To my Angel on your due date...
Today is the "due date" of the little angel I lost on 30th July 2011. I thought I would be okay today but woke up thinking about them and "what if" and these words and the accompanied tears just seemed to tumble out so I thought I would put them together in memory of my precious angel baby. I have mixed feelings because I still experience so much joy from the healthy pregnancy I am currently blessed with but can't help but be saddened and a little angry even that I'm not large and uncomfortable in this heat doing everything I can to bring on labour and meet my angel.
I have written a few things about my loss, on here and privately but I have not yet written a letter to my angel but that is how the words came out today. Thank you all for your continuing support and for providing a forum to share these things. It is often too confronting to people in real life.
To my little angel
How small you were when we lost you. I never got to feel you kick or even see your heart beat. Daddy and I had so many hopes and dreams for you here in this world. Had you decided to stay my little one, today you would have been so much bigger and we all would have been eagerly awaiting your arrival on this, your “due date.” I know it wasn’t meant to be and that the universe had other plans for you and I but it still hurts my little angel. The days and weeks, even months after you left were the darkest and hardest days of my life but I always knew you were still my little blessing. I know you’re safe little angel, not in my arms like I thought you would be but instead being, no doubt, spoiled rotten in the arms of your beautiful Nanny, Uncle and Great-Grandparents. Gosh, they’d be spoiling you in all kinds of ways. They’d be very good at that!
I’ve not yet held a babe in my arms but you, no matter how small you were when you left this world, like any child does, have taught me so much as a mother. I thought I knew about loss and love and courage but I did not. You taught me those things. You taught me that I had to be brave and go on because I am the MUM! You taught me how to truly be brave. And I have little angel, for you and for your siblings. I thank the universe every single day for blessing me with you and as painful as it is that I’m no longer waiting to bring you into this world, I am so thankful for your little brother or sister that is jumping and squirming inside me now, healthy and growing. I know you have helped to keep them safe. And I also know baby, that you have never really left me. You are by my side every day and your little brothers and sisters will always have a very special guardian angel watching over them.
My little baby, I’m sad today because this is the date that you would have been fully grown and ready to meet us but I will continue as you taught you me, to be strong and brave because that is what Mummy’s do. I will never ever forget you my little one, and the joy you brought to my life, both while you were in my tummy and since you’ve been an angel. I hope your Nanny and Uncle give you lots and lots of cuddles and kisses until I can hold you in my arms myself.
Fly free my beautiful beautiful angel….
All the love in the world,
Mummy
