Ideas to increase DDs confidence?

I'm worried that DD lacks confidence in herself. I've been thinking about it all day and I've decided to make this thread on my phone - so it'll be a big ramble sorry!

This morning she asked me to walk her to her classroom and then told me once we were there that she always just waits by herself until the bell goes because she is too shy to play with anyone from her grade one class :(

But then something happened when the bell rang. She raced to be the first person to line up but realised she had her hat on still. As she ran to stick it in her bag a few other kids ran up to line up and DD spoke to them in a really aggressive, nasty way that she was first in line. The other kids didn't fight back with her and just kinda moved - I was already walking away (I don't think she knows I saw what happened) and wasn't sure what to do about going back and telling her that it isn't ok to talk to anyone else like that - so I just left instead. It's worrying me that she's actually doing the opposite of making new friends I guess.

She has one friend who is in her class from prep last year but she is late for school almost everyday - and if this little girl is away for the day then DD just sits near the classroom by herself unless she sees someone she used to play with last year. Every now and then this one friend decides to play with someone else for the day and DD comes home heartbroken - and angry at the little girl.

I'm really worried that she isn't making friends with other kids.

There are other things that worry me though. When we are doing homework at night she will just give up, get cranky and stop trying at the slightest thing. She will try to sound of a word once and if I don't tell her straight away she will chuck a wobbly and then homework time is a major struggle. I've tried to be very calm and supportive but she can't seem to stay calm at all if she gets something wrong or it's a bit tough - she just chucks it in.

The same is with writing - although I've seen her getting a bit better with this but it took weeks or reassuring her that mistakes are ok and the rubber is there to help. She's happy to rub something out once but if she accidentally makes the same mistake after she has rubbed it out once then she will just give up and get angry.

I really want to help her - I just have absolutely no idea where to start. She's such a wonderful girl but she seems to be angry at the world for some reason.

Any ideas or advice would be great - sorry it's all such a mess!


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I've decided to see if I can organise a meeting with her teacher to discuss it all. I'm really hoping that there are some little things I can do to help her feel more capable and confident - I just have no idea what :(


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I think that is the first step, a meeting with the teacher and perhaps she can encourage your DD to play with others kids. I know my sister teaches prep & they encourage them everyday to make new friends, by encouraging them to play together. In relation to the aggressiveness I don't know what to suggest but perhaps she is asserting herself b/c of past issues?? Not too sure on that one. I would talk to her though about what you saw and give her another suggestion how to ask the kids if she can be first because she just forgot to take her hat off.

Your daughter sounds like a perfectionist - she doesn't want o get things wrong or perhaps she has been embarassed before about making mistakes? I don't know what the solution is other than encouragement when she does attempt the word/task and make a massive deal when she does get it right on her own.

Best of luck

Thanks so much for the reply RhiChiChi :hug:

I spoke to her teacher yesterday about it and he agreed with my worries. He is going to move her desk to sit with some other girls to encourage them to make friends - we'll see how that goes.

He mentioned that she does lose her temper at school sometimes and can be very critical of other kids. I've asked him to speak with the chaplain at school to see if they can help her somehow.

I'm feeling really upset by it all - I feel like I've really let her down. I wish I was a positive, happy mum for her but I lose my cool too often and I hate to think she's copying me and it's holding her back.


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:hug:

I am terrified of my kidlets starting school and going through the making new friends period.

How does she see you interact with people? Do you interact with people well, make new friends etc?

Kids learn more from what we do than what we tell them. I am usually quite an introverted homebody but now that I have the kids I am forcing myself to be more social and laid-back, in the hope that they will pick up on it.

My mother tried very hard to fill me with a lot of confidence by telling me how wonderful I was, encouraging etc. But to be honest she had such a lack of confidence and self esteem and that's what I picked up on.

The simple fact is if she sees you being happy with who you are, accepting of new people, able to laugh at yourself and being prepared to try new things and make mistakes, there's a very good chance she will do the same thing.

Please know that I'm not trying to sound critical or your or your parenting at all - you may do a lot of these things anyway, but these are just things I'm trying to make my kids confident, social little beings.

The rubbing out - maybe encourage her to cross it out. Some children will spend more time rubbing out than working and having to do it all over again can be frustrating.
Homework - if it is causing stress put it down and walk away. Especially if she has understood the concept. You can write a note to the teacher to explain so she doesn't get into trouble.

How about asking some of the children over for playdates. One at a time so she can get to know them.

I really feel for you (and your DD too). Try not to be too harsh on yourself about it - you're so caring and wonderful to be working on ways to help her!

It's great you've got her teacher on side too - she might just need someone to give her a chance and she'll soon work out how to make friends on her own. It sounds like she might also need explicit friendship making/keeping skills modelled or practised - can you role play it with her toys at home? (e.g. how to ask if she can sit or play with someone at break times, what to say to the people she sits next to to show them she likes them and wants to be friends, what to say if someone annoys her/does something she doesn't like that's assertive but not off putting. When I was teaching, it was surprising how many children didn't know how to make or keep friends. The chaplain should be able to help here too - does the school have programs for break times where children who are alone can go and play with others?

Talk to her about her day each day after school - tell her it's ok to feel frustrated and discuss better ways to deal with her anger. Talk about her friends too. I also agree that role modelling is so important too - you're her biggest role model whether you want to be or not! Keep in touch with her teacher regularly so your DD knows you care too.

I agree with Onyx's suggestions too - leave the homework if it's causing huge grief. You can come back to it later if you need to. Have you spoken to her about why she gets upset? Sometimes a rubber can be seen as saying something isn't good enough and so it has to disappear so just crossing it out might be better. Praise her for effort, whether it's right or wrong (e.g. "I'm so pleased you had a go at sounding out that word! It's great you didn't give up" etc)