Family Law question/advice -DSS wants to stay with us - ADVICE

** Mods i couldnt find an appropriate section, so thought this would be the best place to have this thread**

OK, I will try and keep this as brief and factual as possible for those that are reading as i would really appreciate some help!

Start of August, we got a call from DSS Mum, there were issues, she threatened him with violence while on the phone with us, we suggested he come stay with us for a while.
13th August DSS comes for his weekend Visit and is to stay.
Schooling doesn't change, we live further away, so he catches a train and rides a bike (previously he just rode to school)

After about a month DSS expresses that he wants to continue living with us (we had discussed this with him previously so it was not out of the blue - more we said that our door was always open and if he was happier and doing better here, that it would be fine with us)
Anyway, we discuss it and say that we think that he should go to him mums in the school holidays and make he discussion after that, just to make sure it wasn't because he was living here. We contact Family relationships Australia (FRA) and DH goes in for a mediation session, to discuss this.
After returning from school hols, he confirms that he wants to permanently move in with us
DH contacts FRA again, and tells them of DSS wishes and that we would support him etc etc they say they wll send a letter to DSSs mum for a meeting

DSS tells us that he has mentioned this in passing to his Mum and she got really angry and said that he was not allowed to.

DSS's Mum received the letter for FRA mediation and contacts DH and goes nuts saying that he cannot have him etc etc - very nasty...
She then turns up at DSS school and asks him if he wants to live with DH - he replied he did and to that she replied - 'well i dont like it, but i will support your decision'
DSS returns home here elated that it went so well!

Following week, she is contacted by child support as we dont want to keep paying her (she received Single parent pension and CS for August, September and October and is still claiming it) She then calls DH screaming, saying DSS never told her and he has to come home (this was a Wednesday night) DSS speaks to her and repeats he wants to stay here etc etc
THat night DSS calls her and tries to talk to her - she orders him home that weekend and he feels obliged. DSS has 2 sleepless nights before going home to her...
HE says for one week (last week) and then comes back here on Friday.

Last nigh he announces that he is not going back to her house.
We tell him to call her (cos if we do it, it will end in a shouting match) and she tells him again that he has to return home, she will not let him stay etc etc etc.

DSS tells us that he is coming home to us tonight, saying 'I told her nicely, then i asked her now I am just doing it'

Poor DSS didnt sleep last night - neither did I. Everyone is worried about tonight, she expects him Home and he wont be going.

I have been to the police station and they said that as there are no court orders in place, they would not remove DSS if she called them.

I feel sick, i cant imagine what he must be going through at school.
She is a real loose cannon, and i am worried about what she might do, the police suggested an AVO, however i worry that this may just inflame the situation.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated

Where do we stand legally?

DSS is 13 almost 14


thanks

Oh hun, what a difficult situation!

I have no real advice other than to try contact the Family Court and see if you can get a referral to legal aid or something, plus make sure you advise FRA of the developments.

Big hugs hun.

This has always been one of my worst nightmares with my ex - I top toe around him constantly to reassure myself that one day he won't just keep DD.

:hug::hug: to you all - I can imagine that your so anxious about it all - waiting for it all to hit the fan!

I dont really have any advice - I did the same thing when I was that age except there was a court order and they could keep taking me home again - after the 10th time my dad got the message though and I was allowed to move permanently.

I really hope it goes well - it probably won't but she will need time to get used to the idea too - tonight she will be reacting.

Sending you my thoughts - it must be so hard for DSS to hurt his mums feelings for his own sake - he sounds very strong!


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I have a feeling a lot of her problem is that she doesn't want to loose her Single Pension (is he her only child?) if he is her only child or youngest then she would have to change payments etc. That may be part of her motivation for wanting him to stay with her. Either way she isn't having him for the percentage of care that she is probably claiming for FTB......and when money comes into things it can get dicey.

I too would try and contact legal aid to get some advice and maybe get the ball in motion re legal care. Re Centrelink if he is living with you even if it isn't through a court order you have the right to ring and notify that he is now in your care. That would open a huge can of worms though as she would get a letter asking her to verify care etc etc. So you would need to be prepared for the repercussions.

oh poo ( can't post the word I really wanted to use)

I wish I had some advice but its not something I know about. I'm hear to chat though. you're an awesome step mum and dss is so lucky to have you and dh. I feel so sad for him.

hopefully divvy will see this, its what she does for a living, so she will be able to give some good advice. maybe pm her and let her know about this thread.

xxxxx

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From what I've been told, once a child is 12 the wishes of the child are taken into consideration with where they live.

I'd contact CSA, well get your DH to contact CSA and talk to them. Also re-contact FRA. I'd also notify the school of the wishes of your DSS.

Thanks guys,

DH is waiting to see if a letter from FRA is in the mail today, she refused to go to the first meeting and then when she got the letter about no attendance (the one that says to use in court) she contacted them and apparently she went last wednesday. If there is no letter he will call them tomorrow.

DSS is aware of the situation going on - TBH i think they are sick of her...

Ash - I am sure that there is some sort of grieving going on, but she is not the mother that you are... there are a couple of threads on here about her, she has used drugs on and off, has had a fail workcover claim, now is trying for a TAC disability and has emotionally abused DSS for years...
She has never tip toed around us, she believed and still does that DSS is her possession to use for money and self gain (mostly pity :()
Recently she threatened to kill herself so that her sister would understand what a burden he is (in front of him)
So while i understand your point - he is sick of the situation and his school work has fallen behind as he is cooking dinner or doing housework for her, last Thursday he did her filing instead of homework and as a result had to spend the entire day Saturday at our place doing his assignment.
Sorry if that comes across abrupt...

