How do I not feel bitter?

I have thought twice about writing this post, but I need help with how to respond and congratulate my DH's brother and his wife (my BIL and SIL) on the news they are having a boy, revealed at their 20w scan on Monday.
In the 3 years we have been TTC, they have also been TTC and have had a DD and are now having a DS. My SIL did have PCOS, however, fell pregnant first cycle of clomid with DD and then naturally first cycle trying with DS.
I have listened to her fears and issues with PCOS and her concern re: her age (35yo) and her egg reserve, but really she hasn't had any real issues, just what if's that never eventuated. I have been pregnant at the same time as my SIL 4 times.
I feel terrible for feeling and saying this but deep down I was hoping they would be having a girl. Because now they will have the perfect little family, the "one of each" that they wanted.... I was just hoping we would then have oppurtunity to maybe get something that they couldn't. I am sick of feeling like a failure. I am just frustration at how easily things come to some people.

She told me in a text message and I haven't rung to congratulate her yet, I just don't know what to say or how to say it and I am not good at pretending.
I am also not looking forward to the carry on from my MIL about them having a boy. My DH comes from a family of 4 boys, who will all be high-fiving each other over the news that this baby is a boy.
Everyone just holds their breath around me, notioning their fingers are crossed for us and give me a pat on the back.
The family seem to not know how to deal with the 2 of us together (SIL and I), my MIL often just cries when she sees me. I hate going to their house, I hate the celebrating over their pregnancy, secret gift giving in other rooms and I hate that I am the failure in their family.
My SIL were good friends and now I am starting to feel resentment and it is completely not her fault.

So I guess my question was "What do I say to them??"

You have gone through something very traumatizing and your feelings are not irrational. I will simply tell you that you don't have to say anything. In fact, maybe you should tell her that you are still grieving with the loss of your daughter and miscarriages and it is just too hard to hear about her happiness. I have had multiple losses but not a late loss, and can not imagine the pain you are going through. Please, dont feel like you have to go out of your way to congradulate them...they should love you enough to know that probably the last thing you want to hear or talk about is someone else's happy pregnancy.

Feel better....and congrats on the pregnancy :)

I can honestly relate to a lot of what you are feeling right now. Except it is my sister. I know it is different as i do have a Daughter but my other daughter was born sleeping too. It is really hard to explain my situation without going into a lot of detail but I wanted to be the one with the girl i wanted her to have another boy so that she didnt have a "perfect" little family. I know that it sounds bad when you type it. but i hope you know that you are not the only one that feels it and you shouldn't feel bad about it either. Just remember you still have very raw wounds and things will be painful, you will still have spiteful feelings towards people that have what you are missing and it is all completely normal. Just do what you feel you need to do to take care of You.

:hug: sweets you are not a failure by any means ....but .... you're also pregant according to the ticke rin your signature so with all due respect your post is a bit left field.

You have had a rough start on your parenting journey but clearly its really happening for you too so I cannot understand why you feel so bitterly towards your SIL.

I think its nice that they do the present exchanges away from you,they obviously love you enough to consider how it may impact you. My family wouldn't be so considerate!

Too answer your question - you say "congratulations, I am really happy for you" anything less would look bad. Deep down you are happy for them, its just masked by jealousy but soon you will have your own baby and just imagine how over the moon they all will be for you!

:hug: Nae x

The Mrs- Thanks for the congratulations, we have everything crossed, the waiting is torturous. I do feel irrational, but I am going to steer clear of DH's family for a bit and just give myself some time for my head to clear.

MummaBear- Thank-you, you are right and it does sound bad when I type it. Thank-you for your support, I do love my SIL, it's so hard to explain why I feel this way. My best friend has just given birth to a much wanted DD after 2 x DS's. I have absolutely no resentment towards her, it is wierd. I think it is to do with my DH's whole family. There is a bit of an attitute that a boy is better in some way, how is it more of an achievement?? I just can't be around that mentality so I am just steering clear for a while.

