not sure if I belong here

I'd like to think I am a gentle parent - or on my way to becoming one at the very least.
I'd like some advice please on some different strategies for dealing with my DD1. I think the issue is that she is getting use to the baby and the changes but still her behaviour lately isa complete shock to me.

She has been lashing out physically, smacking the baby, smacking me (really hard AND across the face), kicking the cat, biting occasionally and pinching.

None of which she has seen in this house. It could be just her age too but this behaviour is really unacceptable in my eyes.I am not sure where she has picked it up from tbh.

I have tried deflecting her outburst,so when I can see her behaviouris heading down "those lines" I try to dostract her, when she has hurt me or the baby I say "sorry DD2" then ask DD1 to give her a kiss then say "that was very nice of you to kiss DD2 she really likes that" or similar trying to show her that nice behaviour towards other people feels good ITMS.

I say "gentle" ... "please be gentle" ... "soft pats" ... "soft cuddles" .... you get my drift.

I say firmly "No, smacking hurts"

I have tried ignoring it (which seems to make it worse)

I have tried anticipating her behaviour then turning my focus to her but this does not always work.

:wall: << this little dude is me

How can I be a better model for her, am I doing something wrong? where has my sweet and gentle little girl gone?

How can I help her through this transition period with the baby?

Help help help

Nae x

You're not doing anything wrong :hug: this is just DD1's way of adjusting to the new family dynamics and finding where she stands. Unfortunately sometimes the only way to cure this is time because it can be a crappy catch 22 situation - DD1 hits her sister, then you give her attention - either by chastising her or distracting her and then that makes her think, 'Oh, mum will give me attention if I do xyz, so I'll just keep on doing it' and when you've tried ignoring her, she gets worse because it doesn't get the desired result for her, ie Mum giving her attention. And TBH, in my experience I don't think it matters if your child has never seen or experienced a smack or being hit, it is just something that they will do - I know it is a common problem with AP families too and I think it's instinctual, and because it's mostly young kids/toddlers that do it, they can't verbalise how they are feeling so they lash out physically.

I would keep up the positive reinforcement when she does something nice to DD2 or to you and try to spend as much time with her on her own as you can - which I know can be really hard sometimes if you are having a full on day with bubs. But it gives them some reassurance that yes, you still have time for them. It helps make them feel secure in their place within the family. Sometimes I would even make sure that I had gotten the older kids a snack/lunch/dinner before I tended to the baby's needs so they saw themselves coming 'first' instead of 'second' to the baby ITMS? And remember that this too shall pass :hug:

Huge hugs :hug:, you aren't doing anything wrong Nae. I completely agree with Trillian's post and won't rewrite it another way lol! DS1 was such a chilled out happy kid until his little brother arrived. All of a sudden he was being really naughty all the time, sometimes he'd come up and kick me in the shins while I BF DS2 - it was awful :(. He'd never seen this behaviour modelled to him, it was just his way of reacting to all the changes going on. He did grow out of it himself over time, in the meantime you need lots of hugs and support :hug:. You are doing a great job OK? :hug:

I don't have much advice for you sweetie but just wanted to say that you're not alone, Moo has been much the same lately. It's mostly directed at DH and myself but he has pushed and kicked poor little Alex too.

I try not to make a big deal out of it, and I don't discuss it with DH in front of him now in case that was validating him more. I'm at a bit of a loss atm though as nothing really stops it.

Lately I've just been saying that hitting people isn't very nice, when we hit Alex he gets scared and it's not nice to be scared etc etc. I've also been making a huge deal out of him when he does something that's helpful, as well as telling Alex that he way too little to play/eat/go blah blah blah, in the hope that Moo will feel like he's getting/doing more itms.

I would like to think i am leaning more to the gentle side my self. My dd1 is about the same age as yours ( i think ) and after DD2 was born and we moved house her behavior went crazy. hitting, allsorts. in the end, after trying every thing i could think of, i had no choice but to get tough, she started hitting kids in the play ground!! also i found i was getting too angry with her and it wasnt constructive.

I took all her toys away, put them in a big cupboard, she watched me do it, i didn't do it in anger, i explained as i was doing it, she cried, but i kept telling her i loved her. then we made a chart, got stickers and taught her the word 'violence' and that she was using violence which was unacceptable when we had violence she got a big sad face on the chart, on a day with no violence she got a sticker, three sticker and she could pick a toy to take out the cupboard, big sad face=loose another toy. i didnt really enjoy the idea of it, but it worked SO well, sure it wouldnt be for every one and might not always work. but i gave me a strong and definite way to express that her behavior wasnt on without getting angry, which is what was happening before.

good luck.

I went through a very similar time when DD2 was new.. I dont think they have to see it anywhere its just insinctual when they cant verbalise thier frustration at the change in thier world. The ony time i remeber actualy taking a toy away was when she threw a toy in anger and it went through the lounge window.

There were a couple of things i remeber helping, making a show of telling DD2 "lets sit and play with DD1 now shall we" or "Not now DD2, I need to do XXX for DD1 first" I tried to choose a time when DD2was nice and settled and did not need anything so it was for show rather than anything but it told DD1 she was coming first for a while.
I also used to ask her to choose DD2s nappy or clothes to give her some control too, as many plat dates as i could ith her friends.