I'm not sure I'm capable of being a SAHM

I have two boys - DS1 22 months and DS2 3 months. In the last few months there have been many changes in our lives that I think have put my 22 month old toddler off balance. We've had a baby, moved house, me and his brother disappeared for a few days when he went into hospital and he's been spending more time than normal at the various grandparents place to give me some space with my newborn.

DS 1 has always been in childcare 3 days a week as I work part time. When I started maternity leave we decided to keep that up, primarily to keep the place at the centre but also to give him some continuity.

in the last few months his behaviour, sleeping, eating and general manner have been going downhill. I understand that a lot of this is quite normal for someone leading up to being 2 years old. But on the other hand I can't help but think that all of the changes have contributed in some way to him being so ver grumpy all the time.

I'm thinking that he might benefit from being at home with DS2 and I full time for a few months. I'm due to go back to work in February so he and DS2 will be commencing childcare in our new area.

However the idea of having two children at home with me all the time scares the living daylights out of me.

I'm scared I won't be any good at it.

I'm scared that I'll spend all day with a short fuse getting cranky.

I'm scared that I won't achieve anything.

I'm scared that taking DS1 out of childcare will make it even worse.

I'm scared that I won't be stimulating enough for my toddler.

I'm scared that I'll go completely bonkers.

Generally I'm pretty organised. Professionally I eat To Do lists for breakfast and kick arse. It's just the fact that I can't reason with these two little ones.

I'm blessed that DS2 is a pretty settled baby. I'm getting some decent stretches of sleep. He even puts himself to sleep most times! A miracle (compared to DS1 who I rocked to sleep, every sleep for 16 months)! My DH is very supportive and when he is home we are very much a team. He's home generally by 6 pm so we eat dinner together.

I dunno... It's like I know what I have to do but I'm really scared of doing it. I'm a very practical person and I can't imagine what my day would look like.

Fiona

Does he go to childcare at the moment? and if yes does he like it and seem to do ok there? If you think the problem is the changes then I probably wouldn't also make that change. Perhaps there are other ways you can incorporate some nice routine in his life (e.g. afternoon tea together after kindy), bedtime books just you and him. :hug:
Otherwise I am sure if you decide he will do better not going, that you will find a way to cope with the two of them. :hug:

Fiona I'm sure you will be fine, we are the harshest judges of ourselves. I'm on mat leave at the moment and have really gotten used to being a SAHM so much that I'm dreading going back to work and at the start i had some very similar concerns to you.
If you're thinking of dropping DS out of day care why no reduce his days to one or two days a week, so you know you have that day once or twice a week when its just you and DS2, (by the way it's also totally normal to have days where you feel you are going insane being a SAHM I'm sure everyone has that at some point, wel I hope so otherwise I'm not normal lol)
Think about the reassurance and advice you would give to someone else in your situation, I'm sure you would tell them not to be so hard on themselves. being a SAHM isn't for everyone and thats okay too but sometimes it's hard to realise that. Maybe you could look at it in the light that you know you will be going back to work in February and that it's a great opportunity to enjoy not having to rush out the door in the mornings (unless you want to).
If you're worried about stimulating DS1 maybe you could join a play group or toy library where you can go together and pick out new activities etc.
I hope this is of some help and not just a random ramble! Good luck with your decision xxx

Fiona, you will completely kick arse at anything you set your mind to. Including having 2 bumpkins at home.

Is he articulate enough to talk about whether he likes daycare, and whether he likes being there?

Or whether he'd like a regular afternoon tea date with mummy, like krysalyss suggested?

Or even changing down to 2 days, and then having a pool/library/cafe day or something?

I don't know how people manage to be SAHPs and get things done, so sorry I can't offer any practical suggestions ...

But it sounds like your mind is mostly made up ... :)

Ah, yes. It's hard to organise family work quite the same way you do your professional life.
You can structure your day somewhat with activities .
Above all, I think you have to modify your expectations.

I'm scared I won't be any good at it. - You'll do well in their eyes. Sometimes you'll make mistakes and feel like crap, but that's part of being a mum.

I'm scared that I'll spend all day with a short fuse getting cranky. - Try and organise activities for the three of you, it's harder to be cranky when you go out (works for the kids too)

I'm scared that I won't achieve anything. - what are you staying home to achieve?

I'm scared that taking DS1 out of childcare will make it even worse. - One way to find out.

I'm scared that I won't be stimulating enough for my toddler. - Trust me. You are. Try to find the fun - when all else fails I start singign and dancing. very badly.

I'm scared that I'll go completely bonkers. - This is possible. But it can be fun too.

He is still going 2 days a week. The first day he went since we've been in our new house (it's a week yesterday) he didn't want to get into the car. Since we started packing he's been crying when I've left him which he hasn't done for a very long time.

Perhaps I just need to let things settle a bit. Now that we are in our new house things should hopefully develop into more of a routine.

Maybe I need to have more one on one time with him....

If you end up deciding to keep him you you will manage!
I was scared too before DD2 came along but what everyone said was true. You just work it out! You get into a rhythm and then wonder what you were worried about :hug:

My DD used to go to childcare three days a week when I was working, now is down to two as recently had DS. I decided to keep her in still 2 days a week because when I go back to work next Oct she will have to be in childcare three days a week again, and I didn't want to lose her place and have to get her used to it again. So they were my main reasons, now though I think my main reason is to give DS and I some time on our own and for if I have things to do, I do on the days she is in childcare so the other three days I can focus on having time with her, and time for the three of us together. I think I would struggle with both at home full time (no family support here to give me a break at all) and we would end up having 5 days together but they wouldn't be such good days IYKWIM. Since DS came along she has had many days where she hasn't wanted to go to childcare, and has cried which she wasn't doing previously - but she is fine after I have left her and is happy there all day apparently and likes talking about it when she gets home (she even asked to go on a Sunday) so although she appears upset when we say she is going - she obviously isn't really - is it just a going there thing with your DS1 too, is he fine after you have left him.