NaeNae- Yes I am pregnant. This pregnancy has come very close to the loss of Lucy and by surprise and I am terrified. We are waiting for a second scan to confirm if this pregnacy is viable. Our first scan showned only a sac that is also behind on my dates, so unfortunately it doesn't feel like "clearly its really happening for us" in fact we worry that it may never happen for us, but hopefully you are right! I guess I am jealous, they have what I want.. I would like them to be more grateful for what they have though, instead of snapping at each other, arguing over who's turn it is to change there DD's nappy, yelling at each other if they are sick of it being their turn to watch out for DD and then deciding to have another child beacuse "it has to be done".

tilygirl.. :hug: Its hard not to be bitter. Its not a fun place to be in, and I dont know what to tell you to say. You are not a failure though :hug: nothing that has happened has been your fault :hug:

I was pregnant at the same time as my sister when we lost Zahra, she then went on to have a whoopise baby 14 months later, and I still hadnt fallen pregnant again yet. She had a boy and a girl, the same as I had lost.. and their birthdays are about as close to my due dates as you can get. To be honest I didnt "get over it" or stop feeling bitter until my baby was in my arms. But I'm probably not a good example, coz I hold a grudge, and I held one against my sister when it wasnt really her fault. But I was sad and upset and angry at the world and she had what I had been trying to have for so long, so I was mad. It did kind of break up the family for a while- my DH and I stopped attending things that we knew they would be at. It was just really uncomfortable for everyone, so we stayed away. Not that Im suggesting you do that, it was just what was right for us. But I was never really all that close with my sister to begin with. Since I have had my babies we are slowly starting to both make the effort to stay connected, but its not the same as it would have been if my babies hadnt of died. It just isnt.

Maybe just reply back in a text, its easier to pretend in text.. maybe instead of congratulating them on it being a boy, just say that your glad the scan went well and that he is healthy and your happy for them.

I really hope that your pregnancy progresses smoothly and that in August you are blessed with a gorgeous baby to hold in your arms and take home xoxoxox

You wont not feel bitter. some people you'll really struggle with, others you'll be ok with. Regardless of the fact that you're currently pregnant. it doesnt make a difference.
There is no right or wrong way to feel in these kind of situations hun. Just go with what you're feeling, ride it out.
I'm always here to talk if you need to.
I understand where you're coming from completely and i actually have a post on BB virtually saying the same things.
Much love and many hugs xxx

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling bitter or resentful. I think it's good to express it and get it out. I also know that being pregnant again doesn't make a difference to how you feel. Maybe it changes when there's a live baby born, but I doubt it. When all your know is your children have died and someone else seems to have healthy babies easily, it's hard. No matter how much you love them or how happy you are for them. It's still really really hard.

Personally, I prefer to congratulate people and maintain the boundaries that are best for me. That may be either not seeing them or only seeing them when I'm up to it and not pushing myself based on others' expectations or my own expectations of myself. I had to learn to let myself be different to how I thought I should be. Grief takes time and it comes at us all differently. For me, there's no return to "normal" anymore. This new me is what you get. It's a good day if I get outside the house, so actually getting out and seeing a pregnant friend or baby is a big deal. I usually plan meltdown time afterwards. Not because it's a bad thing to see a baby or whatever, but because I know how I'll be. I'm still happy to see them, if I'm emotionally strong enough, but I need that time afterwards.

You can't control how other people think or their expectations of you. You did not "fail". I understand feeling like that because I have too, but it's not true. Bad things happen. I don't know why. I don't know why some babies die and some live. You know you would have done anything you could to protect your little girl. You were the best mummy you could be and I'm sorry she died.

Noone else in your family has been through what you're dealing with. They may have lost a grandchild or neice, but they didn't give birth to a sleeping baby. Seriously, noone who hasn't been through it can understand. The whole "I can't imagine" stuff is pretty useless, because no, they can't imagine and saying so is not helpful. As you've found out, someone stressing about a whole lot of "what ifs" that dont eventuate can be stressful to deal with. I try not to feel angry about it but it's hard sometimes. I think it must be a nice problem to have, freaking out about what if X happens or Y happens, trying to imagine how it feels when a baby dies, rather than living with the reality. They have no clue. But they dont realise that you and them now live in different universes. So rather than expect understanding, I assert boundaries. If someone thinks I'm being oversensitive or should be over it by now, they can get stuffed. I try not to dump my anger and grief on others, but I also wont buy into their expectations of what parental bereavement is when they are lucky enough to not have to walk in my shoes. IF I can't do something, I say so. I don't apologise. I'm not rude about it, however I'm coming across writing this, but I say no when things will upset me. I learnt that the hard way.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling bitter. You can feel joy and sorrow at the same time. You can be happy for others and jealous at the same time. You'll find a path to deal with both and at some stage this will get easier. Never easy, but easier.

