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Could you just avoid them? That's what I do. I don't stop DH seeing his family (it's hard when they're all 4+ hours away, but still) but DD and I don't attend.
I'm interested to see some replies as I also need some help in this area.
I'm really sorry Jan. Its hard when relationships with ILs are strained. I get on with two of my SILs but not the third, and not MIL and FIL. The only way I can get through seeing them is to make sure every discussion stays superficial. I limit exposure to them as much as I can and never, ever include our two families together. After last weekend I will never include friends around them either - MIL asked my girlfriend if she was sure her newborn was really hers and not swapped at the hospital because there was another woman in the maternity ward who had the same name!!!
Tough one. I live with my in laws. And for the most part we all get alone awesomly. We have found when things do arise its best to just be honest. If its something you dont agree with be honesnt but polite at the same time. Say i see your point, But i do not agree. Leave it at that...if they wish to continue again just be the bigger person and say...hey ild realy like it we could not get into a disagreement over this....then change the subject.
I dont think that as an adult you should have to pretend and bow down to anyone. As long as your not mean and nasty i think you should be able to agree to dissagree. And like others just limit how often you do see them. I dont think as an adult you should have to pretend to like someone...you can not like someone and still be polit at the same time.
If i had to be in the same room i could put on a smile and pretend to be nice. I become very quiet and withdrawn when i am around someone i don't like i also start to feel really anxious.
I think if you are really uncomfortable around them i think then the best thing is to stay away. There is nothing worse being around someone you don't like and having to pretend to be nice.
I would say non-committal is probably the best bet. For the most part with people I don't particularly like, I'm polite but reserved and refuse to be drawn into arguments that are likely to escalate.
I found the best way was to ask questions that got them talking about themselves - people love to talk about their own experiences/point of view, sometimes they'd be so busy yakking away they wouldn't notice that I wasn't actually contributing very much to the conversation other than keeping them talking. Meanwhile here they are thinking I'm such a nice friendly person :)
Smile (fake it 'til you make it) and go into get together's with a positive frame of mind. If you tell yourself it's gonna be hard, it will be hard. Keep the conversation superficial and have a selection of topics on hand to talk about (weather, food, gardening are all winners here). Does she have a favourite topic (for MIL, it's her dog!) that you can ask her about and feign immense interest? I also find it helpful to keep busy during visits too - fold the washing, make a cuppa, prep dinner. It also acts as a good diversion if she steers the topic onto shaky ground (e.g. 'Oh, I forgot to take the chicken out for dinner' or 'I hope you don't mind if I chop the veges while you're here').
If things do get heated or they want you to do something you don't want to, be honest about what you want (in a nice way - offer an alternative that works for you) or ask if you can agree to disagree and change the subject. If they want to continue, be firm but polite about changing the subject. Limit contact where it's just you and them, or make it in a public space.
Thanks they are all great tips. I think my biggest stumbling block is that I used to be really nice and helpful to them but now things have changed. Since my DHs sister has become terminally ill I have seen them behave in awful ways. I don't see the point in investing my time and energy in them if they treat their own childen terribly.
Mil is also very opinionated, doesn't listen and talks over us and quite self centered. Anyways how do I get past all this? It kind of feels like if I'm really nice to them it's ok that they can behave like that? It's also hard to distance myself when I live three streets away from them eek
Mine have annoyed the hell out of me ever since we got pregnant back in 2008, full of stupid 'advice' and I realised how much they gossip about everyone in the family. DH and his brother had some real issues a few years ago and it suddenly become very obvious that MIL was telling each of them negative things that would make each brother annoyed/jealous at each other. They really lack social etiquette, are very judgmental and the have no respect for the privacy of others (eg despite our requests to keep our pregnancy announcement secret MILs best friend 'found' out we were pregnant). I am 100% certain that the negative things they gossiped about BIL & SIL were exaggerated (and that they would probably be saying the same negative things about us to other family members)
Anyway, I really don't start or contribute much to conversations anymore, funnily enough they are so busy gossiping about others or retelling the same old boring-as-hell story for the 20th time they don't notice that I am not contributing. I have learnt to tell them nothing. If they ask about my family or my friends, I simply tell them everything/everyone is fine.
If we have them over here, I busy myself in the kitchen cooking a meal etc or if there is a big family group, I am usually the one watching the children. Christmas Day was like this - everyone sat around drinking outside while the kids roamed inside. As I was not comfortable with DS (aged 2) roaming around a strange house, I stuck with him (more enjoyable than listening to the same old stories for the 21st time :rofl: )
I think its a case of grin and bare it. I have how ever put my MIL back in her place a few times with her ridiculously stupid parenting advice :D However I keep the peace out of respect for my DH, and despite their many flaws they love their grandson
I grin and bear it. 11 years and counting :/
Yep i put on the smile and pretend, some days i cbfed though and i just dont try, pretty sure its obvious ;)
but mostly i pretend for DF's sake.
i avoid them at all costs, have only seen them once this year for DF's birthday. but i guess being very pregnant is a good excuse not to sit in the car for half an hour to see them ;)
OMIGOD - Babe you deserve a medal!! Impressive!! I am thinking at some point I will just be over them and not bother any more ............:
My step MIL is the same Jan. Most of the time I just let her wash over me unless she tries to actually do something with DD, me or DH then I politey disagree and leave it at that. Same with FIL.
I dont think you should bow down to anything they say, but keeping the peace is easier as you go along seeing as you mostly ignore everything they say!
Othertimes I just grin and bear it. about the same amount of time as trish LOL
I grin and bear them as well. 14 years and counting.
I'll put it this way. This woman is a piece of work. I can't stand her and almost didn't marry dh because of who she is and how intefering she is. Holy Moo Moo, She's a nasty piece of work.
Dh thought her behaviour was in my head as she never behaved badly in front of him till we sat down with BIL and his live in GF at the time and she said no not in my head she does the same stuff with her.
Since then dh deliberatly keeps his distance now.....
I just tell her how it is now. I've had enough of her and her bad behaviour, nasty, vindictive, destructive behaviour and I'm tired of being on the recieving end of it.
I'm firm but polite. wink! For the most part she leaves me alone now thank goodness as I nolonger have back up in BIL's GF. he's gay.