Obsession with sleep - when will it end?

I think I spend way too much time worrying about DS's sleep. Right now it's not too bad, but not what the books say it "should" be... I'm trying to relax and just enjoy him, but it's always on my mind. Is that normal?
DS is a catnapper, but will randomly sleep for 2 hours some days for no reason I can figure out. It doesn't really bother me, other than I'd like to have more of a routine to my day. His night sleep is generally okay, but then "the books say" to expect regression at 4 months and more problems at 6 months. Other mothers, who I'm sure mean well and want to be helpful, tell their experiences about their babies who stopped sleeping at 6 months, or started wanting to feed overnight again after sleeping through for months, or a variety of war stories that send me straight to Dr Google.
I can't settle him with wrapping, a cuddle and into his cot awake the way the experts say you should (he just screams and cries, and no amount of "pat shush" will work) - we've found a ritual where when he gets tired, I pop him in his bouncer in the living room and bounce him till his eyes close, then I take him to his room, turn on his white noise, swaddle him, give him a quick cuddle and put him in his cot - he's already in a light sleep at that stage. Is this preventing him from self-settling, and will I pay for it in the coming months? Am I the reason he's a catnapper? At night, he gets fed to sleep at bedtime, and I feed him when he wakes overnight - he's only been waking once or twice the last few weeks, so I assume he's hungry, but someone suggested to me that I just need to try to resettle him without the feed. I'm not going to deny him a feed at night at this age, but then I think, when do you stop offering the feed as the first option for night waking, and try to resettle without it?
A girlfriend of mine whose bub is the same age is letting her LO cry for up to 10 minutes at a time, and I just can't do it. I feel happy with my decision not to, but her different approach to teaching her baby to sleep gets me thinking again about what I could/should be doing differently.
Just a rant from me, feeling a little overwhelmed with making the "right" choices now and not setting up any props or bad habits that will be impossible to break later...

I could have written your post, and i think I did when dd was that age. Only you are the mum to your ds. Only you know what feels right to your heart and what makes your ds happy.

I'm a feed to sleep kind of mum. I wasn't always this way, but in the end I just chose what my babies wanted and what was easiest for me. Ds sleeps great being fed to sleep. What does that even mean? It means I am coping well and he's happy and getting enough sleep. If you scratch the surface I could tell you he only really cat naps in the day (2 one hour sleeps) and that this evening he has woken twice already (and would feed prob three times before morning).

You said you want more routine to your day....that will most likely come as your bub gets older. Once they have solids and you can plan to feed them at a certain time, you can also massage their sleep times a bit more. Ds always has dinner bath and goes to bed at the same time...the days are more flexible because I also have a toddler.

You are doing an awesome job. If I could talk to myself two years ago with dd I would tell myself to burn the books and stop looking at the clock. I would tell myself to take the baby to bed with me every morning and sleep when she did. I would not think about night feeds and just cosleep every night. I do all that now but it's a journey I had to travel on.

It's a massive learning curve and you're doing really well. Relaxing about sleep will come when you feel confident in yourself. Maybe try not to talk about it with others...sleep is not a metric of parenting. :hug:

P.s. I taught my dd to self settle, but she still woke for night feeds until eighteen months when I night weaned her, and then I had to give her bananas because she was hungry! Ds has self settled since birth, but still cat naps and wakes frequenly just for reassurance. There ARE no bad habits. I know kids who were left to cry who woke every night and cried out until they were toddlers and learnt to climb out of the cot...and get into bed with their parents. I would rather reassure my child and feel good in my heart.

You won't remember how many naps ds has at any point in time, but you WILL remember how you felt about him and his sleep. Please don't chase sleep. :hug:

I just couldn't stop by and say your doing great :hugs:

But...

Relax!!!! Your bub is only small ONCE!!!!! You don't get this time back! Going with the flo for me put all 3 of my dds into their own routine. I just listened... I got so uptight recording everything at the start with dd1, threw it out the window and have never looked back!! Life is too short :)


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Mummie to
Lucy Alys (July '06)
Minnie Audrey (July '09)
Pippi Violet (oct '11)

You know what?

Chill.

Are you rested? Is your baby rested enough to learn during the day? That's all that matters. Forget books, other children, getting to sleep methods - ever heard of a 30yo needing his mother to feed/bounce/pat-shush/cuddle him to sleep? You have a routine that works for you for now - that's great.

FWIW, I fed my DS to sleep for as long as I could (when he stopped feeding to sleep and started snacking at night, that's when I stopped feeding in the middle of the night). I rocked him. I bounced him. I patted him. I cuddled him. I read to him. I sang to him. I was up in the night whenever he needed me.

Age 4, he decides he can go to sleep by himself and does so. But not before giving me a big cuddle and telling me he loves me. I reckon I rock as a parent without listening to "shoulds" or books.

I obsess over A's ssleep too! they are a similar age. Im not sure what the books say about sleep for their age? I dont follow any books honestly, I follow her prompts and tired signs. Also she most days needs to fit into my routine as I have 2 other kids that go to kinder etc, so unfortunately sometimes I need to wake her. Every baby is different re settling, try not to be hard on yourself thinking that its you, some babies are more cryers than others also. My first baby was such a cryer and so so hard to settle.

Whats his daily routine like now? Annabel still wakes up at night twice also, in answer to your question about night feeds, and when to stop offering, I will always offer if she wakes and is crying. The only time I wont offer at night is if she stirs does a little cry only lasts a min max and resettles back to sleep.

How are you going with watching his tired signs? I find with A if I see her first tired sign (yawning) and put her in her cot she will drift off to sleep quite easily without me needing to settle her other than patting her tummy and smiling at her. I dont follow a time routine at all, I just get her out of her cot when she wakes, feed her then playtime with her and then back to bed when she shows her tired signs (this generally will take around 90mins from waking to back to bed) so shes setting her own routine.

Does he get overtired and wont sleep?

What Arcadia said - and I reckon the more you relax about sleep the better for everyone.

My DD was always a bit of a catnapper in the day and great at night, I worried for a bit about her day sleeping then just gave up caring about the fact I used the bouncer (pretty much as you did) and used white noise too - pretty much as soon as I stopped caring she started getting into a bit longer sleeps in the day and would settle in the cot not everyday but every so often, gradually she just got better all the time.

My DS is about the same age as yours, he is pretty much the same, sometimes he sleeps in bouncer, sometimes in cot, sometimes in our bed, sometimes in the pram, whatever works so he isn't grumpy. My only rule is never to keep awake if they clearly want to sleep.

I personally do not believe 'bad habits' whatever they are, are as easy to set up as people make out. You can do things one way for a while and then switch, in my opinion you just go with the flow for what suits you at the time. I am a very non -routine person so I cope well with baby not really having a routine but I know it can be difficult for adults if they prefer a routine - and like Arcadia says when they get older about 8 months I reckon is easier to get into more of a set pattern.

In terms of overnight feeding, I always found it much easier to just feed to resettle even when my DD probably didn't need it and she just dropped it in her own time.

I had (have?) a bad sleeper too and also became completely obsessed. My big issue was making her sleep to a routine and in her cot at all times.

I now have a child who sleeps through every night BUT despises her cot and hates going to bed :(

I think you have to do what you need to do to get sleep and then deal with the consequences later! They are constantly changing their habits, you can never get one step ahead!

I can absolutely assure you that you are not the only one! I am promising myself I will do things differently with this baby but bets are on, I will still obsess!!!

