How to NOT invite friends kids to bday party?

Hey guys,

I have an ettiquete question - DS is turning 6 next week, and he is also repeating prep, so I thought I would have a birthday party for him (before this we have only ever done family afternoon teas as I have never been organised enough to have a proper party :shhh: ), as it will be a good way for him to meet the boys he will be in school with this year (he does know them as he was in a composite pre-prep/kinder class with them last year). I also feel I have to invite the boys in his old prep class, as he was invited to all their parties last year. This will be 14 in total as it is a small school. In our community people do really simple 'old school parties' - i.e. come around for a play, few party games & food, so no hire entertainment etc.

As DS can get very over-excited from groups (he is on the autism spectrum), I did think about hiring something like the traffic school but it was too expensive with all our medical expenses (last years out of pocket was $5k). Then I thought zoo as it is free for kids (we are members anyway), but decided against it as it will still be hard to look after all those kids with people everywhere.

Anyway, so there is a cool park nearby, it has huge shade-sails over the play equipment, so it stays cool, there is a fence they play area, and instead of tanbark it is filled with sand, so like a giant sand pit but also with slides, swings etc. Right next to the play equipment is a big oval, so I might bring stuff for running races, egg & spoon, sack races etc, but might just see how the boys go with a play & food.

My question though is like this. DH & I have a mutual friend (D), we aren't super friendly with her, but friendly enough, she has come around for meals etc. About 2 years ago she left her emotionally abusive husband, as has a really difficult time with it. Her X brings out (purposely) the worst in her 2 boys (who are 3 months younger than DS, and 1.5 years older), and they behave terribly (I'm not blaming them or her, it's just the way it is). With the way the composite kinder classes work, DS was with her oldest the first year, and her youngest the 2nd year. Last year she moved them to a different school. Both boys have been physical with DS both in kinder & if I was doing her a favour and bringing them home (or she was doing me a favour) - pinching, hitting, biting etc. Not like every day, but often enough. She does try to deal with it, but her oldest has real issues, and despite seeing a psychologist occasionally I think he does need help. I pity him because I know the younger one was hit by their father enough to cause another custody hearing, and I believe its this that is the major cause. For all my kids bad points, DS has only ever hit another kid once (his sister a handful of times)... but my biggest concern is my son is physically big (about to turn 6 and in size 8 clothes), but emotionally is about the level of a 3 year old.. I;m worried of pushed enough he will retaliate, and he already has enough of a label because of his special needs, I really don;t want him picking up physically methods of dealing with his anxiety especially as he has low verbal/turns non verbal when stressed out.

D's boys also speak to her terribly (for our community at least where we haver very strict standards), telling her to shut up etc. My kids get in trouble simply saying no to me, and I don't want them picking up this kind of stuff.

My kids have been invited to her kids birthday parties in the past (but not last year when they were at their new school), but every other birthday. I don't want to invite her kids to mine, but I know she will be super offended. She isn't really ready to accept how atrocious her kids behave (not just to my kids, but to every kid in the class basically, and I think a lot of people were relieved when they left the school), so I can't really tell her why they aren't invited. I can try keeping it a secret, but if she finds out (and she probably will, I have no doubt when you have enough mutual friends these things will get said innocently and I can hardly ask all the pother mums to keep it a secret). I can;'t use cost as an excuse as it's free at a local park. The only thing I can think of doing is lying and saying DS still mentions being scared of her son from when they were in kinder together, and the pschologist didn't want him to get anxious & to shut down when trying to get to know his new prep class. I'm not so comfortable lying though.. and I don't know whether to do it before, or just wait to see if she finds out...

What should I do???

Are all the other children you are inviting from his school? Maybe just say it was a school only party - nothing personal but her kids aren't at your school anymore so you didn't invite them.

If you are keeping the invites to only those children who currently go to your DS's school, then I think that in itself is a pretty good reason and pretty simple. Simple is better, if you go to complicated, then there is the risk of slipping up or making her suspect it is about something else.

Good luck!

ETA: Snap to Onyx - so slowing a posting these days

I like Onyx's idea there. Otherwise......... I would have to say this would fall into the category of a white lie. You aren't lying for self preservation, more to protect her feelings. If she isn't ready to acknowledge the issues her kids are having... there isn't a lot you can do. And most likely, any discussion (however gentle and lovingly worded) would leave her with a bitter taste in her mouth. You can't really win.

You know her better than I do, obviously. Maybe you could use a combination? eg- tell her it was a school only party, as well as the fact your DS has verbalised being anxious in her kids company. Explain that you don't want her kids to feel left out, or for her to feel offended, but you really must put your DS's needs first. Given that you're taking to a psych, she should be understanding if you fib about the psychs reccomendations re- his anxiety.

I don't like to lie either, but sometimes it's better than rocking the boat. Your friend sounds like she's had a rough time, so anything you say about her kids behaviour will feel like an attack to her. (presumably)

HTH. :hug: FWIW, I think you're a great friend to be so carefully considering how to preserve her feelings. If it were me, I would accept it if you 'gave it to me straight', just on the merits of what a caring person you seem to be. I would understand you weren't trying to upset me or hurt my feelings. But that's me. If she knows you well, I think you'll be fine. She should understand that you're trying to do right by everyone involved, and people tend to look at intention, rather than actions... ITMS. Good luck!

I was thinking the same as Onyx and Astrid - but if it's not just school people, I'd go with your idea :)

I would probably mention it in conversation if she asked how your family was and 'blame' the psych for a) having a party - normally you don't but she thought it would be a good idea to introduce him to school buddies and b) she's suggested that you don't have too many people so you have to limit it to school people and there's lots of family/friends who will miss out.

So if it comes up in conversation, I'd treat it like it's a bit of a drag but something you have to do to keep the psych happy.

Conversations about her boys' behaviour can wait for another time I reckon. Too much of a double whammy to say they're not invited and by the way, it's because they're aggressive.