I wouldn't cope

A friend has asked me to babysit her kids for a whole day. Being true to myself, I know that I wouldn't be able to cope with her kids, as well as mine! I struggle some days with just my two.
I feel bad though, because I know she desperately needs a break from them, and time alone with hubby. I feel like its up to me to provide her with the opportunity (I have narcissistic parents so its kind of ingrained in me to please everyone around me, iykwim?). I know it isn't up to me, deep down.
I just can't do it, though, and I am having trouble breaking it to her.
Can someone help me with some suggestions as to how I can tell her no, without upsetting her?

I think the best thing to do is be honest with her and tell her you can't manage her kids and yours all at once. Just be straight up, if you make up some excuse then she will ask you again next time. If she is a good friend she will understand. Just remember it's ok to say no to ppl.

I agree be honest tell her what you have said here. You would love to help her but you don't think you could cope with all of them.

I'd have to agree, be honest with her.
Say you'd love to help but you honestly don't think you could handle having hers & yours all at the same time.

Yeah I can't give an excise anyway coz she hasn't given me a day and time..I just am finding it so hard to say "Im sorry, I don't think I could cope with 4 children all up, 3 of which are the same age"
I'm worried as she is quite sensitive, and reads into things too much. I dont know her that well tbh and I feel like I'm her only option. It's a huge ask for me, as its not for a few hours, its for a whole day. So I'd have to look after and feed 4 kids breakfast, lunch and possibly dinner, TT one child (she is currently training him), then another child is in a nappy (my 1yo), my 1yo is teething, my 3yo is bossy and pushes her sister around and I worry my 3yo will influence her two kids to bully my 1yo too. Just the thought makes me want to cry and run :(

Explain all that to her hun, it's all valid.


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

Just be honest. It's a completely valid reason.

Or do you have a mutual friend that could help? You could both look after all the kids for a day. Then one day they could return the favour for you :)

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Or do you have a mutual friend that could help? You could both look after all the kids for a day. Then one day they could return the favour for you :)

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Nope, no mutual friends, and she wouldn't return the favour, she has told me she wouldnt look after both my girls on top of her 2 (seems unfair she would ask me to do so if she herself wouldn't)

Just sent her a message and told her I don't think I could cope with the 4 kids on my own, then suggested some one who may be able to.

Argh.

sound like that was a great idea :-) you've sent her the message and now if/when she calls you can just repeat it "I'm sorry, I really can't cope with that many children"
If she makes a fuss or starts "carrying on" - you could always say something like "I'm sorry, I wish it was different, but I've already given you my answer."
and if she STILL keeps going.... "I've already said I just can't do it, I don't feel comfortable with you still asking me, can you please stop".

If she keeps going after that then you have given her plenty of warning and it would be fair for you to say "I'm sorry, I am going to have to hang up/leave if you keep asking me."

try not to get in a discussion over text too much if you can avoid it - that can just get messy. If you find there is some ongoing back and forward via text it would probably be best to say "I don't think this is a conversation we should continue by text, I'm sorry I can't babysit, if you can to discuss we can speak. But I won't be able to respond to any more messages. Sorry."

I know it sounds short and harsh, but you just have to be firm! or else you'll be constantly walked all over!

You should be proud that you sent the text message in the first place.

last thing - remember that you cannot control the way that other people react - you only have control over yourself, so be honest and respectful in the way you deal with others and know that you have done the best you can. It is then up to her how she will handle/respond/deal with it. If she doens't deal well... then.... well, then you have to decide if it's a friendship that is supportive and one you want to keep, or whether you need to let the friendship go. You can feel assured that you have respected her and dealt with it well, then it doens't matter what she thinks/does - that is just her reacting badly to try and get what she wants - and that is not helpful for her.

You are helping her, by sticking up for yourself as well you know.

Hopefully she reacts well and none of this advice will be required - sorry it's long - but just in case I wanted to cover all options :-)

good luck!! xxx

Good on you! Completely sensible. I think a whole day is way to hard for most people - perhaps if you are really wanting to help you could offer to duck over there one night when the kids are in bed so they can do something else? You do have to take care of yourself and your family too - especially if it is one way traffic. I have a friend who whilst struggling expects a lot from everyone else and yet never helps others out which is quite draining. xxx
PS If someone is helping out etc I would not expect to impose my routines of sleep/tt on them -should be made as easy as possible for the helpers.

I totally get where you are coming from, don't think I could manage either. But, it sounds like your friend really needs a bit of time out... Is it possible for you to just take them for a couple of hours to give her that?

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Good on you! Completely sensible. I think a whole day is way to hard for most people - perhaps if you are really wanting to help you could offer to duck over there one night when the kids are in bed so they can do something else? You do have to take care of yourself and your family too - especially if it is one way traffic. I have a friend who whilst struggling expects a lot from everyone else and yet never helps others out which is quite draining. xxx
PS If someone is helping out etc I would not expect to impose my routines of sleep/tt on them -should be made as easy as possible for the helpers.

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Her children wont sleep without her so even she has said its not an option, even though I would prefer nights when they are asleep.

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I totally get where you are coming from, don't think I could manage either. But, it sounds like your friend really needs a bit of time out... Is it possible for you to just take them for a couple of hours to give her that?

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I would for a hour or so, but she wants to go out for the whole day.

I was going to suggest offering a few hours or asking if there was someone who could watch 1 or 2 of the kids while another friend watched the others? When my mum was a single parent and once in ablue moon took time out for herself we often ended up at different peoples houses as 3 kids was a lot to expect anyone to care for on top of there own.

I hope she is a good enough friend and respects your honesty and your willingness to compromise

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I would for a hour or so, but she wants to go out for the whole day.

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yeah, I just thought that perhaps you could offer a shorter time frame as an alternative rather than just giving a flat no.

TBH - you can only offer solutions that YOU can manage. If that is not ok then you can't help out, plain and simple.

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yeah, I just thought that perhaps you could offer a shorter time frame as an alternative rather than just giving a flat no.

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Yeah, I know, I did try it but she said 'No, I have these tickets that need to be used by x date' and yeah, she would be gone all day with hubby for the event, all up 8-10 hours.
She responded and said she will 'sort something out' I suggested she pay a friends daughter, like the friend had offered. Or even a babysitter from an agency. I get the feeling that maybe she didn't want to pay for it though.
Ah well. I can't tell if she is upset at me or not, if she is then its not my problem. I've been open and honest with her, and I can't help that I, myself, am not coping. At least her hubby is home in the evenings and weekends. Mine is not :(

it's really not anyone elses responsibility for her getting alone time with her partner. an hour here and there is fine, but to ask someone to take on two children at a high needs age such as hers for a FULL day, especially when you've not looked after them - not only is it a HUGE ask - it's a rather RUDE one! i get that people want "couple" time - but couple time shouldn't put your friends in a stressful position. ESPECIALLY given she's said in the past she wouldn't have your kids!! i don't get that!

there are some situations i'd suck it up and make myself cope to help someone - if they had a funeral to go to, or were in hospital in an emergency situation - not a drama. but for them to have couple time, when i KNOW it's not going to be reciprocated. hell no!

good on you for saying no. the fact she now has to "sort something out" sounds like she made an assumption you'd do it - which is another very rude thing to do! if you're going to make plans that leave you incapable of caring for your kids for a whole day, you make care arrangements for them first (IMO) and THEN organise the social event. not the other way around. you can't guilt people into caring for them!

I agree with briggsy's girl. I think you've done the right thing by being honest with her. It's a huge ask.