The babe that was....

Brief history: Blighted ovum; discovered at 9weeks. miscarried naturally at 12weeks
Miscarriage at 5weeks 2days
Currently 7weeks pregnant

I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy. I feel pregnant. I know i'm pregnant. I want another baby. I want to be pregnant. I'm happy to be pregnant. But this isn't the first baby that I thought I was having. It's not the baby that I really want. I should be delivering in 6weeks. I should be holding that baby. The one that I was extremely excited about. The one that I was over the moon about. This one I have to pull out baby clothes already to consider the idea that I am having another baby. But it's not working. It's still not that baby.

Should I be actively trying more to talk to this bub, enjoy this bub, love this bub? Or will it just come over time as I feel movements etc. I'm just too disappointed and sad to get excited that i'm having this baby.
Does this even make sense?

:hug: So sorry for your losses hun and congratulations on your pregnancy. I m/c before DD and with both of my pregnancies I was really terrified until I hit 13-14 weeks and even then it took me a while to really feel connected and excited. I think it is normal to feel that way and it does take time to realise it is really happening and that everything is ok. xoxoxo I know once I felt movements too I felt really close to both of them, especially when i was woken in the night with kicks etc. Be kind to yourself and go gently, you will get to the point where you can be excited for this babe and still sad and grieve your lost ones too xoxox

Kirley, I'm sorry for your previous losses. It really is tough with pg after loss. I think that any subsequent pg after a loss, is quite often over shadowed by the grief for one we couldn't keep. There is the constant longing to have the baby back we've lost. Then there is the fear that something is going to go wrong (I think that's why many feel that they better not get too attached in case something goes wrong again). In my own experience, my first pg was quite unexpected (we did IVF & we were told that it usually takes a few goes to get pg, so when we got pg on the first go I was quite unprepared for it). I felt that I wasn't connecting to the baby as much as I should, quite frankly I didn't know if I was ready for a baby that I thought I was really ready for! So I sort of took the pg for granted. I ended up losing my little boy at 21 weeks into my pg. I felt so guilty for not connecting to him and for not enjoying my pg more. When I got pg the second time with my current DS, I made a very concious effort to connect more to the baby and enjoy the pg as much as possible, even though I was freaking out that I'd lose this one too. Now that you are pg again, I would enjoy it as much as possible, so you don't regret later not connecting to the baby when it's born. Hope that made sense xox

Makes total sense. I think it is a normal part of mourning. You grieve each week of the pregnancy and it can get harder the closer you get to the EDD.

This week my bub from the mmc should be turning 2, DS1 should be 18 months and DS2 would have been 7 months. Obviously the second 2 wouldn't have happened if the first bub had survived. But I will always wonder what could have been.

I find it difficult to find a pregnancy real until I feel the baby move and even then, the fear can be overwhelming, it makes it hard to believe it will end well. All you can is remember you are pregnant today and send love and peace to the baby that is growing now.

Talking, singing and visualising bub can help, but don't beat yourself up if you can't. It will come.

Thanks ladies. It's so hard. :'( and terrifying. Will reply again tomorrow when not on mobile.

Totally normal hun. im 4 weeks away from having a baby but it still doesnt feel right.
it will get better once u start feeling it wriggle, but then at the same time, that brings it own worries (like when you realise theyve been quiet for a bit)
you will bond with your baby, it might not happen for a few months, it might happen tomorrow. Theres no wrong way to feel in this situation.
much love and many hugs to you xxx

It does make sense and I don't know the answer and I'm sorry for that. I know the times I fell pg (apart from the last time) I felt distant b/c I was scared of another m/c. I did try to embrace my last pg - I bought a soft toy for the baby and told our DD I was having a baby, but we had another m/c :-( I really don't know how I will be if we are lucky enough to fall pg again but I suspect given the torment I have been through, I'll be guarded and distant. I think what you are doing is a coping and defence mechanisim & there is nothing wrong with that. To go through such hard times ttc it is only natural to want to protect yourself and your family if things go wrong. I hope that you are blessed with a sticky bubs. xx

I'm glad I'm not the only one that finds it all so hard. I've only just started embracing this pregnancy in the last fortnight really. I can feel the baby moving frequently now and I feel good about it. I still feel anxious but excited too. It's like I've just found out I'm pregnant all of a sudden. i guess I can feel like that now (ie be blissfully (well almost) naive) because my experiences allow me to be. I have had one early loss. I'd imagine for those with recurrent losses and those who lose babies later their experiences dictate a different path.

I found that even though after the NT scan "we" were telling people, it was DH doing the telling not me. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I could actually say the words "I am pregnant". I could talk about pregnancy and babies but it would be in the context of "when we have a baby" or "when we are parents". As in not the present. I felt bad too. It was like the pregnancy was temporary or hypothetical. I guess you do what you need to do to survive.

I'm still sad that while I'm halfway through a healthy pregnancy and that brings me joy, I should be almost 38 weeks pregnant with my angel and preparing for their arrival. I know though that that would mean that this baby that is inside me now wouldn't be here. And I feel bad. But still sad for my angel. It's a catch 22 really.

I am sorry you're having a tough time and hope it gets easier for you. Im sure it will, just dont beat yourself up. you need to do whatever you need to do to get through this. Your body is nurturing your baby, it's made for the job. Hang tight there darl, you'll find a way to make it.


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