you? I know there used to be lots of things on channel 2, and then afternoon kids game shows - maybe just tape them for her to watch at other times, and you could even get a little stockpile, to reuse them, if it's been a few days ...

* for nighttime, my parents had a strict rule ... if we went to the clock in the playroom and it was not yet 6.00am we just weren't allowed out of our room ... we were supposed to go back to bed, to sleep, but we basically wouldn't get into trouble if we (with the door shut) turned on out light to read or do something else silent ... but it was non-negotiable that before 6.00am we weren't allowed to wake anyone, go into anyone else's room, turn on the TV or music or anything else noisy at all ... or else...

* in another thread, someone suggested (in a totally different context) to in their son's room having a torch and some silent toys/books or whatever which he was allowed to play with if he woke up at night and couldn't get back to sleep ... not sure if that would help?

* have you heard of a book called "personality plus"? it's about the four greek humours (sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic and choleric) and there's a version about couples, and a version about parents and children (Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer). One of the higher stress combinations is when a melancholic (quiet, analytical, perfectionistic) parent has a sanguine (playful, bubbly, chatty) child. It's really, really interesting and I found it a very helpful read ... not sure if you'd find it interesting, but if you look it up on the UK book depository website, it's about $15 with free postage ... if you think it would be of any help, it'd be a good read.


not sure if *any* of these will be of any use to you, but I hope you find something which works, and soon.

:grouphug:

:hug: I know what you mean.

When I totally lose it with the noise, and it's also seemingly coinciding with naughty behaviour, I put him on the naughty chair. Timer doesn't start until he's quiet. So I do get (eventually) 5 minutes of quiet.

One thing that I am doing with my son is teaching him some memory stuff - poetry (currently teaching him "tiger tiger" by Blake) and that's giving a bit of to/fro stuff. And also encouraging him to stop, think, speak. To actually wait a couple of seconds and not talking for no reason, ITMS?

Good luck - I feel for you.

How much interaction does she get with other kids? More importantly how much do you get with other adults?

Thanks for all the replies. I know that at 4 years old it is normal for them to talk, and talk, and talk, and I recognise that it is my issue rather than hers. I do see a professional and I am on medication for my anxiety, I also have coping strategies in place which dont work with DD as I am unable to escape from it.

As for interation with other children, I try and I try and I try but she has no interest in interacting with other children her age. She will happily interact with babies/toddlers and adults, but any child her age is 'yukky' and she refuses to interact with them. I'm not sure if that is something to be concerned about? I do worry sometimes, and it is so embarassing that she won't even talk to other kids her age, but I don't like forcing her because I know I wouldnt like to be forced to do something I didn't want to do. I am hoping Kindy will change that?

When she walks off to go to the toilet I breathe a sigh of relief that I get a few minutes without her near me, but then I get 'Muuum, I need help with the toilet paper' and its just an excuse, because she doesn't need help with the toilet paper, its just an excuse to get me there with her.

Hmmmm, now I am seeing a whole new issue presenting itself, that maybe its not the talking but more the fact that I don't get much time away from her because she just wont leave me alone, and along with the talking it just is driving me crazy. If I tell her to wait while I go do something quickly, she will still follow me, so I will then tell her to wait in the new location and I will walk off and she will follow me again. It is like she is virtually attached to me and will not leave me alone! I sometimes wonder if she also has anxiety issues because she just can't leave me alone IYKWIM? Maybe I should work on 'cutting the cord' as some of my friends say :redface:

those are really good questions, Aimee ...

As my DS is still quite small, I haven't had those kinds of issues ...

If I was in your shoes though, I think I'd be trying to get a few more "planned" activities into the week, where she would be occupied, but I could have some mental breathing space ... like swimming lessons, kids library sessions, Mainly Music or another playgroup type activity, Sunday School, etc ...

Some of those things are free, others obviously cost money so it would depend on finances a bit, but it would at least give me a few times a week where for an hour of so, I have headspace and a bit of calm ...

Hopefully some other mummas with older kids can make give you some more imput :hug:

My 2.5 year old talks constantly unless she is asleep or watching TV. She is incapable of being quiet, or whispering, we just hear a constant stream of what she is thinking about. Fortunately, it doesn't bother me, I am/was exactly the same, got me into a lot of trouble at school, but I really feel for you needing personal space right now. I would be putting her in pre-school/daycare now if possible, even if not for your own mental break so you can reset a bit, but so that with the help of caring adults other than yourself, she can learn to integrate with children her own age since that is an issue for her. If you need a break during the day in the meantime, I would recommend going for a drive with music on, going to a playground (even if it is with younger babies/toddlers so your DD gives you enough space to feel in control). If you are feeling really stressed, is it possible for a relative to assist you during the day or give you some time out? :hug: