DH unable to attend 1st nurses consulation

Hi there,

I posted a little while ago about what to expect for my upcoming first IVF consultation in a couple of weeks and everyone was very helpful. I actually rang the clinic and asked a few more questions and was told I would also need to make an appt with the nurse. I was able to make it for the same day as my FS appt but a couple of hours later. I was also told that the nurses appt would take approx 1 1/2 hours.

Now this is fine for me as I have a very understanding employer (and heaps of sick leave....the benefits of being a healthy person ;)) and I have taken the entire afternoon off work.

However, although my DH is attending the FS appt, he has told me that he doesn't think he can make the nurses consultation... I told him what it would involve eg: discussion about the procedure, billing etc (I thought the money part would snare his presence) however it looks like he won't be attending that one as he won't be able to take more time off work. Of course I am disappointed, and nothing I will say will change his decision and probably cause more stress then we both need right now if I insisted...

The nurse recommended that partners attend but he can't.....my biggest fear is that we will be judged when I turn up alone :(

He is very supportive and caring and pretty much a brilliant guy, however seems to be a bit clueless around what would really be important/supportive for me ...and possibly some difficulties coming to grips with the situation (it's Male Infertility)

Has anyone had this from their DH before?

Thanks for your help..

PS - I'm freaking out about the upcoming appt!!!

Hi Renvind,

My DP could not attend the nurse or financial appointment due to work. He did attend the FS and counselling appointments (mandatory in Victoria). It did not make a scrap of difference. You get lots of printed material (well, I did!) that he can read. I know you feel disappointed but he will have to be there for other, more important appointments. Better he uses his sick leave for those! Also, don't be nervous! There is nothing to worry about. If you want to chat with other women going through the same thing, jump on the LTTTC and Assisted Conception thread. (sorry I am on my phone so can't link it!)
Good luck!!

Hi Renvind,

My Dh tend to distance himself from the process at times too. He is often overwhelmed by the whole process and we arent even at the ivf stage yet. Dh did come to our first appointment but it was all included in one bang rather than spread out. With that said he missed our first follow up appointment. I was initially embarrassed but the fs and nurses were great and I don't think any one was judging. Having him at appointments is always good because Dh asks questions and becomes part of the process but when he hasn't I just have to pin him down later and go over the info. It's great that your Dh will be there for the fs appointment and if forcing him to come to the nurse appoint will cause more problems I would leave it. I'm sure the nurse will understand (I actually used the time to ask how to help Dh deal with it all and explain that he wasn't just being uncaring).
Wishing you all the best xxx

Don't worry about it, mine doesn't go to any appts except the first one w FS. He just tells me to let him know when he has to go to anything ie egg pick up.
I actually prefer to go by myself so it doesn't bother me and theres noway Dh would get so much time off work anyway.
The nurses won't care at all.
Actually thinking about it, my DH has no idea whats going on in my cycle usually lol
Don't freak out, it will be fine!

My DH usually comes along, but there have been a couple of FS appointments he couldn't get to, in fact the one where we discussed the IVF option was one he couldn't make! I was really disappointed, but he had to work and just couldn't get out of it. The FS was fine! It's nice to have the support, and DH will hear things that you may not, so that can help. But they certainly will not judge you! (and if they do find another specialist!!!)

Don't worry Hun, its completely normal, my DH has had to have phone consults and I have had to use his frozen samples as he works away so much. Sometimes I wonder if the clinic thinks he is a figment of my imagination :)

He was supportive, and is an amazing DH, however he took a back seat to the whole process and that's why belly belly became my new BFF, DH and everything else all rolled into one :

Thank you all so so so much! You have no idea how reassuring your answers were...it has made me feel so much better. I was so relieved that I just bawled!

I have a friend who is also about to start the IVF process soon after going through 12 months of fertility treatment, and she is the only one in my life that I can really talk to about any of this stuff...and her DP goes to every single appt....

Best of luck to you all with this journey...it is truly such an isolating gut kicking journey, that you wouldn't wish on anyone..

Thanks again. You have all taken a huge weight of my shoulders. Have a great day!

Glad to hear you're feeling better :)

The other thing is if, God forbid, you have to do this a few times, it's impractical for you both to attend every appointment. I am on my seventh cycle and there have been cycles I have to get a scan and/or blood test a few times a week. It's hard enough for me to get the time off work at the drop of a hat four times or more a week, let alone DP too...

My Dh didn't even go to one of our frozen transfers!! He was away for work I think. My mum came instead.
AND i got a BFP lol

Having someone else there instead might be useful, if he can't make it. A mother, friend, or sister, perhaps?

I wanted DH there as much as possible partly so we would share the process, make decisions together etc, (we also had MFI, but it's still the woman who goes through the vast majority of the intervention!) But I also wanted him there to be a backup set of ears and eyes, so that later, I had someone to ask 'What did they say about this again? How important did she say it was to take this med at the same time each day? I take this cap off before I dial up the dose, right?' I had someone to remind me of all this.

Any time DH missed an appointment, or a blood test result, I'd get him on the phone as soon as I could and talk it through with him.

Hey everyone,

I just thought I would let you know how my nurse appt (without DH) went...

As suggested by all you wonderful women who responded, it went fine! I was really worried about going by myself, and I truly don't have anyone else who could have come instead of DH, but it all went well....

The nurse was so lovely. It felt so nice to talk to someone about this journey so frankly and clinicly, without the feeling that you're talking to someone about a dirty secret - wierd I know, but it was good. DH felt bad about not being able to come, so I felt good reassuring him after the appt that it all was fine. I think that took a lot of pressure of him as well. I felt sorry for him after our FS appt (the day before the nurses appt) as he was told the news that his first super bad SA was outdone by an even worse 2nd SA...he didn't say anything but I could tell he was gutted...

Anyway, for anyone else who is faced with DH not being able to attend some of the appts...don't despair...it's all ok...I think there is way too much pressure with this IVF journey without adding to the "expectation" of what's "appropriate" for our partners to do. I think at the end of the day its about what you are ok with...and I was definatley ok with my hubby not being able to come...

Thanks to everyone who was very reassuring!