Megs - you hit the nail on the head :(

Thanks LB :) xx

DH just rang, she called and has been screaming about how its not fair for her and she needs the income, how will she cope... DH responded with 'its not about you, its about DSS and how he will cope...

Div's doing circut court most of this week, I know she is currently in court, hopefully she'll read this thread tonight.

Sopdet, I heard the same thing, although recently I read that the age didn't necessarily matter, it was more about their ability to reason... Not sure thou

Thanks for the info about Divvy :)


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Not abrupt at all - I didn't realise. How horrible for him to have to deal with a mother like that - I hope it all gets sorted tonight for all of your sake :hug:


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When my DSS was 12 and about to start high school he made the choice to come and live with us. He had wanted to for quite a while and we had always told him that he was welcome to live with us. We were moving into our new house around the same time which would have a room for each of the DSS's as well as space for our DS who I was almost due with.

We knew his mum wouldn't be happy about it so looked into the age issue just in case his mum made waves about things, but also found that once a child was around 12 years of age and seemed competent to make choices, then what they wanted would generally make the strongest case if it went to court.

His mum was quite upset when he told her his decision, and she tried to blackmail him with the whole "but what about your brother?". He brought it up with us and realised that he would still be spending the majority of nights with his brother regardless of who the "primary" care giver was based on weekends together and other factors.

We were a little shocked when his mum brought over his stuff and showed us what stuff was DSS1's and then pointed to another pile and told it it was all of DSS2's stuff! Apparently she decided that both were coming to live with us, not just the elder one. Fine with us, lol. Our only concern was that the younger one would be upset because he was always a bit of a "mummy's boy". After discussing it with him he decided he wanted to try staying here, and when we said that after a month he can choose (because we wouldn't make him live here if he didn't want to) he told us "I think I'll want to stay after a month because my baby brother or sister will be here then". How cute is that?!

It's now been more than 2 1/2 years that they've lived with us and neither of them have looked back. We've asked them from time to time if they are happy here or would want to go back, and they seem to feel like going back would be us punishing them for something, lol!!! In fact, when we've had behavioural issues with the older one (he's 14 and had ADHD and Asperger's) he's sometimes "threatened" to go back to his mum's, but when we've told him to grab his bags and we'll drive him he's always backed down haha.

As for child support, well that should all be based purely on the number of nights he spends at each house, and the income of the mum and dad (partner's income doesn't come into it). You can work it all out using the child support calculator online if you want to do it independently. Even thought we have the DSS's here the majority of the time we still actually pay CS to the mum as DH's income is more than hers. I'd recommend keeping a strict record of the time he spends at both houses so you have proof if anything goes bad. We kept a record for over a year just in case.

Good luck with everything and I hope things calm down soon. It must be really hard on your DSS.

I dont know much about this but have read on previous threads that if you require help from legal aid, it's best for you to contact them first, before she does, as they can only represent one party. I'd want a family order made so she can stop the harrassment. It's probably worth calling them.

Your poor DSS. Would he benefit from getting counselling?

Mylitta has made a very good point. Document every night that he has stayed with you and when it has begun from, it is highly likely that she will dispute when he entered your care and left hers.

Thanks for sharing Mylitta - i didnt know that we could still have to pay her CS even though he spends the majority of time here! I have written on the Calendar when he has come and gone, so it is easy to track, and everytime something out of the ordinary happens i make a note in my phone calendar now...

Lions and bears - i am pretty sure that we cant use them as she has seen the previously (when they split in 1999) but we contacted them for advice years later and they still would not speak with us... which is a bit annoying - but there you go!

It's true about the CS. If my wage increases just a bit I will have to start paying my ex child support. My DD only see him every second weekend.
What makes it particularly sucky is that in 8years I have received a grand TOTAL of $668 from him. I have not received a cent in over five years :shakehead:

My advice is get a parenting order pronto.

Sammiejane - your DH's ex and mine could be twins. DSS (16) will not be returning to school next year and will be working so he is no longer the cash cow that his mother requires, so you can bet your "A" that he will no longer be living with her.

With regards to writing things on calendars beware! We had an informal shared care arrangement. DH wrote down all times that the kids stayed with us, what essentials we had to buy them (shoes/clothing etc). He submitted this to CSA. CSA wrote a letter to the ex and she disagreed with the number of days that we had them. CSA took the ex's word for it and DH basically got a "too bad, so sad" letter and had to continue to pay full maintenance.

I agree with N2L - get a parenting order!

sounds like you are handling it really well, informing the police, and going through all the correct channels etc. i feel really sorry for him, it must be a tough situation. hugs to all.

Quick update...

She rang DSS at school and told him that she was ok with him coming to our house...

Tonight she called DSS and yelled at
him as he didn't address a group invitation to a school thing this week personally enough :rolleyes:
When DSS got off the phone, he said 'Just a while lot of nastiness'

DSS has denied he need any additional support, we have encouraged him to see his school counsellor, but he doesn't want to go.
We are reluctant to push the issue.

Thanks everyone for your support :)



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