I don't even know where to start, I'm not even sure this is where I should be posting...
I found out today, no actually, it was confirmed today, that I have lost my baby, like somehow I have misplaced my baby in my body and the doctors can't find it anymore. My baby has died, stop growing, never started to grow.
I have all of these thoughts in my head and the only place to put them in on here. I can not believe I am back here AGAIN!!!!!!!!! I am 26years old, have no had 2 miscarraiges and 1 live baby girl. I am 26years old and have had 3 pregnancy with 1 viable. Oh how i just HATE that work viable - you either have a 'viable pregnancy' or 'no evidence of a viable pregnancy' great wording to read.
My doctor has to organise for me to have a D&C - i have to call them tomorrow at 10am to find out when a doctor, who i have never met, doesn't know me, will remove what is left of my baby from my body. I have to sign a god damn peice of paper given them permission to remove my baby.
I wish i was strong enough to wait, to wait to have a natural miscarrage, to see if my body would naturally start the process, but I'm not strong, I am weak, I can't not go through that again, it tooks me months to recover from my first miscarrige, and that was only because I feel pregnant with my daughter after ' not caring anymore, and just giving up on trying', that's when I feel pregant. I am not strong enough to wait, there is no possible chance that a baby is going to grow - my heart knows that this baby is not meant for this world, i know this baby is not meant for this world - but I am a mother and as a mother I have hope still, and that hope is scaring the hell out of me!
What if I do wait, what if i wait and i have a miracle baby - again - there is no chance of that happening, I am not a doctor but the dates, the measurements, there will be no baby - which is why i need to D&C - I need it so i know there is no baby, becuase right now, I feel empty, I don't feel pregnant - but if I POAS it says I am - my HCG levels say I am - but I am not.
This is the one place that i feel safe to tell my side of the story, to say everything that is on my mind and be able to communicate it without crying and stopping and starring into nothingness.... Here I can just stop typing for a moment and remember that I 'lost' my baby - i get sad then i start typing again and feel better - or at least feel like i am starting to heal.. I hope I am...
This has been going on for about 2 weeks now, I think 2 weeks ago when is started bleeding and having pain, i think i knew this would be the outcome, I didn't want it to be, well no that is a lie, at first i was so damn scared that i was pregnany i cried and instead of talking to DF I hoped in my car and just drove! it tooks me 2hrs to go from crap this is wrong timing, this isn't what we planned for - to omg we are going to have another baby - let's do it! Then of course once we were on board and super excited I start to bleed... that's when i thought, yep not going to happen, again....
I feel better having written this, and thank you everyone who has read it... I will update this more once I know what is going on......
