Funerals and kids?

Dh's Nanna passed away today. Unfortunately Dh is overseas with his job at the moment and wont be here for the funeral. He really wants me to go in his stead but I obviously have 3 kids to worry about. If its a weekend I have babysitting available to be able to go solo but if its weekday (and my inlaws are trying hard to make it a weekend) then Im stuck. Aside from splitting up the kids if I can find friends to take them I have no other option but to take them.

Whats the etiquette for kids and funerals? I can remember attending funerals quite young of family members. Is it a immediate family kids only? Is it no kids at all for the service? No kids at all period? Im happy to try and book a hotel with babysitting if I have to.

Depends on the child. I would say children are people and therefore are welcome at events people are - so long as they behave like adults when appropriate.

If your children can sit still and quiet for the service, join in respectfully with any singing they may have to do, behave appropriately at the wake - then take them.

it really depends on the kids and the relationship you have with the person i think
i took DD to my great uncle's funeral on Wednesday. he was a grandfather figure in her life and adored her (and she him) - plus we had to drive 6 hours each way. there was no one we could leave her with for that amount of time

no one even raised an eyebrow at her being there. she was one of about 10 kids (at a guess) at a church/cathedral service, with a packed house - and it was just what it was. one mum had to take her kids outside as they just weren't coping with the solemnity of the moment, but none of the others did (kids ranging from about 8 weeks up to 11)

if you feel that they will be ok, there is no reason not to take them - but ultimately only you can decide if they'll cope. will your IL's help you out if it gets too much for you wrangling all three?

hmmm normally I would say for littlies who are unlikely to be quite that its not a good idea HOWEVER, in your instance the children are the great grandchildren. Therefore I think they should be there, they are related, and as much a part of Nannas family as anyone else.

:hug: Nae x

Im not entirely sure BG. They know my predicament so thats why theyre going to try and make it a friday/saturday funeral so I dont have to choose. Its important to DH that Im there when he cant be. I think Ds1 would be fine, the other two not so much. I cant take one but not the others; but Ds2 has autism and Im not entirely sure how he would go being left with friends and Ds3 isnt even 3 and has never been away from me while at someone else's house iykwim?

yeah i totally get that - it's the same reason we took DD to my uncles funeral. do you have anyone that can cope with the boys outside for a while if it gets too much for them inside - so they're only apart from you a short time?

I went to my pops and my granny's funerals. I think its fine for kids to attend Hun as they also need the opportunity to grieve and say goodbye.


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I dont think so. We're waiting to see what the funeral day is before we try and organise something. Theyre trying for a friday but its not looking likely. Its a bit of a painful situation because any of the people Id leave them with here, their husbands work away or are way in similar job to my DH so I feel bad asking them to take on one of mine for 2 nights even though theyve offered. My bestie will have them at our house if its a friday/weekend because her hubby is home on from friday-sunday.

Will the funeral be at a church or funeral home. I do a few funerals amd if it's at a church you can usually ask if someone would be available to look after the children in the creche. Sometimes there is a small fee for this person.

Im guessing it will be at a funeral home but it could be a church. Thanks for letting me know about that possibility Rivlas, I will definately make sure to ask if its a church funeral.

I took my DDs to my grandmother's funeral which was in a chapel at the cemetery. They had a special, sound proofed room with a big window so that if any kids were being a bit rowdy someone could take them in there but that person could still hear the service and see what was going on.

Not sure if that's a normal kind of thing in funeral chapels - I've never had a need to ask previously - but might be worth asking.

sounds like you think DS2 will find it difficult to cope and DS3 is too young to really understand/manage his behaviour for the length of time needed. Maybe the hotel with babysitting available is the safest option and then you can go - feel comfortable that you are there - AND be around your kids when you need to be - you will also only be a phone call away if the babysitter is struggling.

At the same time - as they are family - I actually think most people would understand and (hopefully) help you manage them during the ceremony..... could you bring a nintendo ds or something to keep DS2 occupied perhaps? if you sit at the back maybe it won't be noticed as too much of a problem
Also talking to the kids and setting up the rules beforehand about what is okay behaviour at a funeral will be important - maybe a social story for DS2 about what happens in a funeral would be helpful.
If you don't know about social stories - google Carol Grey and social stories - which should give you a hint.

good luck - I hope whatever happens you feel okay and supported through the process.

Ya, its correct myturn. I think parents should encourage children of all ages to attend funerals and other death rituals, but should not force them.:wall: