How little miss Violet entered the world...
I really was hoping I could walk away from this with an amazing birth story like I had with my first daughter. Sadly, it did not end up that way. Though all in all we got our gorgeous Violet and that is all that matters. In the mean time I felt I would share my birth story with you guys.
It all started back in last January of 2011. My husband and I had concieved our second child. We had been wanting another baby for awhile so that Sophie (age 2) would be close with her siblings. Sadly, due to my bicornuate uterus, I miscarried early that Janaury. It was my second miscarriage. I thought since I had handled one before that it would be easier..but it wasnt. In fact it was harder. My husband (DF at the time) and I were planning our wedding for that February. The miscarriage caused a lot of issues and my husband left me 1 week before the wedding. I couldnt believe he would do that to me and went through an even deeper depression. We went through therapy and after completing it, we decided to get back together in March. We talked about the 2nd sibling again and I told him I wasnt ready as I didnt think I could go through all of that again. I was a perfect ovulater and I even temped and such so I would know when I shouldnt have sex..or wear a condom. Violet had different plans..my body must have gone through something in April because I ovulated EXTREMELY late. I got to ****y with my sureness of ovulation and stopped temping..just believed I knew when I was ovulating. DH re-asked me to marry him and we eloped on May 23rd 2011. My period was really late and I expressed to him that night that there was a chance I was pregnant. I took a test and it was negative. He was extremely dissapointed. We started talking about babies again and decided we would try again after DD1's 2nd birthday. 3 days later my period was STILL late. I didnt want to waste my money but I took another test anyways..it sowed positive. As my DH started calling his parents and getting excited..I started getting depressed again. I WANTED this baby but felt it was just going to end in another miscarriage...
My pregnancy was completely different from DD1's. I was puking (only nauseous for a couple weeks) and really had no symptoms of pregnancy. This scared me even more as I had assumed the worse constantly. In about July I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks. I couldnt leave my house...I was scared to go into the outside world. I refused all prenatal blood tests (which was stupid) and everytime I went to the doctor I cried because I just wanted to be home. DH and I decided I needed counseling ASAP. My therapist helped me discover my fear of medical needs. I discovered that through all of my miscarriages and DD's pregnancy I developed a fear of hospitals as I associated them with losing babies and being scared throughout my entire pregnancies. In October we discovered we were having another little girl..and I knew all along I wanted it that way. After that, my anxiety/panic attacks started to go away. I practiced all of my techinques and learned how to cope and understand everything was going to be ok..this little girl was going to be ok. The pregnancy suddenly became extremely easy and she was always healthy. I started to trust that my body was capable of housing a healthy baby without any complications. I suddenly could breath again...
Then at about 30 weeks or so we realized baby Violet was still breech. My husband (knowing my anxiety over hospitals) kept telling me over and over again that she would turn and I would get my vaginal birth again..I dropped everything and went crazy with techniques to try and turn her. Nothing helped and I finally accepted I would be having a cesarean..it was heartbreaking. My midwife had to transfer me to another Dr at 36 weeks because she wasnt able to do the surgery. We met Dr. after Dr. and finally found one I felt comfortable with and who would be ok with my needs. I wanted baby to stay in the room with me and if possible have immediate skin to skin as well. I wanted music playing to calm me and I didnt want any sedatives due to my anxiety. It was scheduled for January 20th, 2012.
The day before my C-section I got a call from the hospital. we had a major snow storm and it caused some trees to fall and some power lines to get destroyed. The nurse at the hospital called and said my c-setion was canceled. :( I knew it had to happen but it was so dissapointing as I had been mentally preparing for it.It got rescheduled for Monday the 23rd. Saturday the 21st my doctor called me while on her break. she apologized for the delay and was calling to check on me (she knew about my anxiety). She made me feel so happy that she took time out of her day to call me and let know she was thinking aabout me.
The day of the C-Section..I woke up surprisingly calm. I was overjoyed to meet my baby girl finally. The nerves were there in the back of my mind but I kept pushing them out and mentally prepaing myself for them. My mom, and DH, and I arrived at the hospital at 1pm. A nurse came in and started reading over my paperwork and setting up my IV. DH help my hand as I got the IV and I breathed through it and got it done. I felt proud of myself. :) As the nurse started reading my paperwork...she calmly read off "SO your getting a tubal ligation today as well..it says"?My mom, DH, and I literally almost CHOKED! this was never my plan and I NEVER said anything about that...thank GOD the nurse asked!!! This is about the time that my tears started flowing and my anxiety started up..then it got worse.
The nurse came back in and said, "Dr. Calvert is almost ready for you. (My Dr. is Dr. Sorrenson). I explained that Dr. Sorenson was doing my C-Section..not Dr.Calvert. They called my so-called-amazing Dr. who explained she forgot and that she was busy and couldnt do it!!!
Five minutes later with tears down my eyes they had me walk into the OR. The Dr. who ended up doing it was unfriendly and barely said two words to me. the spinal was placed and they strapped my arms down. The anethesiologist (luckily) was nice and talked me off the ledge several times. Suddenly baby was out and I heard her cry...the Dr. never showed her to me. I started hysterically crying..I couldnt believe she was here! DH went over to her and took some pics and brought her to me. She was SO beautiful. They wouldnt unstrap my arms and let touch her..in fact the doctor made her leave to go to recovery..after about 5minutes of being born!! They then tried to get my DH to leave me as well and I started freaking out..I started screaming through my oxygen mask NO!!! The anesthesiologist told the Dr. he was going to stay...very forcefully. DH sat down and held my hand while I cried. It took them 45 minutes to stitch me up!! During this time my blood pressure dropped dramatically and I almost passed out twice. When they were done they took down the drape before cleaning up and I could see the blanket underneath me drenched in blood. I could see blood everywhere.I felt like a part of me had been abused against my will...it was hard. Finally we left to recovery.
In recovery I finally got to hold my beautiful baby girl and nurse her for the first time. :) I was shaking so hard from the spinal and sweating profusly. I blocked everything the nurses were saying out of my ears and held my baby girl. She nursed so beautifully. :) she weighed 7lbs 8oz and was 20inches long. she looks exactly like me and we all couldnt be happier.
I stayed in the hospital for 4 nights and it was very difficult. The nurses kept trying to dope me up on heavy amounts of meds and I was fine with a light amount. They kepy coming in and harassing me about not wanting to walk as much. I was so weak and am now extremely anemic from being open and bleeding so long. Though with all of the horrible things that happened I got one of the most beautiful things in my life from it...Violet. She has never had any latch problems and rarely cries..
So once again, I am proud to announce the birth of
Violet January S.
7lbs 8oz
20 inches
January 23rd. (born on my late grandma's birthday)
