Why I leave my baby to cry...

I was attracted to bellybelly as a parenting site that reflected my natural views on childbirth and child rearing. I'm a pro-breastfeeding, pro-natural birth, baby wearing, cloth nappying SAHM. But I often read posts that are very negative about self-settling, leaving your baby to cry to sleep, babies can't learn to self setle etc. And for a long time I've wanted to share MY EXPERIENCE and why I think that leaving my baby to cry to sleep IS gentle parenting. So here goes:

DS1 would cry for 35 minutes before every nap from about 2 weeks to 6 weeks of age. I rocked, I bounced, I walked, I patted in the cot, I sung, I wrapped, I wore him all day, I put white noise on and always he would cry while looking absolutely tired. He would then finally sleep for 45 minutes. At 6 weeks of age, my patience was wearing thin. I was anxious, on edge, I wouldn't go out because I'd have to leave the room to deal with the 35 minutes of crying. A friend of mine said: have you tried just putting him in his bassinette and closing the door? My first reaction was "oh no, babies this young need to be patted to sleep" - like a good gentle parenting mother. But I thought, I need to give this a go, I need to stay sane and my baby needs to sleep.

Eventually, one day my husband was home and we decided to give it a go. I put the timer on and decided to go in after 10 minutes. My husband cuddled me while we waited. He cried for 8 minutes and then slept for 45 minutes. We repeated it for the next nap and he cried for 5 minutes. What mattered to me was that 5 minutes of crying was much preferable to 35 minutes of crying - for both him and me. I think he was too stimulated by being held by me and needed to solace and darkness to settle. From then one, we continued to put our son to sleep the way which pleased him. We followed his cues and responded to his needs and for us this meant letting him cry. Our limit was 5 minutes, but he was often asleep after only 1 or 2 minutes of crying.

When DS2 arrived, we decided to again follow his cues. And he also prefers to be left alone while settling to sleep - he settles very quickly often without any crying at all. In contrast if I try to settle him with patting and cuddles, the poor mite just cries until he is beside himself for about 30 minutes.

So sometimes, it is okay to leave your baby to cry, I believe. Sometimes, you need someone from another point of view to get you to try something different, if what you are doing isn't working for you.

When I see articles about the dangers of control crying, I always read them feeling guilty. But then I remember that I'm just responding to my babies needs in the way the suits them best with love - and isn't that what gentle parenting is all about.

Good stuff! Whole heartedly agree.

We only had to let DD1 CIO for one night (well, not the whole night, just patches of it) and she has self settled without crying ever since.

Totally. I think you need to do what works for your baby.

If it's working for you then that's great :) A well rested family is always a good thing.

Personally, I'm not a fan of CIO I could not hack it and I don't think I'd have the perseverance for it. We have never CIO with DD, she is similar to your DS in the way that she sometimes wants her own space to fall asleep. I didn't realise until DD was about 2 months old that I was leaving it too late, not picking up on those early tired signs and instead trying to put her to sleep at the yawning, eye rubbing, grizzling stage. Now, if she doesn't want to feed to sleep or be rocked/bounced/walked to sleep, I'll pop her in bed (we cosleep) with her blankie and dummy and lie next to her while she dozes off. Sometimes I'll stroke her cheek or sing to her. I really didn't realise before becoming a parent how contentious an issue baby sleep was. I think there is way too much pressure on parents to have a socially acceptably 'good' sleeper, when really, babies learn at their own pace, and respond in different ways, not how a book or your friend or the girls at mothers group say they should. I guess what works for one baby may not work for another. I know if I left DD to cry she would be beside herself because that is not what works for her. It sounds like your DS's just wanted some alone time (how funny are babies!?) and that it totally works for everyone involved. Sleep time shouldn't be a stressful time and you've found a way to get around that that works for your family, as you said, in the moat loving and gentle way possible.

I'm glad you've found something that works for you.

I think everyone just muddles along and does a real mixture of things until they find something that works. We all follow part instinct and part advice and of course the cues from our baby.

What you are describing doesn't sound like the CIO that many books discuss, which involves leaving your baby for increasing periods of time, up to an hour by a certain age, and not 'giving in'. Many babies vomit from crying, or loose trust in their parent and sob themselves to sleep.

You listened to your baby and followed your instinct. I think that is different from people telling parents to just leave their babies to sort themselves out by going out of ear shot of the child.

I don't like labels as a general rule, but I can see how what you describe is gentle parenting for your babies...as a general rule though, I think gentle parenting is listening to a baby's cues, so I have an issue with e mainstream version of CIO being assigned a GP label.

But that's all just semantics.

You do what works for your family. Good for you. Tick the "good parent" box. You also have found a method that works for you is accepted by mainstream society - fantastic. Slight amount of jealousy from me.

FWIW, my son will cry for hours and hours and not sleep. I can leave him, make and drink a coffee, and he's awake, screaming and furious. CIO didn't work here. It isn't OK for me to leave my baby to CIO - but clearly it was OK for you to leave yours.

If it works for you and your baby then that is great and you don't need to feel bad etc. I have tried EVERYTHING! including leaving my DD to cry but it didn't work, just made her worse, she was able to scream for 6-8 hours at times when put to bed and the next night no better, then worse, then worse. Th fact that she had reflux didn't help either and then when she would cry this would make the reflux worse too.

I think every family has to work out what is best for them and their bubs and do what they feel is right, without judgement.