Go gently

self edited

:hug: I'm so sorry hun, being an empty arms mum is a horrible experience. I lost my DD 9 months ago and my SIL is pregnant again. It's very hard for me to stomach and she is emotionally abusing me with it (telling me I'm selfish for not asking about it, asking me for help to get an abortion without her husbands knowledge and then asking if I will throw her a baby shower the next day). I have chosen to distance myself and if people can't understand that's their issue. I need to protect my feelings and be allowed to take care of me.

Tilygirl - first of all - I hope all goes well with your second scan.... i have my fingers crossed but am worried as your ticker is not showing in your post.....

I can't really say it any better than LionsnBears ( hiya sweetie) and Nae, but I am going to put my spin on it, the next couple of sentences are important. You did not fail, you have not failed. You conceived and nutured your beautiful Lucy and your other wee angels. It was not something that you did or didn't do. She died, and it is a heartbreaking tragedy. You loved her and still do. You are a mumma to an angel baby, and that takes more strength than anyone in your family will ever know. And more love.

Grief is a lifelong journey, I am not sure it gets any easier, but possibly you get more adept at masking how you feel in some social situations and predicting when you're going to need to cry, and mourn and run from the room screaming ( believe me, it can help, perhaps not with the dignity, but it helps your poor wee broken heart). Sometimes it will come from left field. But my blossom, having your BIL and SIL's journey so intertwined with yours, that is not left field. But seriously, that is their journey. Yours is separate and you just do what is right for you. If seeing them etc just is too much for you, than don't do it. It may not always feel that way, but for now it does. Whilst I think it's good to challenge yourself in grief, I also think that you must also protect yourself. This is one of the times to protect yourself. Your grief is still too raw to be confusing yourself in their journey. It's ok to be selfish, and in fact you need to be.

You be who you need to be, not what you had hoped for yourself or what you think others expect. I know that's hard. If they truly have empathy for you and your precious Lucy, then they will understand in time, that you did what you needed to do simply to survive, and not because of anything else. It's ok to feel resentful and angry, and it's often not predicable and rational. I feel the most intense resentment of a former work colleague ( who was a complete biatch to me during the time that my wee angels were born and died) who got pregnant on the first go with twins, and twins who survived. Her pregnancy was two years after my twins died. Before then I never felt resentful towards anyone I knew pregnancy, so it was a surprise at first. But I don't feel bad about it. It is what it is. I suppose though fortunately she is far enough removed that I never had to worry about facing her, so I will never know if I would have said anything about her pregnancy or birth to her face.

I am sorry that your MIL just cries when she sees you and you know that so much goes on in other rooms. Maybe it's better to avoid being there when your BIL and SIL are? At least then you only have to deal with the crying MIL. Who knows why she cries? But at least in her crying you can believe that she is acknowledging your pain and she is acknowledging your precious Lucy. People just don't know what to say or do when your baby dies. So often you the bereaved parent has to lead them about how to respond, and that is just another burden you don't need. I would embrace her tears, and tell her what it's like for you with having to deal with your BIL and SIL. She might get it, she might not, but it's worth a try.

GL. Go gently on yourself, these are tough tough times.

I have left my ticker in this post, intentionally. Not to hurt you, but so that you know that there is hope after loss. Whilst stillbirth has not been my experience to date, my wee angels were born at 22 weeks, 14 weeks, 19 weeks and I had a m/c at 8 weeks. All in a row and all before I was truly blessed with HB. I also wanted to say, I never believed I would be the one who got to bring a baby home. I never imagined I would, but it was my dream, so I kept trying. HB's pregnancy was one of the hardest journey's, each day believing it was the end, each day trying valiantly to believe. And I like so many others actively planned for her funeral whilst I was pregnant with her. For me, this current pregnancy is a little easier, as I have some confidence that my body can carry a baby to viability, but at the same time it's much harder, as I am so much more aware of what it means to me to lose a baby, and I have so much less time to ponder my feelings that insomnia regularly strikes and it is in the wee hours of the night that all my fears have to come to the surface. I still plan for the funeral. It's hard to let go of those fears, and really why should I? I don't have a reason why my babies died, except that they were healthy, and it was me and my body who failed them in some way. That is a heavy burden to carry, and even though most of the time I can say I don't blame myself, I suppose deep down I do. I suspect that most baby loss mammas do too.

I hope that soon it's you who's arguing about who has to change the baby's nappy. What a true joy that will be for you.