If I was you I would wait and let it settle a bit more - if you have only been in your new house a week is still early days IMO.

I know when I had my second son my first born started to get upset when he was left at daycare I think it was to do with the fact that he was being left and the baby was coming with me. I would probably leave him in daycare even just one day a week, it may be harder to re introduce him to it in a few months time.

I found that DS1 was still happy to go to occasional daycare for a little while after his little brother was born, but then once DS2 was a bit bigger the idea dawned on DS1 that I was staying home with DS2 and doing things without him. Then he stopped wanting to go.

There are days when i almost hate being a SAHM. There are days i go bonkers. There are days when, not only do i get nothing done, but i actully take two steps backwards. But there's always good stuff too.

I think spending time with the older one is very important. I used to find myself saying just wait til i hang the wash or whatever, but i had to stop that.

Stimulating - pfft, you'll be fine. You'll be fab, Fiona. Don't look to me for playdough recipes, but all that sort of stuff is gold to them and they love sharing it with you. We bake, we wash dishes - things i didn't think were stimulating but that he loves to help me with. And it takes 4 times as long, but we are both sharing time and it's all learning to him. Even getting groceries can be a huge chore, but it's still learning for your toddler and they proabably love it more than you think.

While DS2 is little and having two or three sleeps, it will be a great time to spend with DS1. DD used to want to do things like jigsaws but DS would just try to eat the pieces and destroy everything so I used to tell her we'd wait til he was asleep, then it'd be our special thing to do together. She used to really look forward to that.

Give yourself time to settle into things. If you decide to keep DS1 home for a bit, then get organised. You make lists? Make some lists. List everything you'd like to achieve, then screw it up and throw it in the bin :rofl:

Nah seriously. If there are things you need to get done to feel like you are "on top" of things (and this is my current issue) then list them out and nominate one or two things for each day. Ie Monday - grocery shopping. Tuesday - change sheets and/or towels. Wednesday - wash my/DH clothes. Etc etc. That's the way I try to approach it - but its all been complicated by returning to work ;)

As for being stimulating enough? You're his mum - you will be great!

And if all else fails - watch Mr Maker on ABC2 and get some ideas ;)

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However the idea of having two children at home with me all the time scares the living daylights out of me.

I'm scared I won't be any good at it.

I'm scared that I'll spend all day with a short fuse getting cranky.

I'm scared that I won't achieve anything.

I'm scared that taking DS1 out of childcare will make it even worse.

I'm scared that I won't be stimulating enough for my toddler.

I'm scared that I'll go completely bonkers.

Generally I'm pretty organised. Professionally I eat To Do lists for breakfast and kick arse. It's just the fact that I can't reason with these two little ones.

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Wow hun, I think you just described how I felt before I had DS2. We even moved house when I was pg with DS2! The age gap between mine is similar to yours (20 months) too. I don't know if there's an easy answer for you - having two young (really young) kids can have its challenges. Some days are diamonds, others are coal. Some days you won't achieve much and the kids will drive you bonkers ... other days they'll be good as gold and you'll get stuff done.

I think the challenge for us practical, reasonably organised people is accepting that some things are out of our control. I know I can be very hard on myself when I "think" I'm going to do x,y,z during the day and I achieve none of it. I've also learnt to preempt/mitigate potential issues. Such as getting out of the house on time ... many, MANY months after DS2 was born I finally realised that whatever time I thought it would take to get ready and leave the house, I need to add an extra 30-40 mins on top of it. Some days in my head, I still think I'm capable of operating as a woman with no children ie/ get ready and be out the door in a flash. LOL. I think as time goes on it gets easier.

As for your DS1, it's a period of adjustment for him but my DS1 went through exactly the same thing at the same age (he's still not a great eater and sleeper) and he's turned out fine (barring the odd tanty). I do think it's probably less to do with how he's "feeling" and more to do with impending independence from mum and dad. He's probably worked out he has some control over his actions and is exercising them. Just a thought, anyway.

Try not to be scared ... it's a transition for you too and you'll adjust. Managing having two tiny kids does get easier ... why else would I be trying to have a third ;)

ETA to say that we kept DS1 in childcare two days/week after DS2 was born - it was part of his weekly routine pre-DS2 and we felt it best to keep up with his normal routine post-DS2. It still meant he got 3 days home with mum.

As a full time sahm, I think your biggest challenge will be that sense of achievement that professional life gives you. For me 'achieving' is something I had to let go of...looking after kids is an achievement in itself.

My days are generally slow and focussed on home. We try and leave the house once a day and are home by 4pm for play school and wind down before baths at 5pm (I bath kids and put baby to bed before dh gets home).

Most days I find a job to do outside the house and that is our outing (otherwise it's a kid focussed activity). I catch up with a friend once a week and often eat lunch out for something to do.

Before having kids I was an avid crafted and sewer and I'm sad to say that has all fallen by the wayside...BUT I will never get this time back again. Yes I am cranky somedays, so we just stay in our pj's. Yes I feel bonkers some days, so I go into the city and soak up the atmosphere.

One thing about being a sahm is you are in control of you and your kids, and you can choose what you do. I don't ever make appointments or give exact times anymore...I just go with the flow and try my best.

Surrender is the hardest step, but then the rest flows easily.

Good luck!

you will be awesome, yes it does get tough.

My 2 and half yr old goes to daycare twice a week and just loves it.

My 4 and half yr old is at kinder 4 days a week for 3 hrs.

we have playgroup on wednesdays

you will have great days n others will be shockers....:o) nothing to be scared or worried about