I did CIO with all my children. My first two because that's what the books said to do, and my twins because after a year of trying the gentle way none of us were getting any sleep. And for the same reasons you describe it worked for us. So on paper I don't advocate leaving a child to cry but in practice I believe each mother will find her own way to helping her child settle. And sometimes that is 2 minutes in a darkened room.

Fwiw like another poster, I don't really see leaving a child in their room in bed for 1-5 minutes to be the CIO method :dunno:

Hopefully i can get this across the way i want without confusing myself or anyone.

With DS1 after the first few months of me rocking him to sleep it got to the point where every time i put him down he'd wake up. So i was talking to a cousin and she said he could now be old enough to be put in bed awake and have the chance to settle himself. This took some time and practice but we got there, yes it involved crying but i never did anything of what i considered to be CIO or CC. Once this was sorted DS1 just had to have the slightest whinge and i knew he was ready for bed, i'd put him in his cot, wrap him up and walk out and you wouldn't hear a peep from him. He was such a happy little sleeper and so content.

Then one day a few years ago i tried to help a lady in a post about getting her baby to sleep (or something along those lines). I was still a bit of a beginner to the forum. So i tried to offer what i felt was some caring advice to help this parent (it was in Gentle Parenting which i was not yet used to taking note of),the advice was along the lines of patting and shsssing and helping her little one to fall asleep. I actually got a not so nice post by someone other than the original poster in return. I was devistated that my advice had been taken to mean CC as it definatley was not what i considered myself to be doing when helping my son.

Anyway.... DS2 came long and i did take a different approach with him and it had a lot to do with what i'd read on here. I think my confidence in what i was doing took a bit of a dive from that post even though i had the happiest little sleeper and such a content little man. DS2 like you describe though was not one to rock to sleep, it was way too much stimulation for him. I can't remember what i did now (it's all such a blur) but he slept well and from about 15 months slept through as we'd weaned from breastfeeding. DS1 slept through way before that but that's ok.

Then DD came along and she was nothing like either of the boys. We had silent reflux to contend with so it didn't make finding a pattern that worked for us very easy, that and being #3 and trying to fit sleeps in amoungst daily activities. But i think with her i was even more affraid to let her cry and she cried plenty because of the relux. But i have often wondered to myself if i had of had the confidence to do things a little different with her (more similar to my boys) i might not be still getting up to a 12 month old every 2-3 hours during the night. If i try any settling these days without offering a feed i get so much screaming and she does not give up. So as to if it's just her or if i had tried to manipulate things a little earlier i don't know if we'd have it any different but i do feel her quality of sleep really isn't good enough and wonder if it's my fault.

When i saw the title of your post i imeadiately thought 'oh no' because of my own expereince but you explained yourself so well and i too do not beleive you were doing CIO just as i never felt i was. I applaude you for having the confidence to explain yourself in a post as you have. You sound like a wonderful mother and your children and extremely lucky.

Thank you :hug:

There was an article on this someone sent me recently, I will forward it through..

now where i thought it was, i cannot find it, but will keep looking for you..

Well, you know, it's one of those things. There's information and there's responding to your specific circumstances. Ultimately only parents can know what their kids need. The problem comes when we are not in touch with our kids and our instincts and try to override or ignore those things, following arbitrary advice from some book (or whatever).
So, although none of us are perfect and we will all get things wrong from time to time, if we are in touch with our kids' needs and our instincts, then we will most likely muddle through in a fairly satisfactory manner. Having said that, it does also tend to help to have good information as well when making decisions.

So I'm glad you've found a way you're happy with.

Great post, we did the same thing with our boys.

Great post, and quite brave really! I have three kids and they have all settled in different ways. DD1 would self settle and snooze anywhere. We never had to contemplate settling methods as she would just close her eyes when she was tired. She slept 12 hours from the night we brought her home. We co-slept for about three years. Our choice, we couldn't bear to be parted from her for a whole night!

DS would show tired signs and would settle into bed but would then have what we referred to as 'the last hurrah' where he would grizzle for 1-5 minutes before dozing off. He was never distressed, just making noise and would settle very quickly. He would not co-sleep and would only settle in his own space. He slept in a bassinet and then a cot.

DD2 does not self settle. She likes to be rocked to sleep, preferably with a boob in her mouth. I have left her to self settle and have tried a modified CC but she becomes truly distressed (as opposed to shouting a bit!). I have persevered with self settling beyond what I am comfortable with in the belief that she will 'learn' self settling. She doesn't, she just becomes more and more distressed. So, I cuddle her to sleep, usually with a boob, and she sleeps in our bed.

I think you are doing a great job by listening to your own babies cues and meeting your babies needs. Every baby is different and as mum's we have to meet their differing needs by using a variety of methods.

I think if we all just ditched the labels (CC or CIO) people could be more accepting of alot more. Because although there are a couple of EXTREME books out there promoting very firm guidelines; in 'my' experience most people use adaptive approaches that suit themselves and their children, and usually only after exhausting all other avenues.

The real problem is follow your own babies cues, do what works for them wouldn't make/sell a book, so elaborate methods and terms have evolved in my opinion to make money by selling books and methods. Parenting is one area I reckon where reading less is something I would advocate. My rule is babies are humans too, think how you would react to situations and use that to decide things to try, and it is trial and error and what works for a few weeks may then stop working, and something different is required. That is my other problem with books that prescribe methods, they don't treat babies like changing individuals - there is no one solution, but if books said "this may or may not work for you and may only work for a few weeks" they would not sell half as many.

I agree with what works works but I personally choose not to leave my DD's crying. To me it is a trust thing. Also, I think a routine trumps the need to use CC or CIO.