I think you're doing a great job! Don't worry about the books and people with "shoulds" You keep doing what is working for you and feels right. Offer the feed as first option for as long as you and your bub want, why not? A cat napper is a cat napper you haven't made him like that he just is. The books don't take into account that all babies are actually different. The same as all adults are different. Not everyone has the same sleep patterns. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep. Just like some people eat more than others or have different taste to others. All babies are different, it's just logical really.
You're doing great keep up the good work :)

Also my DS1 was a terrible sleeper, I let him sleep on the lounge through the day, just so he slept. He dropped a day sleep completely at about 12 months. He would only go to sleep on me until about 12-18months. He slept with me in my bed every night until he was 2, then most nights until he was 3. Everyone told me he would never sleep on his own he would be too dependant etc etc. Well I'm happy to report he is now 20 and sleeps just fine on his own and is a very happy healthy independent person. ...He did start sleeping on his own when he was much younger than 20 though :p About 4yrs he only ever got into my bed if he was sick or scared.

I used to also bounce my baby to sleep :D
I used to push her in the pram for day sleeps.
"everyone" told me I was making a rod for my own back- but guess what?
One day I put my DD in the cot and she self settled.
I think every baby is different and as a parent, we do whatever works for us.
My DD self settled at night from about 6 months.
Day sleeps from about 8 months- and now at 21 months- we're back to square 1 with the day sleeps.
Long, rambling post- but my point is- you are doing a GREAT job!

Oh wow I came on here to write a post and could have written yours exactly!!
I'll still start my own cos I don't want to hijack yours but hopefully we both find contentment soon :)


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Different babies like/dilike different things.

you just have to find something that works for bubbs and you.

maybe when you know he is showing signs of being tired put him in his cot

he is only 3 months he will find his routine and will change

I thought I was doing something wrong when I couldn't put my babies into bed sleepy but awake - they had to feed/cuddle to sleep and then it was a battle to get them into bed without them snapping awake. Now I have my third baby who is happy to go to sleep in her cot even though I have done nothing different and I am now thinking that it is simply a case of some kids do and some kids don't.

Thanks everyone for your posts.

Belle - "the books say" he should be having 2 x 2-hour day naps plus another 45 minutes in the late afternoon. Ha! Right now he's feeding every 2.5 hours and having 2 or 3 x 40 to 60-minute naps. I admit I struggled recognising his tired signs to start, but feel on top of them now. But no, I can't just put him down when I see him getting tired (after about 90 minutes of awake time, too) - he'll cry as soon as I put him in his cot. And by cry, I mean scream. I'll leave him to babble or sook, but can't stand to hear him distressed. I left him for about 3 or 4 minutes once, to see if that would work, and he got so incredibly worked up, I'm sure it traumatised the both of us. Never again! I've found he needs assistance to settle during the day. It started with plenty of time spent rocking and and swaying as he fought sleep. Bouncing him in the living room is a compromise that seems to work at the moment - he falls asleep within a couple of minutes usually, and will nap for up to 2 or 3 hours some days (wish I knew how that happens some days and not others!).

organic girl - I record everything! At the end of every day, I say to myself no more, tomorrow I'll just relax and go with the flow ... then in the morning I find myself jotting down his awake, asleep and feeding times yet again.

Arcadia - I am hoping that with solids will come an opportunity to structure our day a little more because I am the type of person to feel more confident with predictability and routine.

I guess the lesson here is to relax! Wish it was in my DNA to chill out a little more. :lol: But I will try. And it's true about them only being this little once - I don't think I enjoyed much of being a mother for the first 8 weeks - I was struggling too much with feeding and sleeping that I couldn't even embrace finally becoming a mum. And it makes me sad to realise I wasted time in a bizarre fog of feeling shocked and out of control instead of immersing myself in that first bub love. Now, some days I feel very zen about the whole thing, and others I feel quite overwhelmed. I guess that's all part of parenting!

There's a bit of advice I've heard many times around here - Just because you've read all the books doesn't mean your baby has ;)

TeniBear - very good advice! Made me laugh - then feel a little annoyed that these "experts" write these books at all! Going to stick with Baby Love, I think. Robin Barker seems to dislike the idea of routines almost as much as my boy does! :)